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Whether we tell our sex life to friends, social scientists, or a partner, we lie, cheat, or tell too much. So we defend ourselves, but we risk spoiling the relationship as a couple. Our experts are sure: we have the right to remain silent.
The most secret part of ourselves is our body. Naked in front of another person, we show him what we usually hide under clothes from many people and even from ourselves. And this is the last border, having crossed which we become “two-in-one”, we form a pair with another. Sometimes our togetherness lasts only one night. And then we don’t even have time to wonder how open we will be with each other not only at the level of the body, but also at the level of words: in stories about ourselves, about our past, about our desires. But we have to think about it if the relationship continues. And then the desire to open up to another and meet the reciprocal openness is understandable – after all, we are so close and are getting closer!
However, the pursuit of total nudity can be costly. 46-year-old Anna was convinced of this from her own experience: “Lies disgust me, and there are so many of them in family life! Secrets, omissions, ambiguous situations … In response to this, I began a spiritual search for the truth – in everything, including sex. Now Anna believes that this was a mistake: “In this area, it is clearer than in others that the desire to always be truthful does not work. The truth is subjective, there is no one truth for all, but I did not take this into account. I wanted my husband to tell me what turns him on. I didn’t think I was asking too much and tried my best to understand him. But this is wrong: in sex, no one can understand the other.
Perhaps, with regard to sex, understanding is not so much an operation of thinking as a special gift like an ear for music: it requires rather sensual responsiveness and attunement to the other. And here conversations, attempts to consolidate subtle and changeable experiences in words can sometimes not help, but hinder. “In my practice, I have seen many cases where increased frankness dramatically worsened relations and even broke them,” warns sexologist Lev Shcheglov. “Truth is not an absolute good. If the measure of frankness exceeds the degree of trust between partners, it can become destructive.” This is exactly what happened to Anna: her insistence on frankness led to the fact that after 20 years of marriage, their relationship with her husband fell apart.
Men brag, women underestimate themselves
Surveys about sexual behavior began in the 60s – and from then to the present day, the question has always been raised: why do men and women answer so differently? The first, speaking about the number of partners and the frequency of sexual intercourse, call figures that constantly exceed the answers of the second. How so? Maybe it’s the bragging rights of men. But there is another explanation, and it concerns women.
In one interesting study, young women aged 18 to 25 who answered questions about sexual partners were divided into three groups*. The first responded, being face to face with the interviewer, the second – in writing and anonymously, and the third was told that they were connected to a lie detector. Answering the questioner personally, the women reported that there were 2,6 of them. The respondents anonymously named 3,4 partners. Those who were afraid that they would be exposed with a lie detector were called 4,4. “In sexual matters, women are more sensitive to social pressure,” psychologist Terri Fischer explained these discrepancies. “They are afraid of being seen as women of easy virtue and therefore tend to respond in accordance with what is expected of them.” E. T.
* The Journal of Sex Research, 2003, February.
Words that are hard to say
The Internet regularly offers us publications about sex, new books are published on this topic and films are made (for example, “Nymphomaniac” by Lars von Trier) … But it is still difficult for us to tell the truth about our orgasms, frigidity or fantasies. Only the causes of these difficulties have changed. In the past, silence made it possible to adapt to traditional norms of behavior – it was not supposed to talk aloud about your sex life, hence the isolation of people. Today lies protect us from too much freedom. It makes it possible to isolate oneself from the obligatory frankness and constant exposure. No one wants to see in his mirror or in the eyes of another person the reflection of a weak being in the world of strong people. Nobody wants to tell their friends about their failures, doubts and shortcomings. In their society, they are more likely to look for opportunities to escape from everyday worries than to make painful confessions: “Today I didn’t succeed. And this is not the first time.” Or: “He has been disgusting to me for three years now.” Or: “We never really felt good in bed, I don’t feel anything when he enters me, maybe I should try from behind?”
We are more willing to talk about our victories (even invented ones) or appear modest – depending on what is expected of us, which image of ours will meet with greater approval. To hide from society too intimate moments – this is the social role of lies. That is why a strong desire is always accompanied by a desire to penetrate the secrets of another. In addition, erotic tension arises during the jump into the unknown. But over time, we get to know the other person better and become more and more an open book for him. That is why we so clearly feel the need to protect our own secret garden. 48-year-old Peter, Anna’s ex-husband, reflects on this: “Sensuality is based on the inexpressible, and this has its own magic. The couple is most strongly connected by instinctive intimacy, thanks to which the lover feels without words what the other wants. Of course, awakening and guessing the fantasies of another is not easy, especially when the couple has been together for a long time. It is much easier to be frank and say everything without a hitch, but then we bind ourselves with words as obligations and stop developing.”
According to 40-year-old George, “those who tell each other everything are often cruel. They share their anxieties and sufferings without thinking that they can hurt them.” Hiding the truth, considered by many to be a form of lying, can sometimes be a form of delicacy. “I have patients who admit that they do not want to tell their partners about how much pleasure they get from masturbation,” says sexologist Alain Eril (Alain Héril). “Alone, they achieve deafening orgasms … but do not enjoy with their partners.”
Words that are hard to hear
Sexuality is the basis on which the couple is built, but at the same time remains the personal territory of each. After becoming part of a couple, a person may want to isolate themselves from a partner – through masturbation, adultery or abstinence. Such a removal indicates an intention to independently explore their twilight zones. It is a search for one’s own identity.
“At first, each of us participates in the search for the dark side of the other,” explains Alain Eril, “it excites. But after some time, a person begins to be interested in himself, and then the presence of a partner can interfere with him. But to admit it openly would be to risk offending another. “In sexual life, people sometimes take everything wrong,” continues Alain Eril. Anna recalls: “When I told my husband that I didn’t like having sex, but I didn’t know why, he decided that I just didn’t want him anymore. He turned my confession inside out.”
Not only words, but also silence can be misinterpreted. 40-year-old Elena faced this: “Andrey believed that I did not dare to admit what I wanted. My silence for him meant a ban, and bans inflamed his desire. He was eager to try everything I didn’t say. In the end, I had to demand even what I did not want at all – this was the only way to avoid new erotic experiments.
A white lie, a forced lie… sometimes it becomes the lesser evil. However, if we lie too often, it may turn out that we lie primarily to ourselves – passing off wishful thinking, trying to create relationships with words or omissions that have little to do with the real relationship in our couple. “I have met people who, out of love, convinced their partners that they like sex,” says sexologist Damien Mascret. “But those who think that lying can be a means to support desire are mistaken. Because life in a couple is a process of constant adaptation to each other, and a lie forces the other person to adapt to something false, something that is not in reality. As a result, relationships die.”
36-year-old Alexander had to work on himself: “Due to the fact that I told invented stories about myself, I myself stopped understanding who I am and what I really want. I tried too hard to protect myself and got lost along the way.” When we lie often, we put our relationship to the same serious test as when we tell everything without holding back, without thinking about a partner. “Ultimate lies and extreme frankness are two extremes, and both of them are disastrous for relationships,” emphasizes Lev Shcheglov. “In the sexual field, there are no general recommendations for everyone, except for one: two must each time re-learn each other’s needs, listen carefully to desires – yours and your partner, and be careful when it comes to something that might hurt the other. Living together is a constant balance of trust and delicacy.”
In those couples where the relationship develops, the partners do not know everything about each other, since neither of them is trying to invade the territory of the other. Today Alexander lives in such a situation: “We don’t tell too much about ourselves, but we never lie to each other.” He explains this position this way: “To lie to another person about serious things is, in the end, to lie to oneself. I think it’s better to remain silent than to lie. Leave something hidden. Damien Mascre confirms: “I study stable couples. Their only similarity is their absolute refusal to invade the intimate territory of another. Their attraction to each other is maintained thanks to this secret, the perfect alternation of the proverbial “falsehood or truth.” It is this that maintains the necessary intensity of sexual life, and sex in such couples becomes the most beautiful manifestation of love.
Learn more
The book “Notes of a Sexologist” by Lev Shcheglov – cases from the practice of the president of the National Institute of Sexology, which give reason to think about the diversity of forms of our intimate life (Amphora, 2009).