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How to forgive those who deceived us, betrayed us, hurt us, brought us grief? And will this forgiveness really help us ourselves?
We often forgive others for their words or deeds. But in some cases, it is very difficult for us to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us.
Cruel parents, a person who attacked us, a driver who knocked down someone close to us … We need to do a lot of inner work to forgive them.
It’s a long and hard road. For some, this is a courageous act, for some it is an admission of their own weakness, since they would rather take revenge …
In any case, forgiveness towards those who brought suffering and grief is not taken for granted.
However, all those who were able to forgive their offenders say that this step brought them liberation. Moreover, he filled their lives with new energy.
While the offender torments us, it is impossible to enter the path of forgiveness
Forgiveness really frees from suffering, pain, anger, contempt, malice.
Regardless of whether we are asked for forgiveness or we forgive ourselves, this decision is always the result of hard work on ourselves. Moreover, the outcome of this work cannot be known in advance. Even if we really want to forgive the offender, there is a chance that we simply will not succeed.
The process of forgiveness is partly unconscious, and its “success” depends not on the degree of the offense, but on the strength of our experiences.
For example, two abandoned children will have different fates. Perhaps one will treat life as a struggle, while the other will perceive it as a battle lost in advance. It’s all about whether each of them can forgive their parents.
The stories of forgiveness are unique, and there are as many of them as there are of those who have been hurt. Despite this, we have tried, together with psychoanalysts Nicole Fabre and Gabriel Ruben, to identify the main stages on the path to forgiveness.
1. Decide to stop suffering
As long as the offender torments us, it is impossible to enter the path of forgiveness. But how to put an end to this?
The first step can be a conscious decision: stop suffering, stop experiencing pain, resentment, injustice.
Sometimes this means breaking up or moving away from someone who hurts us. Indeed, next to the offender (a mother who ignored us for many years, a boss who broke his promise …) we feel powerless. Suffering simply paralyzes us.
“You can forgive only that for which you can punish”
In special cases, when our physical or mental health is at risk, the only way to get through the first stage and make the guilty person answer for his act may be through a lawsuit.
Forgiving someone who has been cruel to us and going to court or the police do not contradict each other. Indeed, as the French writer and philosopher Simone Weil noted, “only that which can be punished can be forgiven.”
Judgment in the name of society may determine the guilt and punish the offender. But only the victim can forgive him, and only if he himself wants it.
2. Admit we were wronged
The past does not disappear. It is useless to try to forget the offense. Thanks to the mechanisms of psychological defense, suffering, hatred and bitterness are forced into the unconscious, where they continue to act with even greater destructive force.
We need to acknowledge the guilt of the person who harmed us. It is necessary to live on. As Gabriel Reuben explains, this gives us the opportunity to “return the blame to the offender and thereby restore a relationship with ourselves.”
In addition, it will avoid the development of psychosomatic diseases or behavior patterns that lead to repeated failures in work and relationships.
3. Express your anger
Feel anger and even hatred towards your “executioner” – in other words, acknowledge and “let out” your suffering. At first, aggressiveness is even useful: it speaks of mental health, that the victim does not deny what happened and does not transfer the guilt of others.
As Gabriel Ruben explains, “Hate is a very powerful feeling that cannot be made to disappear. If we do not direct it at the offender, then we will inevitably turn it on ourselves, risking starting the process of self-destruction.
Man is not equal to the sum of his actions, no matter how monstrous they may be
There is rarely an opportunity to directly express our anger and reproaches to the offender: he may not consider himself guilty or have such strong power over us that we will not dare to resist him.
However, we can do this work ourselves: write down everything that you experience and tell about your experiences to a person you trust. And if the situation is very painful, consult a specialist.
4. Stop feeling guilty
Paradoxically, most victims feel guilty about what happened to them. Trying to figure out which side of our being has been hurt the most will help make the resentment less acute.
What was hurt in us – pride, reputation, honor, bodily boundaries?
“The answer to this question will help get rid of guilt, that is, to realize that we are not responsible for what happened to us,” says psychoanalyst Nicole Fabre.
It is about giving up your ideal self, this fantastic self-image, and parting with obsessive lamentations: “I have no forgiveness for not doing otherwise.”
In some really dramatic situations, such as rape or incest, forgiving yourself is simply necessary – in order to move on.
5. Understand the one who hurt us
Hatred and anger help to survive aggression, but if you experience them for a long time, this leads to self-destruction. To avoid this, it is useful to “get into the shoes” of the offender.
Understanding his motives does not mean forgiving. Our task is to see his weaknesses, to comprehend the act that caused us pain. This will help you to accept it to some extent. After all, a person is not equal to the sum of his actions, no matter how monstrous they may be.
6. Don’t rush
Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiveness granted too quickly does not bring relief.
Take your time, “let the time pass while maintaining an active attitude towards forgiveness,” advises Nicole Fabre.
Forgiveness received too quickly can be perceived by the guilty as absolution. It will also become a trap for the victim, who still feels bitterness and anger, without even realizing it. Just too little time has passed.
The illusion of forgiveness turns against the one who wants to forgive.
7. Take control of your life again
How do we know if we have truly forgiven? If we no longer feel either anger or malice towards the one who made us suffer, and “if the feeling of guilt about what happened has disappeared”, adds Gabriel Reuben, then we can consider that we have forgiven.
Forgiveness is an act of liberation in which pain dissolves
Another sure sign that forgiveness has taken place is, in the words of Nicole Fabre, “the transition to action, the return of our active attitude to life.”
Forgiveness is often an act of release in which pain dissolves. It helps a person to become the master of his life again, stop enduring and suffering, or even become stronger.
According to Nicole Fabre, “To forgive means to become more mature, to give a place in your life to another person, to accept him. The real path to liberation is to take the step to forgive and move on.”
Forgiveness, we take care of our health
Forgiveness brings relief to our soul. In addition, according to scientists, it is healing for our body.
By forgiving the offender, we receive new strength not only in the mental, but also in the physical sense – this is confirmed by the study of psychology professor at Hope College (USA) Charlotte van Oyen Whitvliet.
More than 70 men and women were sequentially “immersed” in four states – the active experience of resentment, thoughts of revenge, sympathy for the offender and forgiveness – and measured the pulse rate, pressure, sweating and muscle tone.
Psychologists have found consistent physiological differences between states of unforgiveness and forgiveness. At one memory of the offender, all the subjects disrupted the activity of the cardiovascular system. These changes became very significant when they thought about revenge.
Waiting for a request for forgiveness, we chain ourselves to the offender, giving him the keys to our freedom.
“If you are willing to put in the effort required for forgiveness, you will definitely feel the benefits it will bring to both your mental state and your physical health,” says Charlotte van Oyen Whitvliet.
Should we wait until the offender asks us for forgiveness?
Many hope that the person who has hurt us will realize his guilt and come to us “with confession.” But what if he’s not going to apologize?
“It is impossible to forgive if we are not asked for it,” says Gabriel Ruben. – But the movement of the executioner towards the victim is possible only if he admits his guilt. Otherwise, the victim continues to live on, but there is no question of forgiveness.”
According to other experts, the opposite is true: waiting for a request for forgiveness, we chain ourselves to the offender, giving him the keys to our freedom. So is it worth the wait?
When 39-year-old Nadia’s grandmother died, she felt an urgent need to improve relations with her father while he was alive:
“Father all my life only scolded and reproached me. But even without meeting him, I felt that he was a part of me. I needed to forgive him in order to start living my life. I didn’t demand love, I didn’t ask for an explanation, and I didn’t intend to judge him.
I just wanted to say that he was not the father I dreamed of, but I forgive him. This forgiveness healed me, I felt the chains fall from me. I forgave him for myself. He did not ask me for forgiveness, but said “thank you”. I realized from his eyes that I had lifted a load from his soul.”