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The virus is forcing us to isolate. But a person needs communication with others, and therefore it is very important to distinguish between physical and social distancing. Psychotherapist Joe Court insists on the importance of strengthening ties with others during the quarantine period and gives advice on social “survival” during a difficult period.
We live in scary times, that’s a fact. Few have ever experienced something like this. Our world has changed overnight. Today we have to spend a lot of time at home. We are called for self-isolation and observance of the quarantine regime. How can choosing the right terminology help us get through this crisis?
Psychotherapist Joe Kort suggests using the term «physical distancing» instead of «social distancing», emphasizing the importance of maintaining contact with other people. “We need to maintain social ties,” he said. “Community building, communication and emotional connection through electronic devices is essential for our mental health.”
Luckily, we can keep in touch with each other using our phone, webcam, and many other online formats. It’s time to be social, not isolate yourself from people. We are designed to be social beings, and technology helps us stay that way.
We may be stuck at home, but we have many ways to reach out and connect with others.
In his years of psychotherapy practice, Kort has repeatedly observed how people react to the unexpected need to spend more time with their spouses, partners, children, and other relatives. Some are fine with this sudden intimacy, while others experience increased stress. The unresolved problems of the past in such a situation are exacerbated, and our worst sides are manifested brighter.
Long periods of time spent alone can make people feel anxious or depressed. According to the psychotherapist, he himself experienced something similar and calmed himself by applying the practices of concentration and grounding recommended by him.
Kort suggests thinking of the current period as not a time of «social distancing» as it is called in the media, but rather as «physical distancing». We may be stuck at home, but we have so many ways to reach out and connect with others that it helps to reconnect with the world. Joe Court highlights important points to consider in a situation of isolation.
Control Aggression
One of our primary responses to fear is aggression. And, alas, more and more. When showing aggression in a conversation with someone, it is important to remember this and slow yourself down. You can take a deep breath or go to another room, look in the mirror, count to 10 or look out the window, get some fresh air. And having pacified your reactions, return to the conversation.
“Practice the kind of tolerance that loving parents show with their children. Remember that your partner is doing everything possible under these circumstances.
Communicate Consciously
Now we need to communicate especially correctly with others. The inability to establish normal contact with loved ones is the main reason why people turn to a therapist. They take other people’s words to heart, distort what others say, interrupt and stop listening to each other. Now is a great time to consciously communicate with loved ones and friends.
To facilitate communication, Joe Kort suggests using “I” constructions in a conversation: “I hear what you say …”, “When you say / do this, I feel …”, “It affects me like this …”.
When listening to another, it is important to repeat what we hear to make sure we understand it correctly: “I take it you mean…”. You can literally repeat the words of the interlocutor and explain that in this way we are trying to understand him correctly. You can ask clarifying questions and ask if we understood correctly. These skills are very important, especially when we react very emotionally.
Learn to calm down
Today you can find a variety of tools in order to calm yourself. There are apps for smartphones and tablets offering voice meditations, nature sounds or specially selected music. Some of them focus on heart rate variability.
The fact is that in a state of stress, our pulse becomes uneven, irregular. These applications help to control the heart rate and bring it to the so-called «consistency», which becomes smooth and even.
Practice gratitude
Hypnotherapist Ezzat Moghazi states that it is impossible to hold opposing thoughts or feelings in the mind at the same time. Therefore, if we are in a relaxed state and feel grateful for the many wonderful things, events and people in our lives, fear and stress simply disappear.
The same thing happens if we remember a bright moment in life when we felt very good, we felt supported and were happy.
This practice helps strengthen neural connections in the brain that, with repeated practice, can help drive away feelings of fear, stress, and anxiety. “Remember and be grateful for what you have: a roof over your head, electricity, internet, television, books to read, and friends and family you can turn to. In truth, we are quite spoiled and not used to putting off gratification. Let’s devote the near future to learning how to control our impulsiveness.
Create a space of safe intimacy
Time spent at home can give a couple the opportunity to make new discoveries. You can talk about fantasies and desires and, with mutual agreement, try something new. For those who do not have a permanent partner, Kort calls for the time being to refrain from such close contacts, which may turn out to be unsafe in all respects.
Hold your boundaries
Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings is not a good reason to allow our boundaries to be violated, especially now. If someone invades our personal space, it is important to indicate that we are not happy with this. You don’t have to be polite to your detriment, Cort says. If something is not right, you need to speak up.
Convey to loved ones the seriousness of what is happening
We all need to take this situation seriously. Despite the children’s complaints, they should not be allowed to go out and walk with others — let them communicate with friends by phone or via the Internet. It must be explained that they or their buddies may be carriers of the coronavirus, and even if the disease is asymptomatic, the young should think about the elderly or people with a weakened immune system who can get sick as a result of someone’s frivolity.
Perhaps there are neighbors or friends around who need help — for example, to bring groceries or medicines from the pharmacy, taking precautions. The support of others helps to cope with difficult emotions yourself.
Keep a positive attitude
“Focus on the good and look for inspiring stories in your environment. Everyone knows that the body reflects our mental state, and fear and anxiety significantly damage the immune system. Don’t let them rule you!»
There is no need to be quick to judge others for what they are doing regarding safety. Many people are at various stages of denial about the problem. Of course, it is very important to explain to them that their behavior may put themselves, us or others at risk, but do not assume that they are selfish and deliberately thoughtless. People need to go through all the stages of doubt.
Feeling connected to others is a powerful social support that empowers us.
While many are sitting at home in self-isolation, someone is providing support for vital activities — doctors, employees of shops and pharmacies, postal and utility workers, police officers, firefighters, cleaners, agricultural workers. “These people are heroes. If possible, let them know how much you appreciate their work,” Kort advises.
Against the backdrop of general stress, sometimes you need to make an effort and carefully monitor yourself in order to maintain a friendly atmosphere in the house and treat others with kindness. But it is the feeling of being connected to other people that is a powerful social support that gives us the strength to survive times of crisis.
About the Expert: Joe Kort is a psychotherapist.