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If your apartment is locked, your car is guarded by an alarm, and at the same time you yourself feel every day that your life does not belong to you and your personal space is constantly invaded, it’s time to protect yourself and establish healthy boundaries between you and others.
What does it look like? For example, you are talking on Skype with a friend at midnight, because it is more convenient for her. Or give a ride to a colleague who, as soon as he sits down, habitually lights up in your car.
On vacation with your husband, you are going to a place where it rains and pike is wonderfully caught. You don’t even realize that your boundaries are being crossed even when they are taunting you or joking about your size.
Some of us are reluctant to set clear boundaries because we think it can offend those around us.
Others set them up in such a way as to stake out part of someone else’s territory.
But remember that there is that part of your “I” that needs to be protected from any encroachment, something that belongs only to you. Your emotional health, what you believe in, what you won’t let outsiders touch.
What are these boundaries and why are they necessary? Most simply they are defined by the words “my business” – “your business”. By setting boundaries, we first of all decide for ourselves what behavior towards us will be reasonable and safe for us, will not destroy us as a person.
They are not created to force someone to do something. We set them for ourselves, and in this way we show that we are responsible for our own destiny, for what is permissible and what is unacceptable to do in relation to us. But for this you need to know exactly who we are and what our true “I” is.
We understand where we end and another begins. We are responsible for ourselves and only ourselves. This is where every healthy person starts.
It is almost impossible to manipulate a person who is clearly aware of his personal boundaries and has clearly marked them for others.
Determine if these boundaries are violated:
Physical boundaries
The very first, basic boundary for us is our skin. Important concepts that define your physical boundaries are physical space and personal space. Ask yourself the following questions to see if your boundaries are being violated by others.
Who is allowed and who is not allowed to touch you and how? What do you consider only your personal space that needs to be protected?
Do you have a place in your house where you can be alone?
Sexual boundaries
Determine your personal level when sexual activities and touching are comfortable for you. Only you determine what is acceptable and what is not, where, when and with whom. Stick to these boundaries and don’t be silent when they are violated.
material boundaries
What actions do you consider permissible and what – impermissible in relation to your property?
What can you give? Borrow?
How much money can you afford to lend? Do you allow strangers to use your car, clothes, apartment? It is only you who determines this, and for different people these boundaries can be very different.
Who enters your house? Who wouldn’t you like to see?
The same goes for your children’s friends: what rooms in your house are not open to guests?
Do guests take off their shoes? Do they eat and smoke in your car? All these are things that should be determined only by you as the owner of the house.
Emotional Boundaries
You are responsible for your feelings, but others are also responsible for their feelings. Don’t let anyone take it out on you or make comments about your weight, appearance, or age. And don’t do it yourself. Healthy emotional boundaries keep you from blaming or taking someone else’s accusations personally. And also feel guilty for someone’s decisions or problems and give unsolicited advice.
A border that no one knows about is not a border
If you are making excuses and arguing or being defensive, this is also an indicator of weak emotional boundaries. “I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m scared…” Are you able to respond to these feelings of yours immediately and calmly accept them? If you ignore them when they first appear, if you think you shouldn’t have these feelings at all, your body will turn up the volume until you hear them.
Spiritual boundaries
What is important to you in life? What do you believe? As in all the previous ones, these boundaries must be felt and realized when they are crossed.
Intelligent Borders
Your values, opinions, thoughts. They are only yours. And each individual decides what he wants to share with others, and what to leave unsaid. What do you believe? Can you listen with an open heart to those who express a different opinion, and at the same time without prejudice, without compromising your core beliefs?
There are two more things that belong only to you. These are your words and your time.
Remember: “no” is the most basic boundary and a complete, extended sentence.
Healthy boundaries are not:
- set for us by someone else;
- hurt us;
- are rigid and immovable;
- invade our personality.
10 Laws of Healthy Boundaries
1. All actions have consequences. If someone in your life showed violence, cruelty, selfishness towards you, did you set boundaries? Or does it all happen over and over again with no consequences for them?
2. The law of responsibility. We are responsible to each other, but not to each other. This means not encouraging or provoking anyone’s infantile behavior.
3. Power has limits. We have power over some things, but we do not have the power to change other people. We only have the power to change our own lives.
4. The law of respect. If we want others to respect our boundaries, we must respect theirs too.
5. Freedom of choice. We must be free to say “no” or say “yes” with a pure heart. You can’t love a person just because you feel sorry for him and he leaves you no other choice.
6. We need to evaluate how much pain setting our boundaries causes others.. Do our boundaries cause pain that will then lead to healing and growth? Or the pain that only hurts them?
7. Law proactivities. We take proactive steps to solve problems based on our values and desires. Proactive people defend their freedom and express disagreement, but without raising an emotional storm.
8. The law of envy. We will never get what we want if we set our boundaries based on what others have. An envious person simply does not see his boundaries based on the choices that he has.
9. Law of activity. Don’t wait for others to make the first move.
10. Communicate your boundaries. A border that no one knows about is not a border. We must make it very clear to the other what we want and what we do not want, what we will tolerate and what we will not. We must also make it clear that every violation of boundaries has consequences.