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Almost every one of us faces unsolicited criticism one way or another. And far from always we hear comments from a random person who can be easily forgotten. If we are talking about relatives or colleagues, that is, people with whom we are forced to come into contact, it is important to be able to protect ourselves, our heroine believes. They perceive good breeding as a green light for rude attacks.
Critical remarks and advice that were not asked for are nothing more than veiled aggression and a desire to assert itself at your expense. They often appear in the form of pseudo-concern: “Why are you so pale? Perhaps you didn’t get enough sleep? Are you sick?» I have worked out for myself three quite polite ways that help discourage the critic from attacking again.
Imagine a game of ping pong. When you are criticized, the ball flies towards you. As a rule, the person who sends it does not expect you to respond immediately. The first way is to be genuinely surprised. Even if you know that you really didn’t sleep well or gained weight and it’s noticeable, answer: “It’s strange — today I looked at myself in the mirror and liked myself so much that I decided not to even make up.” Or: “I weighed myself in the morning — it turned out that I had lost two kilograms.”
You were surprised and symbolically gave the ball to the other side. Most likely, the interlocutor will not know what to do with him. It is unlikely that he will dare to insist on his own, and, unless you have a skillful manipulator in front of you, the conversation will end.
If you are in a good mood, you can play cat and mouse: unexpectedly agree with what you have been told
Another way to disarm your counterpart is to compliment him. They tell you that you made a bad presentation, and you answer: “But you had a successful presentation.” The interlocutor, again, will not know how to behave. There will be a pause, and if the counterpart is decent, he may experience discomfort or guilt. Most likely, you will come out of this situation as a winner.
If you are in a good mood, you can play cat and mouse: unexpectedly agree with what you have been told. «You don’t look very good today.» — «Yes, what to do, age.» «Looks like your dress isn’t enough.» “Yes, not enough. Ate a lot lately. I don’t know how to lose weight.» So you again put the critic in an unexpected position. Agreeing is often a good way to deflect criticism and get out of the dialogue.
I think it is important to always rebuff those who come up with such advice and remarks. Otherwise, your counterpart, most likely, not distinguished by a good upbringing, will perceive your delicate silence as a sign of weakness and will continue to use you as a target to dump negative emotions.
“Fighting back unsolicited criticism, build on your strengths”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
Our heroine, most likely, is an extrovert, and in many respects this is why she “beats the balls” quickly and beautifully. She offers effective methods, but it can be difficult for introverts to follow such advice, since these techniques do not correspond to their nature. Such people in a situation of unsolicited criticism should rely on their strengths.
It is useful to immediately analyze who and with what is “knocking” on your borders. Is it an aggressor who decided to drink your blood and simply does not know other ways of interaction, or a person dear and close to you who made an awkward situation? Is criticism constructive? In analysis, the introvert is strong.
If you have a dangerous manipulator in front of you, your task is to create distance and protect your inner world. Ideally, immediately stop the conversation, use a plausible pretext and leave. If it is impossible to get out of contact (for example, a critic is your boss), try to imagine a glass wall between you and watch how the words from that side hit it and fall, or “draw” an absurd outfit and cap on your opponent. The attacker usually wants to see your reaction, and if there is none, he gets bored.
Do not be afraid or ashamed of your slowness, but try not to avoid contact — it is better to write a letter
It happens that a remark requires your response or you need to influence the situation. Practice saying “stop” confidently and moving the conversation in the right and comfortable direction for you. It is useful to acquire on-duty home preparations so that at a time of stress you do not suffer from searching for words. These can be the tricks of our heroine, and a persistent return to the main thread of the conversation.
What to do if unreasonable criticism comes from a person close to you, important to you, whose opinion you trust? You may not find an answer right away. Feel free to take some time to think and warn about it out loud: “I’m confused right now, but this is an important topic and I want to definitely return to it.” There is no need to be afraid or ashamed of your slowness, but try not to avoid contact — it is better to write a letter, tell about your feelings, ask questions that are important to you.