Among the places where we are looking for partners, dating sites and social networks have confidently taken the lead. How far is it from a «like» on Tinder to a first date? How to get acquainted and behave at a meeting? We talked about this with the author of one of the most popular Russian-language blogs about sex and relationships, “Masha, come on!” Maria Arzamasova.
Maria, what brings you to Tinder?
A few years ago, my relationship ended, I began to live alone, and at some point I decided to look for new partners. I do not have «serious intentions», as many people write in the questionnaire. No one knows what the acquaintance will lead to. That is, I do not go on a date in order to start a family. I just want to have a good time. And what happens there.
How was it?
The first thing I noticed: how difficult it is for all of us to tell something about ourselves. Most of the questionnaires are completely empty. You think: well, who are you? Who should I go on a date with? In others, only their weight and age are indicated. Friends, well, we are not choosing an iPhone here.
Many people register because they «must». In our culture, it is implied that an adult should be in a couple. For those who are single at the moment, it seems that they are somehow not like that, they urgently need to look for a relationship. So recently I came to a meeting, and in front of me sits a tired, exhausted man. And he begins to complain about his difficult life. Of course, I can support him, but I have enough problems of my own. He would not go on a date, but go to a sanatorium to relax, but he desperately continues to get acquainted. «What for?» I ask. “How! You need to date someone. Relationships have to be.
Personally, I am for a conscious search for a partner. And it begins after the understanding comes: in fact, being alone is not bad. It is important to make friends with yourself and look for a partner not out of despair and loneliness, but being in harmony with yourself. Only then can healthy relationships be built.
What attracts in the questionnaires?
I rejoice when I find common ground — something in common in hobbies, a system of values. Many write: I love traveling, sports, wine. Come on? And who doesn’t love? Why not tell us about your travel style? If I write: I rode a freight train in Mauritania and lived for three weeks with a tribe in South Sudan, that already says a lot about me, right?
Walking with tents in Kamchatka is not at all like lying on the beach in Turkey in an all inclusive hotel. If a person writes “I collect vinyl records”, I immediately respond: how cool, I collect them too, and we definitely have something to talk about. Unfortunately, our men rarely write about themselves in such detail. More often put forward a list of requirements …
“Looking for a long-legged blonde with big breasts?”
Well, if so. Now everything is more specific: “Sorry, if you weigh more than XX kg / over XX years, walk by.” Or: «Divorced women with a trailer, goodbye.» Why can’t you write about yourself without offending anyone? “If you are a gender chauvinist, move on” — there is so much aggression in this! It can be otherwise: «I adhere to feminist values.»
But what a great self-portrait!
Absolutely. Thanks for warning. I somehow matched “likes” with one guy, and he writes: listen, in order not to waste time, I will send you a questionnaire, please answer the questions. And there is such a detailed list, as if I am interviewing for a high government position. Boy, you haven’t even seen me, and you’re already making demands!
How often do you have face-to-face dates?
Just a month ago (before the next surge of coronavirus), I had six dates. I often hear: “Everyone on Tinder is an idiot, I went on a date, it was a failure.” But I was convinced from my own experience: quantity turns into quality. Of the last six dates, three were bad, I would definitely erase and forget the phones of these men. But the other three were quite decent, and one of them I really liked.
So there are good guys on Tinder. The question is how to find them. One date is a lottery. But the more you walk, the higher the chances of meeting someone interesting.
What is your formula for the perfect date?
For me, as for any woman, a sense of security is very important. I can’t go on a date with a person just by seeing their photos on Tinder. It is important for me to correspond in advance, to feel what kind of person he is. It happens that a man immediately demands: give me your phone, I want to hear your voice. And I feel uncomfortable in this situation. Why is he pushing? I don’t like it, and I’m used to following my feelings.
It is normal for any person to experience some embarrassment, fear when meeting.
To overcome it, it is worth starting from afar. Sometimes it takes two or three days to see if it’s right for me. And sometimes you quickly get the feeling that we are kindred spirits — then you can even agree on the same evening.
Moreover, it is not necessary for a man to take the initiative. If I like him, I myself can invite him to tea or coffee. In a public place, of course. This is generally the first point in the rules of dating. And the second is that you don’t owe anything to anyone. Girls often think that a date obliges them to do something. We drank tea — it’s time to go have sex. Why? I can only understand at a meeting whether I am drawn to a person or not.
On a date, everyone wants to be liked. How to be yourself?
This happens through personal psychotherapy, I think. The one who works out his fears and problems with a psychologist is not so afraid to show himself to other people. The mask of the successful and cool does not inspire confidence, because there are no ideal people.
I am inspired by meetings with men who are not shy to show their weaknesses, to tell, for example, that he was fired from his job, and how he coped with this problem. And you immediately understand: this is what it is worth building a relationship with. Our vulnerabilities make us alive in the first place.
Is it scary to open up to a stranger?
I also have a relationship fear that I’m working on. And that includes dating. After all, overcoming fear is always immersion in it. I am not advocating to be open. But there’s no need to stress. I try to communicate as relaxed as when meeting with friends. And, by the way, I don’t even paint on dates. What is the point of improving myself if I do not use decorative cosmetics in everyday life and cannot then play this role? I prefer to be who I am. And there it is already up to my new acquaintance whether to accept it or not.
Can we also talk about vulnerability in sex?
When a person admits to me that he was nervous before a date and was afraid to make the wrong impression, such sincerity is captivating. But whether it’s appropriate to talk about sexual dysfunctions on a first date, I don’t know.
Specifically, there were such situations with me when I said that I was engaged in sexual education. The man saw that I spoke freely on the topic of sex and knew a lot of things, and decided to tell me about his sexual problems. But it already looks like a consultation with a specialist, and not a date. What if I were a proctologist?
The new dating ethic — does it exist in Russia?
I notice changes only in Europe. There, young people are increasingly asking: do you mind if I take you by the hand? Do you mind if I kiss you? There are few such men in our Tinder. «If you’re fat, then don’t call me» — that’s our whole new ethic. They are fixated on a beautiful picture and are afraid of long conversations: why this “brain removal”, let’s go to fuck. This is very funny.
Dating just for sex is treating the person as an object. I have a closet with vibrators for this
I don’t see any difference here. I care about the personality of the partner with whom I have sex. I’m interested in interaction. And yes, I want to talk first.
So the carriers of the new ethics in our country are women. A lot depends on us. For example, I do not think that a man is obliged to pay for a woman. Why these obligations? If he is obliged to pay for my tea, then am I obliged to cook borscht for him? I do not live in such a paradigm. It’s OK for me to pay for myself, and I talk about it on the date when the bill arrives.
The person suits you, but you did not feel sexual attraction. Do you continue to communicate with him?
No, it’s not very fair. One is attracted to the other, but the other is indifferent, because this is unequal communication. It turns out that you are playing on the feelings of another. I found myself in situations where I like a guy, but he doesn’t like me. We are all very afraid of being rejected. You immediately start to think: what is wrong with me? Maybe you should have behaved differently? No it’s okay.
We meet rejection everywhere — at work, in relationships, in friendships. The more often you get rejected, the less painfully you treat them. Agree, not all relationships last to the grave. We meet, we part, it’s part of life. So is it worth it to refuse new meetings just because they can end? Even for someone who is looking for a long-term relationship, such an attitude will facilitate the search: a date is an opportunity to meet another person. Each of us is a whole universe. And it’s so interesting to know something about another.