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Separated parents: making a truce for Christmas?
Celebrating Christmas together, a “false good idea”
Getting together, sharing a friendly moment with his darlings… this could appeal to some separated couples when the agreement is in good shape. However, according to Jacques Biolley, it is “a false good idea”. “Even if it starts with a good intention, it does not necessarily mean giving a gift to the children, the symbolic beacon of Christmas being the united family. As he explains, the little ones did not choose the separation of parents. They have to do a whole job of acceptance, long and difficult. Celebrating Christmas together can therefore disconcert and disturb them. But above all, it would give strength to the fantasy of reconciliation of the parents who live in all the children. In doing so, adults risk “pretending” to be together. A difficult situation for toddlers to manage. For the well-being of the little ones, the main thing is above all to get organized upstream. From the end of November or the beginning of December, do not hesitate to tell them how the holidays will be. “It is important to be in agreement and to fix things before to avoid putting the children in doubt”. In addition, if the father and mother do not live too far from each other, they can plan to pick up the children, one on December 24 and the other on December 25, both dates being linked to Christmas. .
Christmas at daddy or at mom’s house: can the child choose?
Arranging, changing weekends, it can be common among separated parents who get along well or do not have a fixed legal timetable to follow. And when they have kept a real good relationship, some do not rule out asking their child where they prefer to celebrate Christmas. According to Jacques Biolley, this kind of decision does not belong to toddlers. “Again, even if it starts from a good feeling, adults cannot delegate this kind of responsibility, it is counterproductive. The child thinks about the well-being of his parents, and is concerned about their fate. How can he risk hurting one of them? In addition, the fact that things are well framed by adults reassures children. Moreover, he insists, “when the parents separate, they no longer form a conjugal couple but a parental duo. In short, even if they are no longer together, they form a team, and must act and make choices for the good of the child ”.
Separated parents: continue to give gifts together?
Often, before the separation, gifts for children are given by both parents. A unity that disappears after divorce, which is inevitable and must be assumed by everyone. “Even if the parents get along well, it is important that the gifts come from the universe of the father and the mother. For expensive items, they can of course work together, in particular to avoid offering the same thing, or to ask for a financial contribution from the other. And then the dialogue reassures and secures the child, ”explains Jacques Biolley. Finally, if your toddler receives more gifts than in previous years, it’s completely normal. But still be careful not to fall into the overbearing of toys.