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Sex Sex: how to awaken the sleeping passion in your partner
Regaining mutual interest, intimate moments, and “true” communication will help salvage a disconnected relationship.
How do I tell my partner that he is a mess in bed
Let’s say we start the day with the sound of the alarm clock, go to the shower, get dressed, have breakfast, brush our teeth, put on makeup (or shave), comb our hair … and so on until complete (with the order and elements that each one want to add or change) our morning routine. With few exceptions, it never occurs to anyone to go to the office naked, in pajamas or with slippers around the house, right? They are habits that, to a greater or lesser extent, are important and we strive to maintain because they make us feel good. So, Lidia Alvarado, a psychologist and relationship coach, wonders, why do we skip the habit more important than taking care of the Relationship? “With our relationship we allow ourselves licenses that we do not consent to in other aspects of life, as if it were working alone, as if it were a matter of luck or the result of chance,” he says. But no, a solid relationship is neither a matter of luck nor is it the result of chance. In fact, the key to what the psychologist calls “extraordinary relationships” lies in make your partner your priority. “That does not mean that any of them lose their patches of intimacy, which are necessary, but rather that it consists in making an effort in the mutual search for moments of intimacy in a broad sense, not just sexual. It means making an effort to deliberately find as many situations as possible that encourage play and complicity with your partner, ”he explains.
It is true, as recognized by the advisor, that day-to-day obligations make us come home exhausted, with the need to rest and without wanting to interact with anyone, not even with the people we love, but the expert influences In the fact that, if we allow all the energy to be taken by work, home, bills or childcare (if any), we will be neglecting the relationship and that, sooner or later, will have consequences.
In fact, one of the signs that a couple has lost connection is the lack of mutual interest which also goes hand in hand with the lack of communication, according to Alvarado. “When we feel that our partner does not listen to us, we feel at the same time that he does not understand us and that we are not important enough for that person,” he explains. But communicating is not just sitting down to talk but also listening with love, attention and interest to what the other person is telling us, asking an open question that encourages you to tell something more about your day or simply staying attentive to the signals that your body and the way they behave.
“How long has it been since you said something you like about him or her?”, Invites the expert to wonder. We stop appreciating and giving value to the partner when we do not express what we like about them. Moreover, sometimes, without being aware, we go to the opposite extreme and express what we do not like or even give another meaning to what we used to like, going from the phrase: «darling, I love that you are so cheerful» to this another: “You always laugh at everything and don’t take anything seriously.”
Recover connection
To regain lost passion and connection, it is necessary for the couple to take the conscious decision that their relationship is the most important thing in their life, as proposed by Lidia Alvarado, and both have to commit to working to strengthen it.
To regain the passion that the relationship had in the early stages, the psychologist proposes to commit to doing everything that was done before and that has been forgotten or abandoned due to neglect, routine, tiredness, comfort, pride, selfishness or for other reasons. “Throughout 24 hours a day it is possible to find many opportunities to create a special intimacy with the couple, fostering play and passion,” he says. The expert is convinced that it is not necessary to do great things like going to a desert island and that small daily and everyday details are worth more than great specific expressions of love.
One of the keys, he explains, is to strive to build as many positive shared experiences, that is, moments of complicity, affection, intimacy or even passion, always taking care of the sense of humor.
Faced with difficulties, he proposes to jointly address problems as opportunities to strengthen the relationship and make it grow or as learning to evolve.
The ideal is to do everything that will benefit the relationship without waiting for the other to take the first step. “Stop living from a place of manufactured expectations and start living in the moment, sharing the love you have inside with your partner,” he advises.
You rekindle the passion if …
- You go to bed at the same time and turn that moment into an accomplice moment
- You wake up with a gesture of affection and affection to the couple (if the times do not coincide you can leave a note, wink or special detail)
- You are looking for a moment of the day to write (e-mail, WhatsApp, message…) or call to know how the morning is going or simply to say something affectionate
- You make unexpected couple plans or surprise the other with something they like (their favorite dish, their song, a memory …)
- If you appreciate and value each other, with your particular way of doing things. Yes, the one that one day made you fall in love
- If you focus on what you like about the other and tell them from time to time
you turn off the passion if …
- You withdraw your love when you argue, looking for lessons, stopping talking to him for days, ignoring his calls, making contempt and reproaches, talking to him in a bad tone or even threatening him with the end of the relationship
- You stop listening, paying attention, you become invisible to each other
- You dedicate all the free time that you used to share with your partner to other activities that seem to fill you up more
- You often tell each other what you don’t like about each other and focus on what bothers you
- You judge and criticize yourself frequently, without granting the benefit of the doubt
- You get carried away by laziness and avoid looking for moments of intimacy or situations of complicity
- You go to bed angry or each at a different time