For many, love at first sight is not unusual. The real miracle is when two people do not take their eyes off each other all their lives, the psychoanalyst believes.
“One of the most important factors in sexual attraction is novelty. A number of studies have revealed the special role of the «Coolidge effect» in human sexual behavior. You may have heard the famous story of how John Calvin Coolidge, the thirtieth president of the United States, and his wife visited a farm in Minnesota. Passing by the poultry yard, and noticing how a single rooster was trampling one of the hens, Mrs. Coolidge asked how many times a day he performed his conjugal duties.
“Dozens of times,” the escort replied. — This rooster is truly working out his content. He tries very hard.» «Tell that to the president,» Mrs. Coolidge asked. When, after some time, the president entered the poultry yard, he was also told about the exploits of the rooster. «Always with the same chicken»? he clarified. — “Oh no, every time with a new one!” «Tell Mrs. Coolidge about it.»
If at the very beginning of a relationship, sexual attraction largely determines our behavior, then over time, the intensity of passions, as a rule, weakens. At first, everything seems new and exciting to us. This is a period of exploration of each other’s bodies, a time of stormy passion, when sexual desire does not fade for a second. However, the bright period of the conquest ends, and everyday life begins. Oddly enough, but the ability to have sex at any time leads to the fact that it becomes less. As the famous joke goes, “Your marriage is falling apart if your wife says you only want one thing. And you can’t remember what it is.»
What does love have to do with desire? The concepts of desire, sex and love are often confused because people use them interchangeably. For many, sex and love are one and the same. But despite the fact that sex connects people, physical attraction alone is not enough for a long-term relationship. Although sex involves physical intimacy, it does not have the emotional depth that is characteristic of love. Love is the union of two elements of attraction: attachment and sexual desire.
When we’re in love, sex becomes one (and most intimate!) way to communicate with a partner.
If people can doubt love, then everything is clear about sex — it either exists or it does not exist. Some believe that we are simply trying to curb such a powerful and aggressive stimulus as sex, calling it love. Cynics say that in this way we clothe our biological needs in a beautiful form. It’s a great way to disguise the desire for «quick love» and the consumer approach to relationships practiced too often by too many men, as well as a very effective way to keep a partner.
When we are in love, sex becomes one (and the most intimate!) way to communicate with a partner and express our feelings. Sex is body language, with which we speak of tenderness and love, resentment and resentment, superiority and dependence more specifically than we do it out loud, using abstract concepts and unfortunate phrases. When we are in love, sex is more than a purposeful way to get pleasure, it is a path to establishing strong relationships.
Sexual intimacy in humans is rarely only physical. Sexual connection primarily helps us to know each other’s bodies. But at the same time we get to know our souls. Some women believe that sex is the most reliable way to bind another person to themselves, this is a deep delusion. Actress Sharon Stone remarked, «Women often fake orgasms, and men even more often fake relationships.» Woody Allen, who can be considered an expert in this matter, put it this way: “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but among other meaningless experiences it is the most enjoyable.”
Love generates feelings of intimacy, caring, and true acceptance of the other person. But, as I said above, attachment behaviors help us understand the essence of passionate love — the search for someone who will connect with us, instilling in us a sense of security. We fall in love when bonds of affection are formed. Keeping the established connection, we continue to love. Using our own set of emotions, we signal the need for distance and the need for comfort.
Of course, everyone experiences love in different ways. For some, love is illusory and constantly needs emotional support, for others it becomes a kind of emotional game, for others it is a consequence of the desire to take care of someone. And a cynic like Somerset Maugham will take a strictly functional approach: «Love is just a dirty trick that is done to us solely for the continuation of the human race.»