Contents
Today, men are becoming more vulnerable emotionally, and therefore in sex. But it is easier for them to admit their vulnerability today. So, everything is not so bad, experts are sure. Let’s analyze men’s anxieties, starting with the most relevant.
1. Lack of desire
This phenomenon has been talked about recently, when specialists appeared who were ready not only to listen to patients’ complaints about the lack of sexual desire, but also to really help them.
“For a long time it was believed that the lack of desire in men is directly related to erectile dysfunction or problems with ejaculation, that is, with purely physiological reasons,” explains Igor Kan, sexologist, employee of the Center for Medical Sexology and Sexopathology. – Now it is clear that in most cases, the decrease or absence of libido hides the complexity of the psychological nature.
What does an adult man usually say at a sexologist’s appointment? “In general, my wife and I live normally, but somehow I don’t feel like having sex at all …” To the question “What do you want?” men respond differently: some do not want anything, others are fascinated by a career and, in general, everything that is not connected with sex.
Often, love desire disappears when sexual relations cease to be pleasurable, become mechanical, turn into a boring duty or into a strict examination, from which one naturally wants to avoid. “A man can even go to the doctor with complaints about his health, unconsciously hoping to hide behind the image of the patient and thereby find an excuse for himself,” says Igor Kan.
“At the same time, everyone has periods when priorities just change,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. – With age, for example, sex ceases to occupy the thoughts of men completely, in the life of most of them it gives way to other pleasures. He is still significant in the hierarchy of values, but is no longer the main one. But not everyone can simply recognize this fact and accept it.”
2.Erectile dysfunction
Most patients come with this complaint, our experts note. “Many have a desperate fear of their own sexual failure,” says andrologist Sylvan Mimoun. – From childhood, a man is brought up as the owner of the phallus. Therefore, it is in him that he sees the proof of his existence and the basis for being recognized as a man. And, therefore, they fell in love.
But such increased attention to the phallus makes men very vulnerable. At least once in their lives, each of them experienced sexual impotence, a moment when it is impossible to maintain an erection, in 90% of cases due to psychological reasons. But men always dramatize such moments, feel shame, begin to have sex less frequently. And as a result, fears only grow.
How to stop a series of failures? “Sometimes this can be done with the help of drugs and the support of a psychotherapist,” says Igor Kan. “But the mood of the man himself is no less important.” He should concentrate on how to please a woman. Convince her that it’s not about her. This way you can restore trust and gradually find a rhythm of sexual life that suits both partners.
3. Premature ejaculation
“One in three men suffer from premature ejaculation, which occurs immediately before penetration or immediately after it,” says Sylvan Mimoun. “This is the most common male sexual disorder and one of the main fears.”
It may arise due to a misunderstanding of the partners, who, perhaps, simply did not have time to agree, adjust to the rhythm and needs of each other: five minutes is enough for him, and she dreams of fifteen. Or because of the irregularity of sexual contacts, which increases the hyperexcitability of a man. But more often associated with the first, not always successful, sexual intercourse.
The more a man worries about the risk of premature ejaculation, the more he tenses up and accelerates its onset
“The body easily gets used to rapid ejaculation, a physiological mechanism is formed, which is then reproduced reflexively,” explains the andrologist. It can be difficult to stop this process: the more a man experiences because of the risk of premature ejaculation, the more he tenses up and thereby accelerates its onset. Or the intervals between intercourses become longer, eventually he begins to avoid sex altogether, which creates a risk of erection problems. Even to talk about it means to take a step towards correcting the situation.
4.Masturbation
Harmless “handwork” that has no side effects often causes feelings of guilt. “Public morality condemns masturbation, attributing to it responsibility for all sorts of troubles,” recalls Igor Kan. “Meanwhile, self-satisfaction is a natural form of sexual fulfillment.” A man may resort to it for various reasons, including due to the lack of a regular sex life or because of its lack.
Masturbation allows you to get rid of tension, relax. It is harmless and should not cause concern – unless, of course, it becomes an obsessive need. “It’s not the physical harm from masturbation that is dangerous, but the change in the stereotype of behavior: in fact, a man turns to autoeroticism and may not be able to maintain his previous relationship in a couple,” comments Igor Kan. “Self-satisfaction does not replace sexual relations with a real partner, it only brings additional pleasure.”
5. Sexual fantasies
“I am married, I love my wife, we have children. But I can’t help fantasizing about having sex with a dark-skinned stranger. What does it mean?” “I want my partner to have sex with another man. This is fine?” Many men, besieged by fantasies, are very worried about this. “Meanwhile, fantasies are harmless and quite acceptable if they do not violate the space of another,” says Igor Kan. “But if they become intrusive, it is better to consult a doctor.”
6. Penis size
Too small a penis is a classic male fear. It cannot be dispelled either by the numerous evidence that there is no direct relationship between the size of the penis and the pleasure of a woman, or by the fact that only the entrance to the vagina, the labia and clitoris, where the main nerve endings are located, has high sensitivity. Men are still concerned about size, and modern medicine offers different ways to increase the length and diameter of the penis.
“Most men complain about being small when they are at rest,” says Dr. Sylvan Mimoun. It’s the infamous locker room syndrome. Often such a man in childhood was ridiculed by friends or his father, under the guise of a joke called “small”, and he did not recover from this humiliation even 30 years later.
“Pornography did a disservice here: a man who is prone to doubt cannot but be disappointed in his own parameters, strengths and capabilities, comparing himself with what he sees on the screen or on the pages of magazines,” adds Igor Kan. – He begins to get hung up on this, makes operations, which often does not solve his problems. Psychotherapeutic work can really help him.”