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A pause in sexual relations can last for months or years. When rediscovering physical intimacy, it is difficult to deal with excitement and anxiety. Stories of those who stepped over their fears, and tips on how to cope with them.
“I experienced this unforgettable sexual adventure after two years of complete seclusion,” says 36-year-old Nina. – During that difficult period, I tormented myself with memories of the collapse of my previous novel. At some point, I allowed myself a short, non-committal affair, from which in the end I got great pleasure. When our fleeting relationship ended, the feeling of lightness and happiness did not leave me for many days. I could not even imagine that having sex can give such a strong therapeutic effect.
I met Cyril in a chat. It turned out that he, too, was trying to get out of a difficult and traumatic story. It was possible, of course, to cry into each other’s vest, complaining about their former lovers, but at the first meeting we both felt a strong physical attraction to each other. And they did not interfere with their desires.
The optimism of Nina and her friend is not a typical example. More often, at the moment when sexual abstinence ends (whatever its causes and duration), we ask ourselves questions – from the most mundane to the existential. After all, along with desire, our fears also awaken.
Achievement Logic
“Advertising and the media impose on us the idea that regular passionate sex is necessary for a normal life,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “And we feel that we simply have to get sexual pleasure and strive for pleasure. To those who are not critical of this idea of the place of sex in their lives, abstinence can seem like a personal failure and even tragedy. And it is not easy to overcome this stereotype.
Excitement and anxiety during the resumption of sexual life are experienced by both men and women.
“The fears that arise in these circumstances are universal,” explains Inna Khamitova, “although a man more often concentrates on whether he can satisfy his partner after a break, he is not sure of his sexual viability. A woman thinks more about the fact that she is about to have to expose her, as she feels, imperfect body. She experiences fear of her own unattractiveness.”
But for everyone, the question “Will I be on top?” means, first of all, “can I succeed?”. It is not easy to trust another, to be yourself and get real pleasure from sex, being in captivity of such emotions.
With a date timer
Often the first date becomes a test for our vanity: unconsciously, we perceive it as an exam, which must be passed perfectly and in record time. At the same time, the feeling of the fragility of social ties with a partner and the fragility of the emotions that unite us do not leave. There is a fear of losing time on an adventure that may not become something more serious.
“The timer often ticks in the minds of modern lovers,” confirms psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. – They, like at a casting, must definitely shine, show everything they are capable of, show themselves at their best in a short period of time. This gives rise to anxiety – because everyone understands very well that now they are playing some role. In such a situation, it is very difficult to feel closeness, trust. And without this, it is almost impossible to feel your desire, tune in to your partner and enjoy sex.”
“Starting a story from scratch is always difficult,” notes Inna Khamitova. “The burden of past relationships, successful or not, we carry with us to a new life, and there it can make itself felt at the most inopportune moment.”
37-year-old Dmitry lived for more than six years with a woman who, in his opinion, was too demanding and rational. “I had to control myself day and night. I felt like a student who is afraid of making the slightest mistake, for which my friend will certainly reproach me. We broke up, and after almost a year I met a tender and sensual girl – the complete opposite of my ex.
The first time we had sex, I again felt the fear: will I be able to please her? She solved the problem gracefully. Pointing to my penis, she said, “Don’t control it like that, it will handle everything just fine.” Surprisingly, one phrase healed me from a long-standing self-doubt. For the first time in years, I made love like a young dog, hungry and crazy.”
uncharted territory
We are not only afraid of looking unconvincing – we are afraid of our own attraction: surrendering to impulse, you can become emotionally dependent on a partner. “Returning to sex means putting yourself at risk of re-experiencing pain and disappointment,” emphasizes Jean-Michel Hirt. But it is new relationships that allow us to move away from the usual pattern and show ourselves in an unexpected role.
“Most psychological and sexual problems are exacerbated by the habit of building relationships in a stereotypical way,” says Alexander Chernikov, a family therapist. “There are no more obstacles, but we still bypass their ghosts on our way. Or we simply don’t try to explore uncharted territories, and therefore we don’t even know where our borders end.”
It is not uncommon for two people to experience their best moments when they don’t expect too much from each other.
“A return to harmonious sexual relations can happen with a partner who is not at all the beautiful prince or princess that we have dreamed of all our lives,” says Inna Khamitova. “It’s not uncommon for two people to experience their best moments when they don’t expect too much from each other. In this case, the partners have no past and no future, they are focused on enjoying every moment spent together. They live here and now.”
39-year-old Marina had sex, breaking her promise to herself to wait for “true love.” “He was my colleague and I didn’t particularly like him. This happened after a New Year’s corporate party: he volunteered to walk me home and accepted my invitation to visit. Then the incredible happened – it was a flash of passion, which I had never experienced before. I don’t know how to explain it, maybe I wanted to prove something to myself, but I didn’t behave the way I always did.
Usually I am quiet, even timid, but at that moment the animal nature awakened in me, which I had no idea about. As a result, I got the most acute pleasure. I think the point was that I felt completely free – after all, I did not experience any emotional attachment to this person. For both of us, it was just sex.”
To speak or remain silent?
“Will the new partner notice that I haven’t done this for a long time?”, “Will I be in harmony with his body and with my own?” – these questions torment those who have to resume their sexual life. So is it worth talking about what is so scary?
According to Inna Khamitova, one should speak out one’s fears and anxieties if we assume that the relationship has a future. “But do not go into details, do not impose on your partner the role of a caring mother (or wise father) and, of course, do not blame yourself for the fact that everything turned out that way,” advises the psychologist. Your frankness will most likely lighten the mood and allow both of you to be more considerate to each other, but also more playful at the same time. Indeed, at this moment, attention switches from one’s own anxieties to the feelings of a partner, so that the openness of each is effective for both.
body for love
“You should not take physical intimacy too seriously,” advises Inna Khamitova. – Go with the flow, surrender to your feelings and be sensitive to the signals of your body, trust it and learn to give yourself pleasant sensations. After all, our body is the finest instrument that gives us the best and most diverse sensations. When we are in contact with him, we enjoy, even if the abstinence lasted for several years.
According to our experts, it’s worth using the time before a love date to tune in to your own body, which will connect us with another person. You can, for example, lie down for a few minutes in the morning and evening, relax, trying to focus your attention on those images and desires that will fill your half-asleep. Massage or self-massage with flavored milk or oil will help you tune in to your body. Taking care of ourselves, we enjoy and feel more confident.
Iya, 33, has been living alone for four years. “I love my body for the pleasures it gives me. Every Friday I go dancing tango, I have yoga classes in the middle of the week, and on Sundays I swim. I like to pamper myself and take care of myself. When someone I feel attracted to appears on my path, and he reciprocates, my body will be ready, because we are at one with him.