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While baby passed from arm to arm, smiling, and remained without problems at the nursery or at the nanny’s, things have changed a lot … Now he cries and cries as soon as you disappear, and shows his disagreement just by seeing the face of the maternal assistant… This turns her daily life upside down and that of her parents. Fortunately, we can help him overcome this stage, not easy of course, but essential for the development of any human being.
What is the fear of abandonment and until what age does it last?
Does separation anxiety affect all infants?
Separation anxiety is a normal stage in the child development, From the earliest age. It usually occurs around 9 months, according to scientific literature, and lasts up to about a year and a half. “It can manifest itself in practice from 1 months, and generally lasts up to about 6 years. But it is very variable from one child to another, explains Pauline Blocquel, a child psychologist. From 6 months, baby begins to understand that he is a whole person, different from his parents, which can already generate anxiety. “
Attachment Figures: When Baby Changes Behavior
Baby manages to differentiate the face of his “attachment figures”Around 9 months. It is about his parents, but also his nanny or the referents of the nursery, the brothers and sisters … in short, of all those whom he meets on a daily basis. Conversely, when faced with a new face, he may be fearful, even cry, whereas a few weeks earlier he was smiling everyone. He can also refuse to go into the arms of a person whom he saw the first weeks, but whom he did not see regularly afterwards.
The anxiety of separation is a crucial stage in the development of the child because it protects him from external risks. “It’s a good thing that baby no longer wants to hug or smile at everyone, it shows that he has well integrated his attachment figures,” says Pauline Blocquel.
The fear of abandonment
The fear of abandonment accompanies the anguish of separation. “Before he had acquired the concept of object permanence, baby will think he has been abandoned if he no longer has his parents in his line of sight. He will even think that he no longer exists. To help him overcome this anxiety of losing those who feed him, take care of him and reassure him on a daily basis, it is essential to play hide and seek with him, by using objects or by hiding oneself. “If you show baby a ball and hide it behind a pot, he will look for it everywhere, not understand why or how it has disappeared, and might start to cry. It is therefore all the more distressing for him when it comes to his parents. When he acquired the idea of object permanence, he will look for the ball behind the pot. He knows it still exists, even if he doesn’t see it. It’s the same with his parents: when he does not see them again, he will not panic and will know that they will come back. “
Why should we deal with this anxiety?
Separation anxiety is not pathological, but it must still be taken care of when it manifests itself systematically or with great intensity, and causes difficulties for the child to accept and manage the major stages of the process. life. These are necessary to become an adult, as well as the upheavals that can affect family life: the arrival of a new child, illness, the mother’s return to work, bereavement …
How does separation anxiety manifest itself?
All children experience this separation anxiety, but not all of them show it the same way. Here are the main modalities:
- Crying and screaming
- Restlessness and inability to concentrate on an activity
- Physical manifestations such as vomiting
- Afraid to take a bath
- Nightmares and night terrors
“Crying and screaming can occur when the child is no longer in visual contact with his parents, when he is left alone in a room or with people who are foreign to him,” notes Pauline Blocquel. The child can no longer concentrate on his game if mom leaves the room, for example, he fidgets and looks for her before bursting into tears. “In extreme cases, it’s physical manifestations like vomiting. “
The child may also be agitated even in the presence of his attachment figures, in new situations, when he arrives in a new place, in a store, the first time at school … And refuse to take a bath because he now perceives water as a foreign element.
A large number of behavioral disorders and psychological difficulties encountered by the child on a daily basis are also linked to separation anxiety: sleep disorders, relationship difficulties, permanent dissatisfaction, refusal of autonomy and backsliding in life. toilet training, bed-wetting… should put parents’ ears in mind.
For some, however, the anxiety of separation can pass unnoticed, which pushes back the awareness of its impact by parents. “It is not because we do not see it that this anxiety linked to separation does not exist,” emphasizes Pauline Blocquel.
How to calm anxiety in babies?
The anguish of separation can be transmitted by parents in spite of themselves, specifies Pauline Blocquel: “Sometimes the parent is also afraid of leaving his child, and prefers to leave without saying goodbye, which is a mistake because that can create a trauma from the first time in the child. Subsequently, he may have distressing reactions when the parents leave his field of vision. »It is essential to learn to calm one’s own fears. But what can we do not to worry about giving our baby to someone else?
No longer worry about yourself
You have to exonerate. To convince oneself that we leave him at the nursery, with a nanny or with his grandparents for good reasons: to resume his work, to meet with parents, to reconnect with life as a couple … It is never for the ‘to give up. ” It is essential play down the situation, because if each separation is difficult, it generates a heavy atmosphere which accentuates the anxiety of the child, and this also has repercussions upstream. The child will not want to get up in the morning for example. “
How to deal with separation anxiety from 6 to 18 months?
— Act the separation: “It’s important to say goodbye, even to a tiny baby. To accept the separation, not to hide it. Without goodbye, we create insecurity and a lack of confidence in the other, ”explains Pauline Blocquel.
– Time marks
You have to find the right words and tell him, even if he doesn’t speak yet. A baby interprets what he sees, what he hears. Explaining things to him is not in vain. Time marks are an essential tool, especially in new situations, like entry to nursery or school. Say for example: “I’ll come back to get you after the snack”, “after your night I’ll be there”, “You are going to play with your friends, eat, take a nap, and after the snack I come to pick you up at the nursery, and we’ll go home. These temporal landmarks will be better understood when the child is over 18 months old. But even before, he will understand that the separation is not final. We can also talk to him about the activities that we will do when we find him, such as preparing the meal or baking a cake, because this will show him that thewe project ourselves with him in the near future.
– Show him that we trust
If the child feels that one does not trust a childminder, a teacher, a member of his or her family, he will not have confidence either, and this will add to his distress when he comes to be separated from their parents.
– A time to adapt
When the child encounters a new situation, when he goes to his nanny for the first time for example, he needs time toadaptation in the presence of his parents. We can stay with him for a while. At the nursery, this period is formalized under the term “adaptation”: the parents come with him in the establishment, then leave him for one hour, then two, and so on. Up to a full day. In kindergarten, on the first day of the start of the school year, parents are invited to stay for ten minutes or more. Then it will be necessary to stay less and less long, the following days, to achieve complete reassurance to the child, gradually.
– Quick goodbyes
All childminders will say it: you shouldn’t drag yourself out for long when you say goodbye to your child. It is the same at bedtime, because theseparation anxiety is even stronger at night for toddlers. “The longer the ritual, the more the child understands that his parents also have trouble separating,” emphasizes Pauline Blocquel. It shouldn’t be too brief either, you should give him time to get used to the idea that he is going to be separated from mom or dad during the night. “
– Find the right words
What if the child has a tearful fit? “Tell him you understand him, that you know this is a tough time for him.” Phrases like “you’re sad, but I know you’re going to do a lot of beautiful things today, that you’re going to have a good time, and we’ll meet again tonight” help a lot. », Advises the psychologist. These words of support will judiciously replace the “Don’t cry” or “Stop making whims” that do not help the child.
– Reassuring gestures
“If the child sticks to you in the presence of strangers, do not hesitate to wheedle, take him in his arms, to reassure him. Which is a natural reflex for most parents.
– Transitional objects
It is in the context of separation that soft toys, pacifiers and other soft toys, which take up so much space in the daily life of the child, prove to be the most useful. “They do the lien between the known and the unknown, the house and the outside, ”explains Pauline Blocquel. These objects accompany the child like a friend. But not all children have a blanket. “In this case, I recommend leaving a scarf with the scent of mom, a t-shirt with the scent of dad, a familiar smell who will reassure them ”.
How to treat separation anxiety in children between 18 months and 3 years old?
In children who are beginning to express themselves and understand what they are being told, there are several methods that can be used to calm their anxiety and help them overcome it over time.
– See you in known land!
Going to visit places that are new to the child (nursery, nursery assistant housing, school, etc.) will help the child to adapt better on D-day. Just like taking the trip with him a few days before, so that ‘he does not find out everything at the last moment.
— Visual cues
Everyone can find tips to soften the moment of separation and show the child that he is not abandoned. For example, you can draw a heart on his arm telling him that he will only have to look at the heart during the day to know that mom is thinking of him. It is a technique that works well on children who have just entered kindergarten. Especially when they stay in the canteen, then in the evening nursery, because these are long days for them, even if they do not yet have the notion of the passing time. “We can do the same with a Photo, by leaving it in the child’s bag, who will look at it in case of need, ”advises Pauline Blocquel.
– The EFT method
This technique consists of reassuring yourself through physical contact with yourself. Applied to children, it helps to free themselves from negative emotions, fears and blockages, by touching specific points of the body. Parents can use this technique on the little ones, while children over 3 years old can apply it on themselves, after a little training with a coach. After a few sessions, the EFT method will decrease, then disappear, the anxiety related to separation.
– Accept the reactions of the child
“If your child ignores you or pushes you away when you go to get him, if he’s angry with you, there’s no need to worry or scold him. Just as he has had to adjust to the separation, he also needs some time to adjust when you re-enter his relationship. field of view. Wait for him to come on his own to tell what he did, or to project himself into the rest of the day with you. “
Separated parents, what to do?
If the period of separation anxiety arises while the parents are apart, there are a few techniques you can put in place to make your little one safer as much as possible:
- Maintain the same routine with both parents: mealtime, bath time, bedtime … Whether the childcare arrangement is the nursery or the nanny, we must also ensure that both have the same hours.
- Remember to always bring the transitional objects that reassure the child: pacifier, blanket, scarf or t-shirt impregnated with the smell for each parent …
- Leave a family photo or his attachment figure main, knowing that it can change depending on the period.
- Note in a calendar the weeks with dad and the weeks with mom, so that the child also has a visual cue. Perpetual calendars can be of great help.
When does the anguish of separation end?
Separation anxiety in adulthood
Adult, one can feel a great fear at the idea of being abandoned by the person to whom one is closest (parents, spouse…), without there being any real threat. Most of the time, it is the direct consequence of trauma experienced during childhood. This abandonment syndrome is accompanied by a permanent feeling of insecurity, psychological disorders (feeling of dependence, inability to create links with other people, lack of self-confidence, etc.) and physical manifestations (fatigue, headaches, dizziness , stomach aches, sleep disorders, etc.) This accumulation of symptoms makes this anxiety a daily handicap and makes romantic, family and friendly relationships very complicated.
How to overcome it? Work on your self-confidence
The child who plays near his parents when they are reading or cooking gradually gains self-confidence, because he knows that even if they are not fully available, his attachment figures are nearby. It helps him to become independent. In an adult too, the self-confidence can be learned. It’s never too late! A professional (psychologist, personal coach, psychotherapist …) can help him to know where this anxiety comes from, to express it, to reflect on it to find suitable solutions, and to free himself from the hold of the past.