Sex after cheating: how to restore intimacy

We flinch at the touch, dodge the kiss. We doubt ourselves: “I’m not so young”, “it’s too late for me to learn something new about intimacy”, “I won’t be able to become attractive to my wife again” – one partner suffers. And the other has a feeling of guilt or the idea that intimacy should always be “on the highest level” so as not to disappoint the second and avoid accusations of coldness.

Those around them also add fuel to the fire, condemning not only the “traitors”, but also those who are not ready to punish them approximately. Sometimes it is difficult for couples during a crisis not only to lie side by side in bed, but even to look at each other. However, limiting sexual experience in a couple for a long time is not the best solution, says sexologist Alexander Tesler.

In addition, he notes the difference in attitudes towards intimacy in men and women: “A man who has changed may sincerely not understand why he is punished with deprivation of sex, since he really loves his wife, and sees a combination of circumstances in adultery.”

Sex should not be a punishment or a reward. “This is part of the life of a couple, a way to express affection, to share their desires. The task of partners going to reconciliation after betrayal is to find reasons for rapprochement, ”says sexologist Elena Malakhova.

You can ask yourself: what steps to reunite with a partner am I ready to take now? This will help the recommendations of sexologists.

STEP 1. ask the other about his desires

“Intimacy in a couple is important to both. And therefore now it is necessary to learn to think about what is required not only for you, but also for your partner, – recommends Alexander Tesler. – Do not invent for another, but ask what he wants. One of my clients was surprised: why do men, choosing perfumes for me, ask the saleswoman for advice, and not me? It happens in sex too: partners do not agree, they are not interested, but they act as they saw somewhere, as it is considered right.

But our desires are different. For example, it is important for someone to be touched. If your partner is like that, then remember it and touch it. Just like that, for no reason, in any everyday situations, stroke, take your hand. But if you have talked and understood that your partner has such bodily attention, especially in public, is a concern, on the contrary, reduce kinesthetic contact to a minimum. When our desires are respected, we feel safe.

STEP 2. AVOID ERRONOUS CONCLUSIONS

If the betrayal happened recently, you may sleep on opposite sides of the bed. Touching, hugging each other seems something unreal, completely sky-high. As you wonder why this is happening, you might think, “She keeps cheating on me” or “I’m no longer sexually attractive to him.” To get rid of vague suspicions and erroneous conclusions, turn into Sherlock Holmes for a while.

Consider whether there is evidence for your assumptions? And what indicates the unrealistic conclusions? For example, you think that your partner did not like you. And he, on the contrary, takes steps to get closer: he calls you to find out how you feel, comes home early, starts a conversation on topics that concern you. Alexander Tesler believes that it is important to notice these signs of attention. They create bonding and warmth between partners and restore trust that encourages intimacy.

STEP 3. VALUE THE TIME SPENT TOGETHER

“If sex has become a problematic side of the relationship, take it for granted and do not rush,” suggests Elena Malakhova, “sometimes it takes time and a gentle, caring attitude towards each other to restore intimacy. Spend more time together and appreciate the closeness that arises in these moments.

Go to memorable places just for the two of you. For example, sit on the last row in the cinema where you first kissed. Ride on a boat and remember the romantic atmosphere of the beginning of a relationship. There is a lot of beauty around – share it with each other. Go to a jazz festival or a fashion show and get inspired. Pleasant experiences will be associated with a partner and a new stage in life.

“When you are together, do not forget about the “social strokes,” adds Alexander Tesler. – Positive attention raises self-esteem for both men and women. Do not get tired of noting how great the partner pumped up in the gym, cut his hair, styled his hair, what beautiful eyes he (she) has. Let your partner know that you enjoy his company.

STEP 4. LEARN NEW FEELINGS

By building relationships anew, you can diversify the familiar scenario of sexual intimacy. “Experiments are useful,” says Alexander Tesler, “but you don’t need to plan and schedule them. Like, tomorrow, between laundry and Auchan, we have role-playing games. Still, broadening the range of acceptability is important.

The main thing is to correctly talk about sexual fantasies and formulate wishes appropriately. A pleasant environment also encourages intimacy. Delicious dinner, favorite candles, subdued light… All these simple ingredients will help you find relaxed calm, and then move on to light playfulness. But everything is only by mutual desire.

Another way to let new sensations into your life is to relax and unwind. Go on vacation, travel. Discuss in advance with your partner where you would like to go right now, what kind of vacation would be interesting to you. If you play tennis, let the hotel have a court. And if possible, do not take children with you. In difficult times, you need to rest together.

STEP 5. come up with JOINT RITUALS

If you are not yet ready to open up to your partner, you may feel defenseless and vulnerable when you are alone. After all, after betrayal, partners build relationships anew, learn to trust each other again. Come up with your strategy to restore trust. Remember what was so dear to you, but is now lost.

“The Table of Trust will help to return the best that was before the betrayal,” Elena Malakhova suggests the decision. – Include in it all the rituals and traditions that warmed your relationship. What could it be? Evening tea with conversations, a kiss before going to bed or small presents. In the first column of the table, write “I miss …”.

And in each new column, add rituals and put the date when you completed your plan. In times of crisis, rituals help to feel unity with a partner, strengthen relationships and bring them closer. Familiar, pleasant activities will help you relax. Think about what you can do together while feeling the other person around. Dance together around the room, sit on the couch, resting your head on the shoulder or on the knees of another.

STEP 6. temporarily refuse SEX

Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t want to. Physical intimacy is not necessarily sex. Agree in advance that you will briefly give up sex and devote time to sensuality. To support each other, not only to tell, but also to show what you would like – this, according to Elena Malakhova, is the key to success. Show your partner how you would like him to touch you.

The practice of “Hand on hand” will help in this. Take your partner’s hand in your hand and show where and how it is better to touch you, gently or with light pressure. This is the first stage. In the second stage, your hand is on top of the partner’s hand, but now it is already passive, and the partner leads. When you get a little comfortable and stop being shy, you can move on to the practice of sensory therapy. Take turns caressing each other’s whole body, while, however, excluding touching the intimate areas.

STEP 7. CREATE A COMMON REALITY

We can still feel for quite a long time that outwardly everything remains as before, but there is no longer internal unity. How to assemble this puzzle? The practice of creating a common reality, recommended by Elena Malakhova, will help. In the evening, before falling asleep, imagine that you are in an unfamiliar place. Only double. For example, this is the seashore. What country are you in? What surrounds you? What are the plants and animals around? Is the sun shining or is it getting dark?

Describe this reality in a lively dialogue. “I see the sea, the wave is breaking on the shore…” one partner begins. “The water foams and the wave rolls back,” continues another. Expand the picture, make it as voluminous as possible. The benefit of this practice is that both partners relax. There is a state of security, trust in each other. And most importantly, there is an adjustment taking place, together you complete the overall picture.

STEP 8. CLOSING THE DISTANCE

Work with the body will be ineffective if there are internal conflicts. Not possible without their permission. We must get answers to the questions: “What exactly in a partner confuses me and even angers me? Why aren’t we ready to close the distance and continue our rapprochement?” The exercise “Evening teleconference” will help to express your feelings and thereby take another step towards intimacy, suggests Elena Malakhova.

Stand in front of a seated partner and for a predetermined time (in the beginning it can be 5-10 minutes) express everything that has accumulated. Agree that he will just listen carefully to you, but will not give feedback. Some relief can be felt immediately. And if you repeat the exercise, then after a few days, anxiety will decrease, there will be noticeably less tension in the relationship.

STEP 9. REPORTING OUR WISHES

It is often difficult for us to talk about sexual desires even in “peacetime”, especially after betrayal, when all feelings are aggravated, and the mind at times tends to stop fulfilling direct duties. “If it’s uncomfortable, it’s embarrassing to talk about desires, write to each other,” suggests Elena Malakhova. “It’s time to finally believe not only in the power of instincts, but also in rational explanations.”

A partner cannot guess about our “wishlist”. He does not have the gift of reincarnation into the all-seeing. Grab a piece of paper and a pen and write down what you want. Try to formulate thoughts like this: “I would like you to caress me”, “I would be pleased …”, “let’s try …”. Leave the letter in a place where the partner will definitely notice it, but the children will not get it.

When all desires are revealed, it remains only to realize them. Do this practice for a week. At first, you can leave notes with desires, and then the partner will become a full participant in this game. And, perhaps, he also wants to write you a message. This way you can help each other open up and get closer.