When the couple separate, it is essential that the father and child maintain a rich and healthy relationship. Separation and paternity: focus on a situation that is not always easy to manage

When a couple separates or divorces, two scenarios are possible concerning the children. In some cases, they live alternately with both parents, at equal time. But most often, their residence is fixed with one of the parents. The other then has a right of visit and accommodation. This right generally represents two weekends per month and half of the holidays. In the vast majority of cases, apart from a physical disability or psychological, the judges award custody of the children to the mother. This preference results from a generalization which does not take into account either particular cases or societal progress in terms of the growing involvement of the father. As a result, men may tend to doubt their ability to take good care of their children.

When custody is assigned to the mother, some fathers do not dare to express their disagreement. However, this decision can be seen as an entry into a “half-hearted” paternity, too little anchored in everyday life. Gradually, these withdrawn dads can become more and more absent, by dint of not really finding their place in this schedule arranged to their disadvantage. This naturally has an unfavorable impact on the relationship between father and child.

Indeed, the latter rarely sees his father, does not always inform him on a daily basis of his notes or events in his life and turns above all to his mother for authorizations, advice or discussions. In this kind of case, the father no longer assumes the role he could have had within a united family, he finds himself a spectator of the development of his own children. In addition, the child must overcome the shock of the separation from his parents and he is more accompanied by his mother during this difficult period.

In these situations, fathers may then be tempted to relinquish their authority by more or less consciously withdrawing from their child’s life. Some see them so little that they prefer to spend moments of pleasure with them, without bearing the burden of education, rules and sanctions.

Many fathers suffer from the injustice of granting custody to the mother. This legal decision does not result from the fact that fathers do not wish to ask for custody. It often happens that their lawyers discourage them from expressing this request, because they know that it has little chance of being accepted by the judge. It is the law of statistics, insofar as the vast majority of custody goes to the mother.

In addition, fathers sometimes refuse to provoke a conflict over child custody, especially in an already difficult context of separation. They prefer to accept the situation straight away, and to show a positive attitude in order to try to preserve the child. Legal opposition to his ex-partner for custody is a long process that some fathers do not dare to face.

Indeed, if steps must be taken, such as mediation sessions for example, this disrupts the daily life even more and in fact delays the establishment of a new rhythm for the child. In these circumstances, some fathers fear that this latency will keep them away from their child and also decide not to fight to the end.

The separation of a couple is sometimes experienced as a tragedy: as a parent, it is essential to be responsible and to preserve as much as possible the well-being of the child. Ideally, both parents are a team, whether custody is shared or not. Although it may be difficult at first, the mother, when she has custody, must make an effort to keep the father present. As for dads, for example, they can establish rituals with their children, so that the fact of no longer sharing the daily life is compensated by very identifiable activities, such as sports holidays, specific leisure activities, etc.

Separation is always a tough time in a family. Both parents must then work to find a softened rhythm, in a new configuration. The father obviously has a big role to play in this balance. Even in the event of non-alternating custody, it is essential to strengthen the bonds between the child and the father.