Separation: how to talk to your child about it?

First of all, you have to talk to two. He needs your two voices. Otherwise, he risks viewing the absentee as the troublemaker and resenting him. If he is very young, he may also believe that his other parent is already gone for good and that he will not see him again. No need to add to the program the anguish of abandonment. If the climate between you allows it, talk about it beforehand. Think together about the words you are going to use: this will prevent you from contradicting yourself or clinging to him. Your word is addressed to him alone: ​​do not let your personal grievances interfere with him. She should be as calm as possible.

Reassure him: it’s not his fault

The child occupies a central place in the family, so he is convinced that he has power over your relationship. In his eyes, if you separate, it is because he has not been wise enough or satisfactory enough to maintain the bond. It is between 4 and 6 years old that he feels the most guilty because he is going through the famous period of the Oedipus complex: he often dreams of ousting one of his parents to take his place and become the lover of the remaining parent. Is separation in a way the fulfillment of his secret desire? It’s up to you to tell him that he has nothing to do with these grown-up stories.

What anguishes her the most about your separation, it is the idea that it is possible to no longer love each other. He imagines the rest with logic: if, today, you separate from his father, tomorrow you might as well separate from him and no longer love him. To reassure him, you have to explain to him that between him and you, it is about something else, an unalterable love: ” We will always love you. The love of a father or a mother is neither more nor less strong than the love between two lovers, but it is different because it is made of another material: it resists everything, it lasts all. life. You do not divorce your children. »You are ready to do anything to comfort your child if he shows his distress. But don’t go so far as to let him think he can influence your decision. If he thinks he can change your mind, that gives him a role in the divorce. It’s not healthy for him. And if he fails to reunite you, he will feel all the more guilty about your separation.

Choose the right time and the right words

No need to tell him months in advance. The child lives in the present and can only envisage a very near future. If you anticipate too much, it doesn’t make sense to him anymore. Tell him about it two or three weeks before the actual separation. Avoid letting go of the song in the middle of a crisis, after a dispute. Choose a quiet time when you will have time to answer his questions and allay his fears. This is an important conversation, let him digest the news smoothly. Of course, there is no question of lying to him by telling him that dad is going on a trip: he is not fooled. But speaking the truth does not have to say everything. What you want him to hear, it is “we can no longer live together”. You can tell her that you don’t get along, or even love each other, if that’s the truth. But the underlying reasons for the couple’s failure do not concern him. Now, pthe more you tell him, the more you will put him in a position to take sides, to judge. It’s not his role, it’s very unsettling for him. He has the right to continue to love both parents as before, without ulterior motives.

Preserve the parental couple

Connected as a drip on your emotions, he has already perceived sadness, anger, worry and regret. No need to deny them if he questions you. But do not take advantage of it to make you complain. It is not for him to console you but for you to protect him. If the decision is one-sided, you can tell him who it came from: he will feel it anyway, through the sadness of one and the guilty look of the other. But choose your words: banish “daddy abandons us”, prefer “daddy has decided to go live in another apartment”. Do not push your future “ex”, you will hurt your child in the process. Even if you now only feel bitterness and resentment for your partner, you have loved each other and your child is the fruit of this love. It is very important for him: not to imagine any affection in the story of his birth, it is intolerable for a child. So, whatever it costs you, you have to remind her that at the beginning of her life, there was your love. It is also up to you to repeat to him that, whatever the future of your couple, you do not regret his birth. It seems obvious, but the child needs to hear it again. To grow, he needs to be able to lean on both of you. His life cannot be divided into slices. Explain to him that you will stay in touch for everything that concerns him, and that you will keep up to date, or at least that you will try: ” It is as husband and wife that we no longer get along, but we remain your parents and we will continue to get along to raise you. »