Seminar by Alexander Knyazev in Penza How to raise a happy child

Each time period dictates its own conditions. Children react to changes more subtly, sensitively, I would even say, more correctly and accurately than adults. They do not yet have borrowed templates, stereotypes of how to do it right … We, adults, are already lagging behind, to a certain extent we are from the past, although, of course, we are more experienced and wise. With our wisdom, we need to understand that you cannot sew clothes according to the patterns of 15 years ago, you cannot bring up a modern child according to the patterns that were common ten to fifteen years ago. The society is developing dynamically and makes an extensive fan of new requirements for the younger generation. We need to learn to subtly feel the changes, to keep pace with the times, both in our own development and in raising children. Otherwise, a conflict is inevitable: between us, parents, and our children, between our children and the new conditions of adaptation or challenges of the time, for which we could not prepare them.

I can answer this question not only as a psychologist, teacher, but also as a father of two children. It so happened that we, the parents, were involved in a dynamic, complex professional activity that took up almost all the time. It was both a service and a necessity. We could not devote enough time to children, and grandparents were not around, we were far from our parents, who could insure us in raising children. Sometimes we heard from the sidelines: “Let the children go … Children should be given more time!” Yes, we understood, but there was nothing we could do. We talked a little, in the evenings, on rare weekends. But they understood one thing … Children need to show by their example how to relate to business, to people, to themselves. And the time that we had for children should be spent fun and productive in order to be friends with children. And more … Our children, when we were busy, had to grow up early, especially the eldest son. In the future, he coped with the education of his youngest daughter, no worse than we did. Our children became our partners early. We tried to maintain in them the desire to be partners for us in everything. Now my children are successful adults. I’m proud of them. I support the position of parenting experts who believe that it’s not about the amount of time you spend with your child, it’s about how you spend that time. Do not lose yourself, do not sacrifice your professional development, personal growth for the sake of the child! Better show him how you can work, how you develop, how you relate to life, to people. Help him get involved in interesting things so that he too is busy and interested in something.

This is a very controversial expression, since, on the one hand, it is associated with a specific historical experience, on the other hand, with the culture of a certain people. I strongly doubt that your child-slave will become your friend in the future, especially since because of you he has once lost both the kingdom and the throne. I have already said that upbringing has a concrete historical character and everything changes in the world. Parenting is changing too. Approaches to it are also changing. Somewhere, perhaps, the grounds for the above-stated concept of upbringing have survived, but certainly not in Russia or Europe. It still seems to me that we are more Europeans … If today you do not see in a child the outlines of what you want to receive as a result of upbringing, if you are not busy forming a child’s breadth of interests, if you do not believe in your child, then, of course, he is can become a slave and it will be difficult to make a friend out of him. You need to understand a simple truth – what we put into the child before school, he will broadcast, develop with your help. Correcting, re-educating is an extremely difficult, thankless and ineffective business.

For information on how to start a conversation with children about gender issues and how much time a child can spend at the computer, read on the next page.

I would risk provoking a contradictory reaction in connection with the beliefs of different people. Nevertheless, I believe that, firstly, parents need to think not about the number of children, but about the desire and ability to make them people, to create conditions for the development of people. Yes, once they gave birth to 8 and 9 children, but only 4–5 survived, and the question of upbringing was generally the last one. Survive … Feed … Raise to your feet! Today, the question of education is the first! Whom will we bring up? For what? Can our child be happy in our world? Will we be able to realize ourselves by educating him? How to do it? Perhaps this explains the decline in fertility in countries where people are beginning to think about more than feeding. A large family is a very big responsibility for every child. Many parents say, “We have money in our family and we want many children.” Yes, of course, honor and praise to those who were able to provide, raise, develop several children without losing themselves. I have already said that we have a great tool for education – our intellect and a model for children – our life and success.

The fewer forbidden topics in the family for talking with children, the easier it is. The human body is not ugly, it is beautiful. And this was illustrated by artists, sculptors at all times. Works of art are where you can start a story about a person, sex characteristics and roles. No need to hide, avoid talking. It is better for you to tell him something yourself at an exhibition, in a museum, at home after watching an educational film, than someone else, for example, a “more advanced” peer, will tell him about it. How was I born? What does it mean to be born? Children get to know themselves and the world around them – this is normal! Think about how to help them with this. We, adults, ourselves do not yet know much about a person. Rather, we know almost nothing! This is the great mystery of nature – man! And there is no answer to it yet.

We live in a modern world, the Internet and electronic technologies are developing rapidly. It can be assumed that no one will stop the scientific and technological revolution. We must be ready for this ourselves and, of course, prepare children for this. What are parents most afraid of? That their child will sit down at the computer and be drawn into the world wide web or the world of computer games. That he may have health problems – vision will decrease, overweight will appear from an immobile lifestyle. Yes, we have objective grounds for such experiences … However, instead of organizing a revolution in a separate house with the Internet disconnected, the wires being removed from the computer, and so on, ask yourself the question, why does the child leave you in the network, in the game? Because he could not find anything more interesting in life, could not find, no one helped to find. And the Internet, in turn, created everything: you can be anyone there, do whatever you want, play, communicate. But nothing can replace live communication. After all, spending a weekend with dad and mom in preschool childhood is much more interesting than sitting at a computer. Of course, it is difficult for us to compete with electronic gadgets and the World Wide Web, but this can be done if you make an effort and show your imagination. We cannot isolate the child, but we can offer him the right to choose – live communication or virtual. And his choice will depend on what and how you offer him. It is also very important to teach the child to be friends, to communicate with interesting people in circles, sections, studios. Don’t lose your kids! Make it so that you spend your weekends together for entertaining conversations and entertainment, on interesting trips, and let your child spend weekdays with friends. It will not be possible to completely protect the child from gadgets, but you can minimize the time spent at the tablet or computer, or make it useful. For example, write e-mails to a child, send him photographs, paintings by e-mail. Discuss with him, communicate using the Internet. This is also a way of interaction and education, if you keep up with the times and the child.

So what kind of child can be called “happy”? Continued on next page

Based on many years of work experience, I can say that if a child trusts his parents, he will go to a meeting with a psychologist without any questions. A conflict and a problem arises when a barrier of misunderstanding and mistrust has arisen between parents and children. And you cannot force the child. If the child refuses to your proposal to contact a psychologist, then you can entrust him to independently choose a specialist in photo, video, on the same Internet. And then there is a universal channel of access to a child – career guidance, choice of a future profession, determination of one’s abilities and predisposition. Every child is talented in something. You can help him understand where he is personally talented.

I believe that a happy child is one who feels like a full-fledged partner in the family, tried to do a lot, looked for and found something that interests him and does better than others. A happy child is an intelligent child with a developed intellect. A happy child is a child capable of healthy competition, combined with respect for people.

I was a happy child because my parents allowed me to do a lot, sometimes even to the detriment of my studies at school. For this I am very grateful to them! As a child, I was engaged in a service dog breeding club and raised two German shepherds to the border, studied at the photo studio of the House of Pioneers and, according to the results of the exhibition, took second place in the Nizhny Novgorod region among the works of youth photo studios, for which I was awarded a ticket to Jurmala. In the 8th grade I went to the flying club because I wanted to become a pilot. My mother loved to sing, so she enrolled me in a music school. However, when I realized that it was necessary to study there, as in school, and they were severely asked for the lessons, I gave up this business. Mom continued to sing while embroidering and endured my cries. Nothing was wasted. I sometimes play the button accordion and sing with friends, I am fond of photography and always carry a camera with me, I bring up a dog – a dwarf spitz with a terrible character. I have an interesting job and an exciting life. I had and, I hope, will still be, many good teachers who helped me find what was given easily and led to success. They knew how to interest and support me in this. My gratitude to my teachers, who were and will be in my life, is immeasurable!

If you have any questions for Alexander Knyazev, you can send them to the email address: ndulatova@tele7.info until October 19. The author of the most interesting question will be invited to the seminar “How to raise a happy child?” Dzerzhinsky on October 24 at 16:00.