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Perhaps you are the kind of man or woman who really enjoys having sex. In addition, you may have a high libido. But others only condemn you and even consider you a “sexaholic”. But where is the line? Let’s figure it out.
18+
Non-standard relationships in 50+
Lyuba (54) and Igor (66) met in an adult nightclub 14 years ago. And they’ve been together ever since. For Igor, this is the third marriage, for Luba the second.
“I liked Lyuba, I felt attraction,” says Igor. – That evening I had sex with her, and Lyuba had sex with three more men besides me. I was there and watched. It turns me on when a woman has sex with another man.”
“I have always had a strong sexual fantasy – to be a slave to my master,” Lyuba shares. “We agreed on that right away. The first two years we had a guest marriage, we met every weekend and played sexual games.
We have never been compulsively addicted to sex. We have sex when we want. Used to be twice a day to once a week. Now less often – twice a month.
When I moved to live with Igor, we started having erotic parties at home. Invited friends from our nudist party. They came up with scenarios.
For example, there was an oriental party with the sultan, the sultan’s wife, the vizier and concubines. No one knew in advance who would get what role. Even now we rarely, but we arrange such parties. The strength became less. I sometimes feel like I’m not as good as I used to be. It saddens, affects the mood.
At one time, the thought dominated that I was no longer so attractive. This blocked the excitation, interfered with the connection to the process. It seems to be gone now.”
“We both just love sex,” continues Igor. – You can’t go to swing or group sex if the relationship is not trusting enough, there is no intimacy, different attitudes towards sex. Otherwise, you can destroy the emotional connection.
Some couples do not talk to each other about who dreams of what. And in vain. It is better to honestly say: “One man does not satisfy me. Let’s have sex with one more man, or we’d better not get together. And then you don’t get bored. There is no saturation.”
You can not call a person a sexaholic just because his environment considers it so. It is important to find out first how comfortable he lives. Igor and Lyuba are not sexaholics, they just like sex. They organized their lives according to their ideas of what is good, according to the rules of conduct in their particular family. Their sexual behavior is not detrimental to emotional health. They are emotionally stable and active.
If your own sexual behavior causes uncontrollable harm to the emotional health of a man or woman, then professional help should be sought.
How does sexaholism manifest itself?
The story of Igor and Lyuba is an example of atypical partner behavior, but not sexaholism. Let’s figure out how to understand when the love of this activity turns into an addiction.
Sexoholism refers to sexual behavior in which desire cannot be satisfied. Sexually addicted people need urgent and quick “repayment” of their need and cannot resist impulses.
As a result, sexual activity becomes their primary goal. All other thoughts and desires fade into the background, cease to be important. Addicts engage in endless self-gratification by compulsively masturbating before, during, and after sex.
For the sake of a new “dose” they are ready to take risks – connections with prostitutes, unprotected sex. This difficult emotional state is accurately portrayed in Shame (UK, 2011, 18+) starring Michael Fassbender and Anatomy of Vice (US, 2001, 18+) with Michael De Barre.
The dopamine system of a sexually addicted person quickly “burns out”
Intimate sensitivity decreases, the body becomes tolerant to the irritant, and in order to obtain minimal pleasure, such a man or woman has to resort to hyperstimuli.
Often, selective impotence develops at the same time – when a permanent partner no longer excites, and HD porn, new partners, or, for example, painful stimulation are required1.
In addition, with sexaholism, according to the American psychologist Patrick Carnes, mental dependence on fetishes increases. It is important to note that the term “sexaholism” is not scientific. It happens that it is used as a social label that can easily be assigned to any person who is seen as different from generally accepted standards.
In turn, the terms “nymphomania” and “satiriasis”, which were previously used to refer to pathological hypersexuality, are also becoming a thing of the past. From 2022, this type of disorder will be included in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) as “compulsive disorder of sexual behavior of habits and drives.”
pure pleasure
What is the difference between simple love for sex and sexual addiction? A person with a high sexual appetite may have sexual intercourse without the presence of romantic feelings. He is not ashamed of his positive attitude towards sex. Leads a sexually uninhibited lifestyle, but, unlike an addict, has greater sensitivity to genital stimulation2.
There is one more difference. A person who finds it difficult to regulate his sexual behavior experiences emotional and physical exhaustion, feels loneliness, isolation, and shame. High libido does not interfere with sexually active people to live and interact with others. They do not use sex as a means to reduce anxiety and reduce depression.
They easily cross the traditional boundaries of what is acceptable in a relationship (for example, maintain open, polyamorous relationships), but at the same time, if necessary, they quickly deal with their emotional state. Do not jam, do not displace emotions with sex. They do not use sex in order to assert themselves or raise self-esteem, increase their own significance.
1 Research by Dr. Andrey Beloveshkin
2 Research by neuroscientist Nicole Prawse
About the Author:
Olga Dulepina – Gestalt therapist, systemic family psychologist, author of the book “More than two. Polyamory, open relationships, alternative love” (Peter, 2021). Her .