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The child has not yet been born, but we, having learned his gender, buy clothes, a stroller, furnish the nursery … For a boy, we choose blue and blue tones, for a girl – pink. This is how “gender education” begins. Doctor and psychologist Igor Dobryakov talks about how our gender expectations affect children.
The word “gender” was introduced in order to separate the social meanings of “masculinity” and “femininity” from biological sex differences. Gender is determined by anatomical and physiological features that make it possible to divide all people into men and women and classify oneself as one of the groups.
Sometimes, with a chromosomal failure or as a result of deviations in the development of the embryo, a person is born who combines the sexual characteristics of both men and women (hermaphrodite). But this happens extremely rarely.
One psychologist jokingly said that gender is what is between the legs, and gender is what is between the ears. If a person’s gender is determined at birth, then gender identity is formed in the process of upbringing and socialization.
To be a woman or a man in society means not just to have a certain anatomical structure, but also to have appearance, manners, behavior, habits that meet expectations. These expectations set certain patterns of behavior (gender roles) for men and women, depending on gender stereotypes – what is considered “typically masculine” or “typically feminine” in society.
The emergence of gender identity is closely related to both biological development and the development of self-awareness. At the age of two, a girl and a boy already know their gender, but do not fully understand what this means, however, under the influence of the example and expectations of adults, they are already beginning to actively form their gender attitudes, they learn to distinguish the gender of others by clothing, hairstyle, and facial features.
By the age of seven, the child is aware of the immutability of his biological sex. In adolescence, the formation of gender identity takes place: rapid puberty, manifested by changes in the body, romantic experiences, erotic desires, stimulates it.
This has a strong influence on the further formation of gender identity. There is an active assimilation of forms of behavior and the formation of character in accordance with the ideas of parents, the immediate environment, society as a whole about femininity (from Latin femininus – “female”) and masculinity (from Latin masculinus – “male”).
Gender equality
Over the past 30 years, the idea of gender equality has become widespread in the world, formed the basis of many international documents, and was reflected in national laws.
Gender equality implies equal opportunities, rights and responsibilities for women and men in all spheres of life, including equal access to education and health care, equal opportunities to work, participate in public administration, create a family and raise children.
Gender inequality creates fertile ground for gender-based violence. Stereotypes that have been preserved since archaic times attribute different scenarios of sexual behavior to women and men: men are allowed to be more sexually active and aggressive, women are expected to be passively obedient and submissive to a man, which easily turns her into an object of sexual exploitation.
Equal in difference
The ideals that a man and a woman should correspond to have always existed, but differed in different eras and among different peoples. Moreover, in different families living in the same country and belonging to the same class, ideas about the “real” man and woman can vary significantly.
In the modern countries of Western civilization, the ideas of gender equality between men and women have gradually prevailed, and this gradually equalizes their roles in society and the family.
Voting rights for women were legislated quite recently (by historical standards): in the USA in 1920, in Greece in 1975, in Portugal and Spain in 1974 and 1976, and one of the cantons of Switzerland equalized women and men in voting rights only in 1991. Some states, such as Denmark, have a separate ministry dedicated to gender equality.
At the same time, in countries where the influence of religion and traditions is strong, views are more common, according to which the right of men to dominate, control women, rule over them is recognized.
Male and female qualities are manifested in the pattern of behavior, in appearance, in the preference for certain hobbies and activities. There are also differences in values. It is believed that women value human relationships, love, family more, while men value social success and independence.
However, in real life, the people around us demonstrate a combination of both feminine and masculine personality traits, and the values that are significant to them can vary significantly. In addition, masculine or feminine traits that are clearly manifested in some situations may be invisible in others.
Such observations led the Austrian scientist Otto Weininger to the idea that every normal woman and every normal man has features of both his own and the opposite sex, the individuality of a person is determined by the predominance of male over female, or vice versa *.
He used the term “androgyny” (Greek ανδρεία, male; Greek γυνής, female) to refer to the combination of male and female traits. The Russian philosopher Nikolai Berdyaev called Weininger’s ideas “brilliant intuitions”**.
Shortly after the publication of Weininger’s Sex and Character, male and female sex hormones were discovered. In the body of a man, along with male sex hormones, female hormones are produced, and in the female body, along with female hormones, male hormones are also produced. Their combination and concentration affect the appearance and sexual behavior of a person, form his hormonal sex.
Therefore, in life we meet with such a variety of manifestations of male and female. In some men and women, respectively, masculine and feminine qualities predominate, in others there is a balance of both.
Psychologists believe that androgynous personalities, who combine high rates of both masculinity and femininity, have greater flexibility in behavior, and therefore are the most adaptive and psychologically well-off. Therefore, raising children in the rigid framework of traditional gender roles can do them a disservice.
Trapped in stereotypes
Most people believe that a woman has such properties as sensitivity, tenderness, caring, sensitivity, tolerance, modesty, compliance, gullibility, etc. Girls are taught to be obedient, accurate, responsive.
Courage, perseverance, reliability, responsibility, etc. are considered real masculine qualities. Boys are taught to rely on their own strengths, to achieve their own, to be independent. The penalties for misdemeanors for boys tend to be more severe than for girls.
Many parents encourage their children to behave and play traditionally for their gender, and get very upset when they notice the opposite. Buying cars and pistols for boys, and dolls and strollers for girls, parents, often without realizing it, strive to educate strong men – earners and protectors, and “real women” – keepers of the hearth.
But there is nothing wrong with the fact that a boy cooks dinner on a toy stove and feeds a teddy bear, and a girl assembles a designer and plays chess, there is nothing wrong. Such activities contribute to the multilateral development of the child, form important traits in him (caring in a boy, logical thinking in a girl), prepare him for life in a modern society, where women and men have long been equally successful in mastering the same professions and in many ways play the same roles. social roles.
When parents say to a boy: “Hit back, you’re a boy” or “Don’t cry, you’re not a girl,” parents reproduce gender stereotypes and unwittingly, or even consciously, lay the foundation for the boy’s future aggressive behavior and a sense of superiority over girls.
When adults or friends condemn “veal tenderness”, they thereby forbid the boy, and then the man, to show attention, care, affection.
Phrases like “Don’t get dirty, you’re a girl”, “Don’t fight, only boys fight” form a girl’s sense of superiority over the dirty and fighters, and the call “Be quieter, be more modest, you’re a girl” orients to play secondary roles, yielding palm to men.
The formation of gender identity begins at an early age and is manifested by a subjective sense of belonging to boys or girls. Already at the age of three, boys prefer to play with boys, and girls prefer to play with girls. Cooperative games are also present, and they are very important for acquiring the skills to communicate with each other.
Preschoolers try to comply with the ideas about the “correct” behavior for a boy and a girl that are “transmitted” to them by educators and the children’s team. But the main authority in all matters, including gender, for young children are parents.
For girls, the image of not only a woman is very important, the main example of which is the mother, but also the image of a man, just as for boys, models of both male and female behavior are important. And of course, parents give their children the first example of the relationship between a man and a woman, which largely determines their behavior when communicating with people of the opposite sex, their ideas about relationships in a couple.
Until the age of 9-10, children are especially susceptible to external influences. Close communication with peers of the opposite sex at school and in other activities helps the child learn the behavioral gender stereotypes accepted in society.
Role-playing games start in kindergarten and get more and more difficult over time. Participation in them is very important for children: they have the opportunity to choose the gender of the character in accordance with their own, learn to match their gender role.
Depicting men or women, they first of all reflect the stereotypes of gender behavior accepted in the family and at school, show those qualities that are considered feminine or masculine in their environment.
It is interesting how differently parents and teachers react to the departure from stereotypes. A tomboy girl who loves to play “war” with boys is usually not blamed by both adults and peers. But a boy who plays with dolls is teased, called a “girl” or “sissy”.
Obviously, there is a difference in the volume of requirements for the “proper” behavior of boys and girls. It is hard to imagine that any activity that is uncharacteristic for a girl (laser battles, car racing, football) will cause as strong condemnation as, for example, a boy’s love of toy dishes, sewing and clothes (this is well shown in the 2000 film directed by Stephen Daldry “Billy Elliot”).
Thus, in modern society there are practically no purely male occupations and hobbies, but there are still typically female ones.
If children are sure that their choice will remain secret, then many of them choose persons of the opposite sex.
In children’s communities, feminine boys are ridiculed, they are called “weaklings”, “slobbers”. Often, ridicule is accompanied by physical violence. In such situations, the timely intervention of teachers is necessary, the moral support of the child from the parents is needed.
In the prepubertal period (approximately 7 to 12 years), children with a variety of personality traits tend to unite in social groups, while avoiding members of the opposite sex. Research by the Belarusian psychologist Yakov Kolominsky*** showed that if it is necessary to give preference to three classmates, boys choose boys, and girls choose girls.
However, our experiment convincingly proved that if children are sure that their choice will remain a secret, then many of them choose persons of the opposite sex ****.
This indicates the importance of the gender stereotypes learned by the child: he fears that friendship or even communication with a representative of the opposite sex can make others doubt the correct assimilation of his gender role.
During puberty, adolescents, as a rule, try to emphasize their gender qualities, the list of which begins to include communication with the opposite sex. A teenage boy, trying to show his masculinity, not only goes in for sports, shows determination, strength, but also actively demonstrates interest in girls and sex issues.
If he avoids this and notices “girlish” qualities in him, then he inevitably becomes a target for ridicule. Girls during this period worry about how attractive they are to the opposite sex.
At the same time, under the influence of traditional ideas about femininity, they notice that their “weakness” and “helplessness” attract boys who want to show their skills and strength, to act as a protector and patron.
Do not allow double standards for men and women and be intolerant of any violence, no matter who it comes from
During this period, the authority of adults is no longer as high as in childhood. Adolescents begin to focus on stereotypes of behavior accepted in their environment and actively promoted by mass culture. The ideal girl can be a strong, successful and independent woman.
Less and less dominance of men in love, in the family and in the team is perceived as the norm. Heterosexual normativity, that is, the “correctness” and admissibility of attraction only to a representative of the opposite sex, is questioned. “Non-standard” gender self-identification finds more and more understanding. Today’s teenagers and young adults are more liberal in their views on sexuality and sexual relationships.
The assimilation of gender roles and the formation of gender identification occurs as a result of a complex interaction of natural inclinations, the individual characteristics of the child and his environment, micro- and macro-society.
If parents, knowing the laws of this process, do not impose their stereotypes on the child, but help him to reveal his individuality, then in adolescence and older he will have fewer problems associated with puberty, awareness and acceptance of his gender and gender.
No double standards
Double standards are manifested in various areas of life. When it comes to men and women, they are primarily concerned with sexual behavior. Traditionally, a man is recognized as having a right to sexual experience before marriage, and a woman is required to maintain her virginity until marriage.
With the formal requirement of mutual fidelity of both spouses, extramarital affairs of a man are not condemned as strictly as infidelity of a woman. The double standard assigns a man the role of an experienced and leading partner in sexual relations, and a woman – a passive, driven side.
If we want to raise a child in the spirit of gender equality, it is necessary to set an example for him to treat people equally regardless of their gender. In conversations with a child, do not associate this or that occupation or housework or profession with gender – dad can wash the dishes, and mom can drive a car for groceries; There are female engineers and male chefs.
Do not allow double standards in relation to men and women and be intolerant of any violence, no matter who it comes from: a girl bullying a boy deserves the same reprimand as a boy taking a toy from her.
Gender equality does not cancel sexual and gender differences and does not identify women and men, girls and boys, but allows each person to find his own way of self-realization, to determine his life choice, regardless of the usual gender stereotypes.
Options are available
Do not make a “real man” out of a boy, sociologist and sexologist Igor Kon advises parents. All real men are different, the only fake men are those who pretend to be “real”. Andrei Dmitrievich Sakharov bears as little resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenegger as Carmen does to the heroine’s mother.
Help the boy choose the option of masculinity that is closer to him and in which he will be more successful, so that he can accept himself and not regret missed, most often only imaginary, opportunities. Do not bring up militancy in him.
The historical destinies of the modern world are decided not on the battlefields, but in the sphere of scientific, technical and cultural achievements. If your boy grows up to be a worthy person and a citizen who knows how to defend his rights and fulfill the duties associated with them, he will also cope with the defense of the Fatherland. If he gets used to seeing enemies around and resolving all disputes from a position of strength, nothing but trouble will shine in his life.
Don’t teach a boy to treat a woman from a position of power. Being a knight is beautiful, but if your boy finds himself in a relationship with a woman who is not the leader, but the follower, this will become a trauma for him. It is more reasonable to see in “a woman in general” an equal partner and potential friend, and build relationships with specific girls and women individually, depending on their and their own roles and characteristics.
Do not try to shape children in your own image and likeness. For a parent who does not suffer from megalomania, a much more important task is to help the child become himself. Do not try to impose a certain occupation and profession on your child. By the time he makes his responsible choice, your preferences may be morally and socially obsolete.
The only way is to enrich the interests of the child from early childhood so that he has the widest possible choice of options and opportunities. Do not force children to realize your unfulfilled dreams and illusions. You do not know what kind of devils guard the path from which you once turned, and whether it exists at all.
The only thing in your power is to help the child choose the best development option for him, but the choice belongs to him. Do not try to pretend to be a strict father or affectionate mother if these traits are not characteristic of you. First, it is impossible to deceive a child. Secondly, it is not an abstract “sex-role model” that influences it, but the individual properties of the parent, his moral example and the way he treats the child.
Do not believe that disabled children grow up in incomplete families. This statement is factually false, but acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Incomplete families” are not those in which there is no father or mother, but those where there is a lack of parental love. The mother family has its own additional problems and difficulties, but it is better than a family with an alcoholic father or where the parents live like cat and dog.
Do not try to replace the child with peer society, avoid confrontation with their environment, even if you do not like it. The only thing you can and should do is to mitigate the inevitable trauma and hardship associated with it. Against “bad comrades” the trusting atmosphere in the family helps best of all.
Do not abuse the prohibitions and, if possible, avoid confrontation with the child. If strength is on your side, then time is on his side. A short-term gain can easily turn into a long-term loss. And if you break his will, both sides will lose out.
Never use corporal punishment. The one who beats the child does not demonstrate strength, but weakness. The apparent pedagogical effect is completely offset by long-term alienation and hostility. Do not rely too much on the experience of the ancestors. We do not know the real history of everyday life well, normative prescriptions and pedagogical practices have never and nowhere coincided. In addition, living conditions have changed a lot, and some methods of education that were considered useful before (the same spanking) are unacceptable and ineffective today.
About the Developer
Igor Dobryakov – Candidate of Medical Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Child Psychiatry, Psychotherapy and Medical Psychology, North-Western State Medical University. I. I. Mechnikov.
* O. Weinenger “Sex and Character” (Latard, 1997).
** N. Berdyaev “The Meaning of Creativity” (AST, 2007).
*** Ya. Kolominsky “Psychology of the children’s team. The system of personal relationships” (Narodnaya Asveta, 1984).
**** I. Dobryakov “Experience in the study of heterosexual relationships in prepubertal children” (in the book “Psyche and gender in children and adolescents in normal and pathological conditions”, LPMI, 1986).