It would seem that this is obvious: parting by SMS means not respecting either yourself or your partner. Why, after all, do many choose this infantile way of ending a relationship?
The era of fast relationships dictates its own rules. Why waste time on lengthy explanations when parting by SMS can be easy and fast, and most importantly, convenient? But this simplification is imaginary, and it is based on the illusion of relationships, says psychotherapist Kristina Shchurova.
Recently, the Breakup text app for iPhone has entered the virtual market, offering you ready-made templates to make your task even easier. Whether you break up with a guy or a girl, for what reason (there is even an option “I was kidnapped by the Russians”), whether you want to remain friends – the smart program will take into account everything. Moreover, it will “sweeten the pill” for you and your addressee by framing your confession in a stylish and modern manner. It turns out that once there is a supply, then there is a demand. But what makes people trust such an important task to electronic intermediaries? Why do we think it’s better for both of us?
Read more:
- The science of parting
Letter to myself
“A farewell letter is a very common motif in romantic relationships. Usually it plays the role of a diary, explains Kristina Shchurova. – When we write about our feelings, we do it primarily for ourselves. It is important for us to understand our own experiences, and how the addressee understands this is another matter. In the case when a person decided to leave by SMS, everything is about the same. He needs to think it over in his head, to state it concisely. Behind this, there is also internal work, some serious changes. But to another person your thoughts, all these efforts can be absolutely incomprehensible: “Why, what happened, because everything was so good?” You can often hear this explanation – “I do not want to hurt him / her.” We don’t really want to hurt ourselves. This is self-justification, behind which lies an unwillingness to experience guilt. In parting, both are most often to blame, but the one who decided to take a step suffers from guilt more. He’s the one who’s going to hurt someone else.”
Good bad evil
“Despite the seeming desire to end everything quickly, the story, as a rule, does not end with one letter,” the psychotherapist continues. – Remember, in the film “What Men Talk About” (dir. Dm. Dyachenko, 2010), one of the characters says that six months after the breakup, he received an SMS from his ex-lover: “With the first snow!” There is a correspondence, where angry letters are replaced by ardent confessions and vice versa. This is due to the action of a protective mechanism called “idealization-devaluation”. We see a person in black colors, then in white. Either we present him as a beautiful and infallible angel, then we endow him with truly devilish features, we blame him for all troubles. All this speaks of such character traits as immaturity, infantilism. When we break up with a real person, we realize why we are doing this and can move on. But when an idealization of a partner arises, attributing some qualities to him, we are drawn into a cycle of experiences that have little to do with the real state of affairs. Charm always gives way to disappointment. After all, the other does not always behave the way we would like. But there is pleasure in the constant experience of disappointment. Constantly returning to the same person, we go through a meeting with a lost illusion. Therefore, it is often not possible to really part by SMS.
Read more:
- Why Men Can’t Break Up
Legacy of the Knights
“Now it’s hard to believe, but romantic love didn’t always exist,” says Kristina Shchurova. – It originated in the days of Christianity, when the order of the Templars arose. This idea itself arose from the religious worship of the Templars of the mother of Christ – the Mother of God. Subsequently, the official church condemned this practice as heretical, and the cult of the Virgin Mary was transformed into the cult of the Beautiful Lady. The unwritten code of honor of a knight obliged him to have a deep, but secret feeling for some Lady. At the same time, the lady was unavailable (most often due to marriage), but she was needed rather as an ideal, in the name of which feats are performed. This thirst for an ideal image is very firmly rooted in the mass consciousness, has become the standard of romantic love. Moreover, the details of real life, some earthly features of the beloved most threaten this image, can destroy it. When we are in love, we see a princess in front of us. And if it turns out that she is not beautiful, she immediately turns into a witch. Can we forgive the Beautiful Lady dancing on the tables? The desire to part is important to speak. Through talking about feelings, we establish contact with a real person. It happens that only after parting do people develop real relationships.