senior, middle, junior

“I always wonder why a husband and his younger brother are so different,” admits 30-year-old Ksenia. — Andrei is a responsible, organized person, and his brother is a merry fellow and a lazy person. By all standards, the older one is more successful than the younger one: he studied better, works in a more prestigious company. But his brother has many more friends, and it seems to me that for all his disorganization, he lives a happier life.

The older ones are conservatives and perfectionists, the younger ones are daring daredevils and creative natures, states the American historian of science Frank Sulloway in his book Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics and Creative Lives. Pantheon Books, 1996. He studied the biographies of seven thousand historical and scientific figures who radically influenced the atmosphere of their era, and found that among the younger (not the first-born) there were 18 times more revolutionaries (as well as scientists who “turned the world”) than among the older ones.

Australian psychologist Walter Toumen, having studied thousands of modern families, saw that behavior patterns are largely determined by the «serial number» of the child in the family, as he wrote in the book «Family Constellation». Springer Publishing Company, 1993).

“Many of those who occupy similar positions in families really have similar psychological characteristics,” says family psychotherapist Alexander Chernikov. — So, during consultations, clients often say about themselves: “I always have a hard time, because I take everything too seriously (uncertainly, easily), because I was the eldest (middle, junior).”

The formation of individual differences is influenced not only by the place of the child among brothers and sisters. “An important factor is the style of parenting with children. With the advent of each next child, their reactions and behavior change,” Alexander Chernikov explains. “The situation in the family is changing, the financial situation is changing, the same woman at 20 and at 35 has different life experiences.”

Who better to be, older, younger, middle? There is no single answer: each position has its pros and cons.

Senior: a lot of attention, a lot of expectations

“He was the first to appear in the family and remains the only one for some time,” says child psychologist Elena Morozova. — As a rule, they devote a lot of time to him, they do a lot of work with him. But he also gets the anxieties and insecurities of young parents. It is thanks to him that a man and a woman become father and mother, together with him they live anew the legacy that they carried from their childhood and which, perhaps, they did not fully understand.

“Before the birth of the first child,” Elena Morozova explains, “we have no other experience of upbringing, except for how we ourselves were brought up. Therefore, with the first child, we either repeat the parental parenting style, or try to do everything the other way around. Abandoning a habitual style is no better than blindly following it: it also demonstrates our dependence on our parents. Figuratively speaking, the firstborn turns out to be a blotting paper, which is first applied to the blot and which absorbs the most ink.

While he is alone with his parents, he is always at the forefront — the attention of adults is focused only on him. Such a position may be perceived as privileged, but as soon as his behavior ceases to suit his parents, a conflict arises, and adults are often ready to defend their position to the bitter end. After all, there are no next children who will claim their attention. And, of course, sooner or later the elder is faced with a test, which inevitably becomes the birth of a brother or sister for him.

Junior: favorite, competitor

The youngest in the family deals with experienced parents who are less anxious than after the birth of their first child. He is more likely to become a pet, and often parents tend to unknowingly delay his growing up, leaving him «their baby.» The last child does not have a rival who replaces him, thanks to whom he would feel the need to grow up quickly, to learn something — he has nowhere to hurry.

“The younger ones are characterized by carelessness, optimism and a willingness to accept someone else’s patronage,” says Alexander Chernikov. “They may have problems with self-discipline, it can be difficult for them to make decisions on their own.” Being a pet is not so profitable: in order to continue to be liked, he obeys the wishes of his parents. But in this way he opposes himself even more to his older brothers and sisters, who, of course, are jealous.

“Not all manifestations of jealousy are obvious to parents. So, if the elders play with the baby, as with a doll, parents usually approve of their behavior. But in fact, the elders neutralize a potential competitor in this way, preventing him from growing: they are always ready to help the baby get dressed or feed him, although he already knows how to do it himself, ”explains Elena Morozova.

“He knows that you won’t achieve anything by force in a relationship,” Alexander Chernikov continues. “Therefore, he often develops workarounds to achieve his goals.” The younger ones become real masters of communication, “after all, they have to live in the company of older people and learn to build relationships with them,” says Elena Morozova. — The family is the first social institution that a child encounters, and the elder goes through it, communicating only with adults, the second builds relationships with a rival partner. And the youngest gets even more partners, his experience is richer and more diverse.

But at the same time, the school of life of the younger one is more severe: parents will always meet the child halfway, and the older brother or sister will not be so condescending, so the younger one has experience of fighting (most often behind the scenes) for his place in the family.

Medium: find your niche

Neither senior nor junior — he is looking for his place. Being the youngest and (not quite) enjoying parental attention, he often loses his privileged position too early. But being average sometimes turns out to be easier: “Due to the absence of excessive parental pressure (inflated parental expectations, like the older one, and hyper-custody, like the younger one), the average child lives his own life, the one that he himself needs,” explains Elena Morozova.

The middle ones are often calmer, more serene… and make peace between the older and the younger. “The intermediate position of middle children,” continues Alexander Chernikov, “stimulates the development of their social skills. As adults, many of them are good at negotiating and getting along with different people.”

Why do we believe it

The analogy used by the American sociologist Dalton Conley is curious: “The order of birth means about the same as the sign of the zodiac, which means absolutely nothing. As in astrology, seeing a coincidence, we say: “Well, of course, he’s a Taurus!”, Here we’ll say: “Of course, he’s the firstborn — an aggressive bore who wants to control everyone!” And in those cases where reality does not fit into the scheme, we do not even notice it.

Birth order is a significant, but not the only factor that affects our individual characteristics. “It can contribute to the manifestation of some character traits, but many other things play an equally important role,” Elena Morozova concludes. — This is the atmosphere in the family, and its economic situation, and the distribution of functions between mother and father, and external influences. Data on the order of birth should be taken into account, but they cannot be considered the only truth, and even more so the verdict of fate.

«Family script can be changed»

Psychologies: How important is birth order to personality formation?

Marina Egorova: It cannot be argued that the difficulties of someone’s adult life can automatically follow only from the number of births of a child. However, the order of birth can affect, say, the development of intelligence. Modern research shows that intelligence is generally lower in middle and younger children—although it is important to consider that it is often measured on academic achievement tests, and this is not the only criterion for assessing intellectual abilities.

Research also shows that the greater the age difference, the less the rule of a lower level of intelligence in each subsequent child. On the contrary, younger children are in a better position because older children stimulate them intellectually.

Does birth order only affect intelligence?

Not only. American developmental psychologists Jerome Kagan and Jay Steven Resnick have studied the phenomenon of lethargy in children, which manifests itself as a fear of strangers and fear of unusual toys. It was found that this effect is more often observed in those who have an older brother or sister. The fact is that in the family they are constantly in contact with someone whose actions cannot be predicted: it would be strange to expect mother to scare her, but a three-year-old brother or sister is quite capable of doing this. And the younger child may have a feeling that the world is unpredictable, and a desire to hide from it.

Doesn’t this mean that it’s easier for those who grow up alone?

Parents should take these data into account, but at the same time understand that any choice of life path is also a choice of risks. One child means certain features of upbringing, in a family where he is the only one, they worry about him more than in a large family … Five children are other risks, but they are not fatal, just knowing about them, parents can prevent difficult situations.

As we grow up, can we change what is imbibed in the family of origin?

We get two things from the family: the environment and the genotype. We cannot change the genotype. The scenario set by the family environment is not easy to change, but it is possible. In this sense, love plays a big role: it is the very experience of special contact with another person, thanks to which you can help yourself change. Another way is psychotherapy: it is based on the idea that, whatever the previous experience, we always have the opportunity to change indefinitely.