Sex, death and divorce: what do kids want to know about it?

Think about the last time you talked to your child. They didn’t give instructions to turn off the smartphone and wash the dirty plate after them, namely, did they talk? Have you seriously discussed him and your feelings, relationships with friends, the meaning of life or plans for the future? As a rule, parents do this infrequently. Because they simply do not know how and what to talk about with a small child. Or they don’t know how to choose the right words, or they can’t answer honestly … We asked the existential psychologist Irina Mlodik about the secrets of “adult” conversations with children.

Psychologies: Do you have your own childhood experience of serious conversations with parents?

Irina Mlodik: My parents didn’t talk to me about so many things. They were afraid to talk to me about death, about the future. Even about history. I remember reading somewhere about the cult of personality and asking my mother about it. And she answered something so indistinctly that I thought: I must have asked something very indecent and it’s better not to mention it. When I became a psychologist, I began to notice that children have a lot of problems because their parents do not talk to them about topics that are important to them. If, in the event of a divorce or, for example, the death of a close relative, the parents do not say what is happening and what threatens the child, he begins to fantasize and suspects something more terrible than what is in reality. He sees such catastrophic pictures that he begins to have a psychosomatic disorder: he eats poorly, sleeps restlessly, worries … So being able to talk with children about important things means contributing to his mental health. It also seems to me necessary to talk about the family, about its structure. In “How to Build Bridges Not Walls”¹ I’m just starting this conversation from the basics – I explain who is mom, who is dad. After all, even parents themselves rarely understand the essence of their roles. There is also a stepfather, stepmother, adopted children, half-brothers – it is also important to tell the child about this so that he understands how to communicate with them.

Many people think that on some topics it is better for a son to talk with dad, and for daughters with mom. Do you agree with this?

THEM.: Yes, but for some reason it’s especially difficult for dads to find words. When they come to me for consultations, they admit that they would very much like to talk to their children, but they do not know what and how. They ask absolutely stupid questions: well, what did you get today? Why are your pants torn? They would like to say something important, but they do not know how. I invite them to talk with their sons, for example, about where their family originated, who is the support in the family, how to survive their mistakes, how to cope with competition, how to negotiate. Even about when to fight and when not to. After all, what happens in our families? If dad is not ready to raise this topic, then the boy turns to mom. What does mom say? One thing is certain: “Don’t fight! You can’t fight.” And she’s wrong. Only dad can tell a boy when to fight, when to try not to fight, and when not to fight under any circumstances. It is the man who knows about this – he has more experience, he had cases that he can discuss with his son. And when a child sooner or later encounters a similar situation, he already has at least three options for resolving it, he has plenty to choose from.

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What should mothers and daughters talk about?

THEM.: About the ability to refuse, for example. How to refuse another person who is trying to touch you? Imagine you come with a daughter of about five years old, a sweet, smiling creature with plump cheeks, to visit relatives or friends. And there some aunt runs up and starts squeezing her by the cheeks, by the arms … It can be unpleasant for a girl. But mom makes a remark: “Well, why are you moving away, this is our aunt Polya. Ugh, what an ill-mannered girl!” But the girl is completely unfamiliar. What message is she getting? That her body could be placed at the disposal of any person who wanted to cuddle her. What does it lead to later? When a girl is touched by someone she doesn’t like, she can’t say no. She remembers her mother’s “Be patient”, freezes, endures, instead of saying: “No, you have no right, get away from me!” Of course, mom should tell her daughter in a timely manner that her body is her personal space, and no one has the right to touch her, and she should be able to say “no”. And if someone touches her – a teacher, a neighbor – she can always come up to her mother and say so. These conversations with children are important for two reasons. Firstly, they will show the child that the parents are ready to understand him and that much can be discussed with them. And secondly, they will give the necessary information and protect them in some situations, which means they will save them from many psychological problems in the future.

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How to answer the questions of a child of five or six years old about death?

THEM.: At the age of five, many children have a need to somehow comprehend this topic. But for adults, talking about death is the hardest thing. They either evade the answer, try to switch the child’s attention to another topic, or lie: no one will die, you will not die, there is no death. I am totally against lying. Because if the parents are already deceiving the child, then in whom else will he find support in life? Tell the truth: that indeed everyone dies. That death is finite. The ending of one thing before the beginning of something else. Children have many fantasies about what will happen next. And here already parents should proceed from the values ​​and traditions by which they live. If you have a religious family, you can talk about the immortality of the soul, about heaven and hell, or about reincarnation. If you are not religious, admit that you do not know where a person ends up. Or to tell that a person is waiting for a transformation, that death is one of the stages of his existence. After all, each of us lives through the finiteness of many stages. For example, a child ceases to be a baby, then a preschooler, then a schoolchild – only by saying goodbye to one stage, he gets the opportunity to move on, to become someone else. Behind the childhood experience of death lies another question: “You won’t leave me, will you?” The main fear of the child is to be abandoned, abandoned. Therefore, it is important to explain to a son or daughter that he (she) can always rely on other loved ones who will help them survive the loss. This conversation allows the child to meet with the limb and appreciate what he has now – your relationship with him, this life, not to miss its moments. After all, only a finiteness allows you to appreciate what is happening until it is over.

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It is good if the child decided to ask a question or let us know that this is important for him. What if he doesn’t ask for anything? Does it make sense to start a conversation without waiting for a question?

THEM.: Whenever you read a book or watch a cartoon together, it is useful to ask: what did you like? Which hero did you like? Why? And listen to what he tells you. Most likely, the child will speak on the topic that resonates most in him – about someone’s salvation, heroism or fear. The task of parents is not to tell the child more than is appropriate for his age. One friend told me how they were watching a movie with the whole family and his 10-year-old daughter suddenly asked: “Dad, who is a virgin?” Dad quickly found: “This is a girl who has never had sex.” A very simple and at the same time truthful answer, which corresponds to the level of understanding of a 10-year-old girl. So the main rule here is to truthfully and accurately answer the question that the child asks. It is not always possible to understand what the children are asking about. But this is a matter of practice: the more we communicate with our child, the better we understand what interests him. There was such a funny case: boys of 7 and 10 years old watched an adult movie with their parents, and when it came to an erotic scene in the back seat of the car, my mother began to think in a panic: what to do? Distract the attention of the boys or turn off the movie? Or explain to the kids what’s going on? And at this very time, one of the brothers says to the other, pointing to the screen: “Look, what a cool car!” That is, children are sometimes interested in something completely different from what we think. And do not anticipate their questions with your own, sometimes redundant, explanations.

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• How to talk to children about sexuality?

What do you think, are there any topics that should not be discussed with children at all?

THEM.: In my opinion, you should not share the details of your personal life with children. Regardless of the age of the child, you should keep silent about your sexual partners and other love adventures. The fact is that for a child you are first and foremost a parent. And knowing that you are also a woman (man) who is actively having sex violates the boundaries of your relationship. For the same reason, you should not ask about the details of your teenage children’s personal lives. It is important to discuss with them the issues of safe sex, to share useful literature, and you should not know the particulars of intimate life – that’s why it is intimate. What else is not worth talking about is your desperate, critical situation. No matter what difficulties you are experiencing, no matter what depressive thoughts you may visit, save your child from them. The realization of how bad his mother or father is, instills in the child tremendous anxiety, helplessness, deprives him of support. Of course, you should not discuss the shortcomings of your partner (husband, wife, stepfather) with your child. You can be offended by him and justly indignant, but it is better to talk about this with a priest, a psychologist, and even better with him. But certainly not with a child.

But if teenagers do not want to talk about intimate things, how can we inform them about this side of life?

THEM.: Thanks to the Internet, children today know almost more about this than we do. But in any case, it is important to convey two ideas to them. The first is that sexuality is a normal, natural part of adult relationships. The key word here is “adults,” because sexual relationships (as opposed to erotic impulses) arise when we mature before that. And the second is that sexual relations are an intimate affair of every person. Which, in fact, prevents us from talking about such topics in detail.

¹ Phoenix, 2014.