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We are accustomed to live by the principle of “every man for himself.” Although we condemn selfishness, admiring those who are able to show solidarity, sympathy, and come to the rescue… And yet, in small doses, selfishness is useful: it allows us to better recognize ourselves, our desires and capabilities.
“I really don’t like the question “Can you do me a favor?”. I instantly tense up, because I clearly understand: now they will ask me for money, sympathy, so that I switch from my own to someone else’s project, work on Saturday … I don’t understand why I should spend my life resources on someone else? – 37-year-old Olga is perplexed.
Like most egotists, Olga is not ready to admit that she is one of them. Egoists are others, those who constantly violate her plans, claim her attention, her time, because the main thing for them is their own interest.
A selfish person really cares little about relationships with others, he rarely falls in love and does not know how to make friends. “He is interested only in himself, wants everything only for himself, feels satisfaction not when he gives, but when he takes,” wrote the psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm in The Art of Loving. “This person lacks interest in other people’s needs and respect for their dignity and integrity.”
And Kozma Prutkov believed that “an egoist is like someone who has been sitting in a well for a long time.” After all, he, who rejects the importance of other people’s experiences, is sure that his condition, his problems are the most serious in the world. He withdraws into himself, and this is a clear risk of sinking into depression.
On the other hand, if there were no share of egoism in almost each of us, we would completely dissolve in others, knowing nothing about ourselves, not understanding ourselves and having no resources for self-development.
Selfishness is a matter of culture and historical context
“Having devoted half my life to exploration, I traveled a lot around the country,” says 45-year-old Evgeny. – And I can state that in the northern regions of Russia, for example, on the White Sea or in Vologda, people are the most open and hospitable. And in the areas south of Moscow, especially in the Chernozem region, you need to live life in order to become one of your own and so that the locals behave at least partly cordially towards you.
According to existential psychologist Svetlana Krivtsova, “those of us who live in the harsh conditions of the Far North or the equatorial south are as close as possible to natural disasters and are more at risk of getting sick, dying unexpectedly or losing loved ones. That is why the simplest things are so valued here: good weather, successful hunting, sincere conversation or the arrival of guests … And they are ready to share everything that life has bestowed, that is, to behave not selfishly.
High self-esteem and self-respect allow us to treat other people well as well.
The attitude to this character trait is also connected with the historical context. In ancient times, it never occurred to anyone to accuse another of selfishness: civilization was so young that attention to oneself (self-knowledge) was equated with knowledge of the world and, of course, was approved. With the establishment of Christianity, selfishness became a condemned trait. After all, the Christian ideal of personality – the Savior – was an altruist: he accepted suffering and death for the sake of saving mankind.
However, during the Renaissance and the Enlightenment, when the value of the individual was recognized, attention to one’s own aspirations and needs again turned out to be quite legitimate. This came in very handy in the XNUMXth century, when capitalism began to develop rapidly in Europe: there was a feeling that without selfishness it was impossible to build a new society – a society of total competition and individual benefit.
Also in modern Russia, personal gain has moved from the category of condemned to the number of approved values. And such an ambivalent attitude towards egoism confuses us a little. “The incompatibility of two principles (“observe your own benefit” and “selfishness is bad”), preached within the same culture, gives rise to a deep personal conflict,” says philosopher Irina Rudzit.
Nobody is born an altruist
In the early years of life, we are all little daffodils. It doesn’t matter if we were born in a collectivist society, where selfishness is less common, or in an individualist society, which celebrates the uniqueness of each person. The thoughts and feelings of the child are aimed at satisfying his desires. Other people are of interest to him depending on whether they are useful for his “I”.
“Such egocentrism is a natural period of development,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. – Thanks to him, self-respect is formed. And only by the age of 6-7 do we need trusting, reliable relationships with other people. Among 6-year-old children, those for whom egoism is no longer a method of self-knowledge, but a form of life, become noticeable. They do not share with anyone, they are not too interested in the opinions of other children, they impose their own rules of the game. These are children whose parents poorly orientated themselves in reality, did not explain that we cannot exist without other people and must take into account their interests.
“Parents should not reproach their child for being selfish,” advises Svetlana Krivtsova. “It’s better to tell him: “The way you behave is not entirely reasonable. If today you took all the best toys for yourself, then tomorrow your friends will play without you, and you will be left alone. If adults do not enter into a dialogue with the child, but imperiously demand compliance with the norms of behavior, then later, with any demand or request, he will feel like an object of aggression and will begin to defend himself … with the help of selfishness. Otherwise, he will not be able to keep faith in himself.
The art of negotiating
“I have a very cool attitude towards the work of The Black Sabbath,” admits 28-year-old Oksana. – But my friend Igor is a metalhead, and as soon as it became known that Ozzy Osbourne and his team would perform in Moscow, I told Igor that I was ready to keep him company if he got tickets. I went to meet him, because I know how important it is for him. But other times, like when I’m tired and there’s hard rock in the car, I can firmly say no. Taking into account the needs and desires of other people, we coordinate them with our own, constantly making compromises.
“The art of living is the art of negotiating: with partners, with relatives, with colleagues,” Svetlana Krivtsova is sure. “If we accept the wishes of another person, it allows us to stipulate our own.”
But the problem is that there is no predetermined measure of acceptable selfishness. Is it really necessary to visit my aunt in the country on the weekend, if at the end of the working week I was completely exhausted? Should I spend my vacation in Kamchatka, although I would prefer Europe if my partner is a lover of geysers and extreme tourism? Should I lend to unemployed friends who are unlikely to repay the debt? Every time we have to find a balance between a sense of duty, self-interest, protection of personal space and the desire to do well.
Selfishness, narcissism, individualism – what’s the difference?
Selfishness – selfishness, exaggerated attention to one’s “I”, one’s needs and interests; behavior for self-interest. An egoist does not tend to take into account the interests and needs of other people. The opposite of selfishness is altruism. Egocentrism is the idea of oneself as the center of the universe, self-centeredness, the inability to look at oneself from the outside and take the position of another person.
Narcissism – an obsessive passionate love for one’s image, which tends to turn into narcissism. By devaluing other people and demonstrating their own superiority, narcissists compensate for the feeling of inner emptiness that destroys them.
Individualism – a special form of worldview, in which preference is given to individual values (freedom of choice, independence); unwillingness to act in accordance with the opinion of the group (family, social class or party). It promotes selfish behavior, but not all individualists are self-obsessed.
Is reasonable selfishness possible?
Whatever the moral principles, human life is subordinated to the search for pleasure and defending one’s own interests, the philosopher Jeremy Bentham believed. Erich Fromm would probably agree with this, assuring that “the complete absence of egoism is one of his signs, and often the most important.”
Philosophers have long thought about the possibility of rational selfishness. Such an egoist does not sacrifice himself, but does not require sacrifices from others. He satisfies his reasonable needs, and everything beyond that is ready to share. “This is a person with a fairly high self-esteem, who knows that he has the right to certain benefits,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “His self-respect and self-confidence allow him to treat other people with affection.”
By the way: selfish motivation often turns out to be more effective than an altruistic desire to help. “Our research shows that volunteers who seek to assuage their conscience or who cannot bear the misfortunes of others are more consistent,” says Marie Desjardins, a psychologist at the University of Clermont-Ferrand in France. “Objectively, they are more useful than those who volunteer out of abstract love for people.”
Taking care of yourself is generally psychologically sound. But taking care only of yourself or, conversely, constantly neglecting your interests, means making a mistake. We may well live according to our desires, if only we do not force everyone around us to fulfill them. But if someone’s selfish behavior still drives us crazy, we can remember the call of Mother Teresa, which can be read on the wall of an orphanage in Calcutta (India): “People are unreasonable, illogical and selfish: forgive them anyway.”