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Hello dear readers! Sometimes we face the difficult question of how to talk to our own children about sex, that some people can take advantage of them. When should sex education begin?
And today we will try to deal with this sometimes shameful, disturbing, but such an important topic.
What and how?
For recommendations on the best time to start a conversation, you will find out if you follow this link. Now let’s look at topics that must be touched upon in a conversation.
Organism
Quite crumbs, we learn to distinguish where their ears, eyes and nose are located. The same should be done with the intimate parts of the body. Show on yourself so as not to embarrass the baby with touches and name them. Only without any euphemisms and various invented words.
An article about child sexual abuse has already been discussed. In a situation where the help of strangers is required, he simply will not be able to clearly explain what happened. Sometimes you have to react and take action instantly, and trying to find out exactly what he means will take precious minutes.
So, explain that each of us has such parts of the body that need to be hidden from prying eyes. That’s why we wear underwear.
Also provide some information about the anatomy of the opposite sex. Abusers happen both among women and among men. Therefore, the baby must understand that the other person is physically different. And also to know at what point another adult begins to cross the line.
Situations
Tell us about the situations in which it is allowed to touch it, and in which it is absolutely impossible. Try to refrain from such designations as «bad», «good». Instead, enter the words «safe», «unsafe».
Do you know why this is so important? Because, for example, when a doctor examines, for a cub it is sometimes scary and unpleasant, because for him such touches are bad. But they are safe because the examination is for his benefit, to ensure his health, and not to cause injury for the sake of satisfying his sexual interests.
Give him clear instructions on who and at what moment is allowed to touch and see him naked. For example, on the beach you can walk in swimming trunks, let your parents smear it with sunblock, doctors can see the intimate parts of the body if necessary. In case of force majeure, for example, in case of any wounds, show them to loved ones.
These rules should work without exceptions. Then your baby will clearly understand his boundaries and not think that since an adult said to undress, then it’s right, because he has authority for him. Or is an older brother, a good friend of the pope.
And at the same time, it is important that he knows that he has the right to declare at any time that something is unpleasant for him and ask him to stop. For example, mother always helped to bathe, she was allowed to see the baby undressed.
But at some point, if he says that now he wants to perform hygiene procedures himself, it is necessary to give him this right. Not insisting that he alone will not be able to wash well, dress and so on.
By the way, when the children grow up and reach adolescence, a second conversation should be made on the subject that touching the intimate parts of the body can be at the mutual desire to achieve sexual pleasure. That is, that at such a moment the security rules cease to work, provided that this is not against his will.
Feel
Teach him to rely on his own feelings. For example, during bathing procedures, touch him with a sponge, for example, on his shoulder and ask if he has any discomfort, whether they cause anxiety and anxiety. This is safe touch.
Respect his boundaries, if he does not like it when one of his relatives kisses him, try to delicately explain to them that he has grown up and wants to show his love in a different way, without hugs and so on.
If you insist that, despite his feelings, he must endure and show how bored he is when meeting, then you will simply teach him to endure and silently endure attempts to violate his space.
It is by listening to him that you will help him to know himself, in terms of what he likes and what not. And then, if someone allows himself too much, he will declare it without thinking that he just feels something wrong and he must believe what the abuser tells him, since he knows better.
No, thanks
He must be able to refuse, even if he is afraid to seem impolite. Discuss that there are actions that absolutely should not be allowed in relation to yourself. Even if someone really asks. For example:
- Get your hands under clothes, touch the genitals;
- Ask to touch other people’s genitals, look at them;
- Take off clothes, not counting the top;
- Take photos or videos if the person is naked.
Explain that his sexual organs are his special body parts that are only for him. They are not dirty, no need to develop a negative attitude towards them. No, they simply belong only to him, like the rest of the body, and other adults can touch them only in order to help cure them, wash them.
Examples
Options for phrases that your child may use as a refusal to show them, let them touch, etc.:
- I don’t like it, please stop;
- I only talk about it with my parents;
- I don’t want to do it;
- I don’t want you to touch me;
- I don’t like being touched;
- Get away from me.
In situations where active aggressive actions of a sexual nature are shown towards the baby, tell him to scream as loudly as possible. Not afraid of condemning the rapist or drawing attention. Let him seem ill-mannered, not normal, etc., but he will prevent something terrible.
Unfortunately, often children get scared and freeze, and also getting used to being obedient, they do not take any measures to protect themselves. They are taught to be less noisy, to endure inconvenience, and to obey «orders» unquestioningly. But these are special cases when it is necessary to behave the other way around. Let them know that you will not be scolded for shouting in a public place if something seems wrong to them in the actions of a stranger, or maybe a familiar person.
Play a game to reinforce the material. Your task is to ask questions, for example, what will you do if an unfamiliar woman comes up to you and says that today, at the request of her parents, she will take her home? And if my father’s friend asks me to help him look for the missing dog in the yards? Or if the older kids at school tell you to take off your clothes in the bathroom, offering money for it?
Secrecy
Abusers know where to «push» in order to gain power over the little man. They may ask not to tell anyone about what happened, because it is a big secret. You can’t give away secrets, can you?
So, explain that if the information that was forbidden to be shared with anyone brings inconvenience and frightens, causes tension, torment, he is simply obliged to tell mom or dad. Such a secret is dangerous and it is categorically impossible to keep it inside. And in general, so that they learn it well, if another adult asks not to tell their parents about something, this is suspicious. It should not be.
Often children are afraid of punishment for their “misconduct”. There is even such a thing as victimblaming. This is when the victim is blamed for the actions of the rapist. For information about why this happens and what to do about it, you will receive from this article. In general, he must remember, like «Our Father», that he is not responsible for other people’s thoughts, desires and actions.
Children should be taught that you can be trusted. And this can only be learned through practice. If you listen to him, if you are ready to forgive and accept his misdeeds, believe his words, and also take his side during conflicts with someone, then trust will be ensured.
Make a list together of 3-4 people, your close acquaintances, whom he can trust. That is, he will contact you if necessary, if you are not around. For example, it can be a grandmother, aunt, uncle, teacher …
Phrases you can use in your speech
- There are a lot of people in the world. And, unfortunately, there are those who behave quite strangely, they like to hurt others. Some of them may even be our friends. Therefore, you should be attentive to those people who cause you fear and other unpleasant experiences.
- If they tried to touch you for the places we talked about, you should definitely tell me about it. Even if it is someone very close relative, I will listen to you and be able to protect you if necessary.
- Such people may argue that this is just a game. You have every right to refuse games that you do not like or that you do not understand.
- Despite what you’re told, never leave with other people. Even if they claim that I asked them to pick you up. Or if they need your help. Call me first and tell me what’s going on. Remember, until I myself warn you that someone else is coming for you, scream, run away, but do not trust the words of that person and do not go anywhere with him.
- Never tell anyone that you are at home alone.
- If you were told to do something, but you do not understand, ask me, I will try to explain to you.
- If you are threatened that if you refuse, trouble will happen to your parents — remember that this is not true. They deliberately deceive to make you feel bad.
Completion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! And remember that such conversations should be systematic. Have you ever explained how to cross the road correctly? It is unlikely that the child will learn the material the first time, perfectly remember his actions in case of danger. Therefore, periodically return to this topic.
Love and take care of yourself and your children!
We also recommend reading an article on how to teach a child to hold a pencil correctly.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina