They record everything that happens to them, in every possible way and in every detail – and spread it on the Web. How does this affect their development, what can it lead to and how should parents react to what is happening? Investigation of our correspondent and expert comments.
In order to better understand their virtual world, we went to explore sites popular with teenagers. From Facebook and Vkontakte to the scariest web territories. What we saw shocked us. Impressions of our correspondent and comments of experts.
They record almost every moment of their lives, in every detail, with all the means at hand: mobile phones, smartphones, tablets, cameras, video cameras. Everything captured is immediately laid out on the Web – how else? The web is their world; growing up, they fill it more and more with their images and often cross the boundaries of what is acceptable. A photograph of a boy with his hand in his unbuttoned jeans, or a video of a topless girl performing an erotic dance – all of us adults come across such shots, and we are seized with an uneasy feeling that we do not understand something.
The Internet is really their territory. His technologies, customs and mores teenagers know better than us. And we drown out the inner voice that keeps saying that not everything is fine there.
If we tell them about our anxiety, they reassure us: the Web is not a real, but a virtual world, so do not worry. But the real shock is experienced by those of us who (most likely accidentally) see their child in an impossible, unthinkable form on some site. What to say? What to do? How to talk to him about it without encroaching on his privacy? How not to harm him with your intrusion? And again doubts: after all, we are shocked by the fact that there is only virtual, and in real life a teenager does not cross the line … “The images are virtual, but behind them there are very real feelings of adolescents,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Héril. “And when they open up, expose themselves, they become very vulnerable.” “Many teenagers consider virtual reality to be much safer than their real life,” agrees sexologist Irina Panyukova. “And very often they seek salvation from loneliness there.” That is why, our experts insist, teenagers should not be left alone on the Web. Adults need to intervene in a dangerous situation.
Valentin, 17 years old, schoolboy
When I was assigned by the editors to observe the behavior of teenagers on the Web, I immediately thought about my first-year son. For several years he has had his own computer, and I have never controlled what exactly he watches on the Internet. But now I remembered episodes when I unexpectedly entered his room (it can be useless to knock: most often music rumbles in his headphones) and managed to see naked beauties on the monitor. My son instantly folded the picture, but in embarrassment I pretended not to notice anything. Puritan views are deeply alien to me, and I consider an interest in eroticism natural for a teenager, but this memory alarmed me. Irina Panyukova reassures: “Interest in sex in one form or another among all generations first arises precisely in adolescence. It’s just that our children have different codes of sexuality.” Indeed: didn’t I, a Soviet schoolgirl, eagerly read the book of the Polish sexologist Kazimierz Imelinsky (I don’t remember her name), which my friend gave me literally for one night? Then this book passed through the hands of almost all of my classmates. Playboy magazine, which someone’s parents brought from abroad, enjoyed the same success with us.
Read more:
- Teen Life in the Internet Age: Your Willingness to Listen is Most Important
And yet, yet… It is impossible not to see the difference between us and our children. We only occasionally, accidentally could touch this forbidden fruit. For modern teenagers, it is always available – just click the mouse. What does this change in their sense of life and in themselves? How does this affect their development?
Traveling through teen territory that is so accessible and incomprehensible, forbidden and so open scares me a little. I hesitate, slowly opening more and more new sites, and involuntarily try on what I see to my own son, to the children of my relatives and friends: how far have they advanced in the study of this territory? How often are they here? And how far do they go?
I push those thoughts away and quickly scroll through the LiveJournal blogs, browse the pages and communities on Vkontakte, the most popular site for teens. Countless music videos, photos and videos of teenage idols, conversations about school and “teachers”, naive half-childish revelations – from reflections on the meaning of life to complaints about the lack of understanding of parents and statements like “my friends are all I have in life” . And suddenly something completely different bursts into this semi-childish, in general, world: flashy cosmetics, crazy necklines, fishnet stockings, girls’ skirts pulled up to panties, guys with naked torsos and a hand in a causal place. And also videos with erotic dances. These lolitas and machos are 14, 15, 17… This was certainly not the case in the generation of their parents! I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite! But I have to admit that I feel extremely uncomfortable looking at frame after frame.
“Did you notice how carefully everything is built – pauses, lighting, mise-en-scène?” the psychoanalyst comments later. I remember pictures from the screen: the torso, which was obviously rubbed with oil for a photo shoot; teenager, languidly raising his finger to his lips. “Boys often use codes of homosexual eroticism,” explains Alain Eril. Two girls in a hammock, bare legs intertwined: “They produce their pictures inspired by pornography or, more precisely, clips of their idols copied from pornography. But if they do not show themselves, but only poses, then this should not be a concern.
But why do they do it? Here’s a question I can’t find an answer to. “They want to look more mature, join the trappings of adult life, or imitate what they see in glossy magazines,” says Irina Panyukova. “Sometimes it’s a demonstration of one’s own (supposedly) looseness. In real life, most teenagers will not risk behaving like this: both a sense of shame and a sense of danger interfere. And on the Internet, a girl can tease her virtual friend for as long as she wants, exciting him: she knows that this game is not dangerous for her.
But it turns out that from immodest pictures to real adult pornography is just a few steps, more precisely, mouse clicks. It is enough to skim through the profiles of some members of teenage communities in social networks to understand: under the guise of schoolgirls and students, there are a lot of sex professionals here. Even in TV series groups that are popular with teenagers, pornographic videos or hidden links leading to porn sites are often posted. It is enough to accidentally click on one of them – and the whole screen is covered with a scattering of screaming pictures: erect members, naked busts, beckoning mouths …
How wrong I was, considering myself free from taboos! For me, this is all too much. Anatomical details that I’d rather not see: close-ups of various types of penetration, all orifices of the body being scrutinized closely. Alain Eril comments: “These sites are often teenagers’ first introduction to adult sexuality. The lack of a script, even a rudimentary one, and any foreplay or affection leaves no room for the imagination. There is a risk that in the mind of a teenager there will no longer be a difference between sexuality and pornography.
Ivan, 16 years old, schoolboy
But how dramatic is it? I try my best to be impartial. After all, viewing erotica is a kind of initiation, a rite of passage into adulthood. And few of the teenagers resist the temptation to look at least once or twice how “it” looks in detail and detail. However, all this I say to myself is not quite sincere. “Dangerous hobby, dependence on porn, as it distorts reality,” explains Irina Panyukova. – Teenagers have a different, disharmonious model of relationships in a couple, in which feelings are not considered as an important part of sexual relations. Sex is perceived only as a physical, mechanical pleasure.” However, Alain Eril is not inclined to look at the situation so unambiguously: “There is no reason not to trust teenagers totally, not to believe that, despite what they see, they will not be able to feel and will not be able to love. Young people, as before, hope for a romantic meeting, dream of love – I constantly see the need for this in those who come to me for a consultation. Some teenagers admit how different the content of these films is from what they themselves dream of. Although pornography often uses images of young “heroes”, there is still no breakthrough into the world of teenagers – this kind of eroticism is addressed to adults. And the codes of teenagers are very different from the codes of adults.
I was left with the most difficult stage in my Internet expedition – video chats. Chatroulette, chat roulette – they are not particularly known to adults, but teenagers know them well. Using them is extremely simple, many do not require registration. It is enough to go to the site – and an online window appears on the monitor with a potential interlocutor, who, in turn, sees you in his window. I didn’t like it, I didn’t get interested – one movement of my finger, and a new face appears in the window. However, about the face – it’s more of a figure of speech. Sometimes in the frame only the torso (most often naked) or close-up of the genitals. In a short time, the “roulette” scrolls through an avalanche of images taken by the video camera online. Here, without exaggeration, the whole world is represented – any nationalities, races and countries, any age groups. Sensual postures, gestures, groans of some and tense, waiting, inviting glances of others merge into one common cry of desire, which for some reason cannot be satisfied “in real life”. And it is all the more terrible to see very young faces and bodies in the middle of this carousel.
Curious, embarrassed or flaunting their looseness, in their rooms littered with soft toys and paper airplanes – a frightening image of endless loneliness and confusion. And here, in the “roulettes” – adult predators, waiting for these very young and unprotected … I feel disgust, pity, fear, shame and a desire to quickly turn off the computer, forget, throw these pictures out of my head.
“Images like this would shock any healthy adult,” confirms Alain Eril. For the generation of parents of teenagers, sexuality is first of all pleasure, joy, enjoyment of intimacy with a loved one. Teenagers, on the other hand, engage in a semblance of sex in chat roulette, compensating for their loneliness, “dumping” dissatisfaction with life. This experience does not enrich them, on the contrary, it devastates them, because as a result they feel even more alone. They are really in danger.”
“Unsure of themselves, experiencing difficulties in communicating with peers, it is easier for others to become addicted from video chats,” warns Irina Panyukova. “They can’t tear themselves away from them, plunging into a trance for many hours.” Alain Eril also admits that some children are strongly tempted to visit such sites. “Winning is immediate and does not require any effort. After all, here you don’t have to develop a strategy to win a partner, here everyone always agrees on everything. ” Such accessibility, the ability to immediately satisfy desire, is also capable of causing addiction. “Yes, there is no risk of rejection, there is no distance separating them from the other person,” says the psychoanalyst. “The other here is nothing more than an object, and therefore animal impulses triumph.”
Alexandra, 15 years old, schoolgirl
“Sexuality is a mirror of society, and today it is guided by the setting “minimum time – maximum pleasure”, says Alain Eril. “We, the parents, created this hyperconsumption ourselves. Yes, we strive to listen to our children, respect their privacy, not be authoritarian. But to allow them absolutely everything, to say that everything is possible, means leaving them alone to cope with tasks beyond their strength. Irina Panyukova adds: “Not all parents know that the ability to self-control, the ability to assess risks and anticipate the consequences of one’s behavior develops in a person relatively late – by the age of nineteen or twenty. This means that teenagers need guidance from elders close to them.”
Our experts insist that we, parents, need to stop hiding in the bushes and dare to openly look at this situation. To fight with your adult emotions in order, overcoming fear, to again go the way of a lonely teenager.
What to do?
Most teenagers have already seen pornographic pictures, our experts are sure. And parents should decide to talk to them about it: directly, frankly and in a friendly way. “First of all,” advises Alain Eril, “it is necessary to explain that such images are made for commercial purposes and they are at least untruthful. Boys should be told that the strength, stamina and penis size of porn characters have nothing to do with the parameters of real men. We need to tell girls that a sexy woman is not necessarily a woman who is completely subordinate. It is these two components that are especially pronounced in porn films.
If a teenager gets naked on the web.
The best course of action is to help him look at himself from the outside, at the image that he openly demonstrates. A good solution is to say: “I saw you.” A teenager is quite capable of realizing what this means. If not, tell him directly what emotions his image evokes in you.
Help him understand.
Seeing shocking images of your child is a test for parents. Adults should not interfere with children’s sexuality, and fluctuations are quite natural. But from the moment these images are on the Internet, they become public. The teenager himself crossed the line, inviting others to enter into an erotic game with him. And we, adults, should help him realize this. Teenagers find it difficult to deal with the judgment of their parents. It is important for us to remember that their codes of sexuality are different from ours. And that ideas about the boundaries of what is acceptable, about respect for oneself and others, are acquired long before adolescence and, as a rule, persist after the crisis stages of growth.
See the danger.
The old cowboy smiles famously from the photograph; he is closer to sixty years old. Like everyone, he is looking for a kindred spirit. But here everyone is fifteen … He chats with them, using their slang, he is attentive and gives gifts. According to Alain Eril, there is no doubt: “This man is dangerous.” It must be reported immediately, without any hesitation. And without proof? “The mere fact that an adult seeks to communicate on intimate topics with adolescents confirms the danger.”
Act.
Facebook, for example, has a Help button at the bottom of the page. In the event of a complaint of inappropriate behavior, the account may be removed from the site. The same will be done on Odnoklassniki if a teenager, having received an ambiguous sentence or offensive hints from an unfamiliar adult, presses the “Alarm button”. You can report illegal content to the hotline of saferunet.ru. In addition, you can file a complaint against the websites of the Ministry of Internal Affairs. For example, in Moscow – to the online reception of the Main Directorate of the Ministry of Internal Affairs – petrovka38.ru/online_priemnaya
Explain,
how dangerous acquaintances act: using empathy (demonstrating their empathy) and patient collection of personal information. You can learn about safety rules on the Web on the websites: google.ru/goodtoknow/familysafety/resources and saferunet.ru/teenager
Use the help line.
For example, detionline.com/helpline
Prepared by Alexander Grigoriev
Have a question?
Teenagers and the Internet – Dangerous Connections?
Irina Panyukova will answer all your questions on our website.
Read also: “TEENS Territory: A guide for parents of teenagers.”