Setting Boundaries in Relationships with Loved Ones: 6 Steps

Imagine a situation: your mother calls you and starts talking about a touching dog that she saw on a TV show. And you work, and you don’t care about the animals that bring slippers and talk.

But on the other hand, you are ashamed to just brush it off and hang up. After all, if you think about it, you always have a lot of work, and you never have enough time to chat with your mother. So you keep listening and yelling into the phone and getting angry. In the end, you still interrupt the conversation, perhaps even in a rude way, and the rest of the day your mood (and your mother’s) is worse than ever.

Or your uncle. The one who just loves to cuddle. You love him, he is a wonderful person. But you hate being touched too much and too often. And his hugs are unpleasant to you. Uncle is kind, he practically raised you. How do you tell him that you don’t like his behavior? He will be offended. Therefore, you endure and strain at each meeting.

And such a situation is also possible. Your friend often asks for favors or advice. He talks for hours about his troubles, you feel sorry for him, you help from time to time, even if you are busy and you have enough problems of your own. But if you need something, it’s gone. He does not even want to listen to you, he has no time, and is not interested. It comes to the point that you start to drop his calls, because you don’t want to do anything else for him, but it’s not enough to directly refuse the spirit.

What do all these examples have in common? they are about breaking boundaries and failing to defend them. Psychoanalyst Diane Barf states: “Our boundaries define us as a person. By setting them, we announce what we will and won’t do, what we like and don’t like, and how close we are willing to let the other go.”

It turns out that this is a kind of personal manifesto about prohibitions and permissions. “If we respect our boundaries, if we believe in our values,” the psychoanalyst continues, “we get the right to choose and take responsibility for it, for our thoughts, beliefs and actions.”

We expect other people to respect our boundaries, and we, in turn, are willing to respect theirs. However, sometimes we need to clearly state where this invisible line passes.

We usually get angry and offended at violators. We even feel guilty before them if we have to refuse something. Although anger sometimes helps to establish distance, it does not give us the opportunity to clearly define our frame of reference, to draw boundaries for ourselves and for the other.

It is not always easy to take responsibility for your own thoughts, expectations and actions. But one way or another, we have to do it. And it’s best to set boundaries gently, tactfully, respectfully and with the utmost clarity, Diana Barf advises.

Even if the other does not understand our hints, if we have to state directly over and over again that his behavior does not suit us, this does not mean at all that we cannot do it kindly and with care for him. Even if he does not see this, he will be offended or angry. If we ourselves are sure that we did our best not to hurt his feelings, it will be easier for us to get rid of the guilt for his anger and resentment.

What are 6 steps to help you set healthy boundaries in a relationship?

1. Determine what you want

Until you yourself understand this, you will not be able to explain to another what you expect from him. Don’t want your mom to call work? Or do you want her to do it less often? Or maybe it will be easier for you to agree with her on the time of the call and, for example, chat at lunchtime? Deal with this for your own sake.

2. Talk

So, you yourself have clarified what you want, and learned that you have the right to protect your desires. Now it’s time to explain it to the other – correctly, gently, respectfully and very clearly. If Mom calls again, say, “Mommy, I already said that you can’t chat during working hours. Don’t be offended, but I probably won’t be able to pick up the phone next time. I’ll call you after work.” Then say goodbye and end the conversation.

3. See the world soberly

Mom is unlikely to stop calling you, and a friend – asking for advice. Don’t expect other people’s behavior to change once you announce that you don’t like it. However, you will tell your mother without guilt that you cannot talk, because you warned that you are busy today. And refuse a friend an uncomfortable request. You have the right: after all, you indicated in advance that you do not always have the opportunity to listen and help.

4. Be consistent

Often we do not get tired or are afraid to remind about boundaries, because it is difficult. Every time you have to swear or feel guilty. But if we declare one thing, then another, we only confuse a person. And that’s even worse than saying nothing at all. We all sometimes give up positions, but it is important to return to the right track in time.

Yes, you went on about a friend and again did what he wanted from you. But next time, tell me directly – it will not happen again.

5. Respect the other

When we talk about boundaries, first of all we are talking about respect for ourselves and others. If someone does not respect you, you should talk seriously about how you feel. But anger, screaming, criticism will not work, you will only quarrel.

First of all, we need to explain what we experience and think when our boundaries are violated. Then ask why the other did something you didn’t like. There is always a different point of view, a different view of the problem.

There are other people’s boundaries that you can break too. Perhaps you promised your mom that you would call her yourself, but you didn’t. Then she had to dial your number herself during working hours, because she was worried. In that case, keep your word. Agree on rules and follow them. Don’t just demand compliance from others.

6. Take responsibility

You can offend another if you clearly say what exactly you do not like about his behavior. Remember this. Decide for yourself what is best for you – to endure his resentment, his anger and defend your boundaries, to say “no” to behavior that annoys you, or to endure, but to know that everything between you is normal, as before.

But when you make a decision, remember that you are only responsible for yourself. And if you are sure that you did not offend anyone, were tactful, kind and spoke with respect, then feel free to cast aside doubts. You should not tolerate unacceptable behavior just because you are afraid to offend or anger someone. You are not responsible for their feelings.

Defining boundaries does not mean pushing your loved one away or trying to control them. By stating clearly and clearly what we want or do not want, we protect our space, our beliefs, our opinions, views and, ultimately, self-respect.

The most amazing thing is that we not only improve our lives when we clearly set the boundaries for others: by doing this, we improve relationships with colleagues, friends, loved ones. After all, sometimes there is nothing worse than feeling that you are doing something wrong, but not understanding what it is.