We continue a new author’s rubric. Leading psychotherapists and sexologists talk about common problems and how to solve them.
Problem
After giving birth, some women refuse to have sex, even if they want more children.
Example
32-year-old Irina gave birth to her second child three years ago. She developed an aversion to sex, she would like more children, but would prefer IVF, although there is no medical indication for this. The husband is dissatisfied, the libido fades away in both. The husband doubts whether they are a couple. There are more conflicts.
Comment
Irina and her husband both wanted children, but never discussed what would happen after their birth. It seems to her that «at her age, it’s time to stop all this.» Sex seemed to her dirty and sinful before, but she was ready to endure it for the sake of the children. Now that reason is no more.
She wants her and her husband to raise children together, but he is not ready to be just a parent and believes that if there is no sex life, then there is no married life either. And if they cannot remain husband and wife, then why have new children? The conflict looks unresolvable.
Cultural and religious attitudes about the sinfulness of sex, about the need to suppress bodily desires can interfere with sexual life. This happens to men too: seeing a woman only as a mother, they lose their erotic interest in her. But in the case described, the husband retains the desire, and the wife wants their life together to be «more spiritual.»
Cultural attitudes can also suppress desire. For example, one client recalled how her mother denounced her neighbor: “Three kids and she wears a miniskirt.” Not only clothes are criticized, but also the desire to be attractive to men.
Also, after childbirth, the female body changes, and the woman herself needs to accept her changes. A man helps her make sure that she is wanted and loved, but if she rejects herself, it will be a difficult, sometimes impossible task.
Recommendations
After childbirth, a temporary decline in libido is possible. Remember that this is not forever. Let it manifest itself again, do not go entirely into the motherly role and care for the child. Let yourself feel beautiful and desirable, go to the hairdresser, for a massage. Allow your body to change and don’t put off sex until you’re back in shape. If the clothes you wore before pregnancy don’t fit now, buy new clothes that suit you.
Explore your settings. Think about which ones help you in your current life and which ones hinder you. Perhaps some of the ideas learned uncritically in childhood and adolescence need to be revisited.
Discuss pleasure with your partner. Both of you are changing and maybe it’s time to try something new. Sometimes it seems that “it will not be different with him”, discoveries are possible only with a new partner, but in reality this is not so. Do not rush yourself, but do not delay the exploration of sensuality.