Selfies: when does a game stop being one?

“Selfie is a multifaceted phenomenon of modern culture with all its pluses and minuses. Modern civilization produces many ersatz objects of human needs, and we “consume” a significant part of them in order to create and maintain an idealized image of the “I”, public, created for self-presentation and a kind of “sale”. In this regard, the selfie can acquire unhealthy traits and become a “cultural pathology”, a new kind of psychological dependence, another “face” of narcissistic perfectionism – an excessive and uncontrollable attachment to the idealized image of the “I”.

Selfies as a kind of psychological addiction have their own characteristics: firstly, it is an obsession – usually this is not a single, random photo, but a whole series. Secondly, the development of selfie technology: self-feeding rules, detailed recommendations on choosing the most advantageous positions and poses, different angles, using technical means to “polish” one’s appearance (sometimes beyond recognition).

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Be yourself or be better?

In social and clinical psychology there is such a concept – auto-manipulation – the creation by a person of techniques and tricks of self-deception (and deception of others), motivated by the desire for self-exaltation and self-idealization. If the selfie craze gets out of control, is used endlessly, regardless of the situation, and a person cannot break away, cannot live without it, we can talk about addiction. But this applies to adults, for whom the process of forming self-identity, if not completed (we develop all our lives), then at least ceased to be the leading need, to satisfy which we throw all our efforts. How does self-identity develop? A person has two aspirations, two basic needs, without which a holistic and fairly stable identity cannot be formed. The first need is the self-definition of oneself as a different, unique being. Another trend is the need to feel oneself among people, in connection with them the desire to be accepted, appreciated, adequately reflected in the eyes and opinions of others. The formation of self-identity lies in the harmonious combination of these tendencies, in the ability of a person to regulate them. In this sense, narcissistic perfectionism can be considered: a person strives not only to stand out among others, but to surpass everyone and in everything, to be “perfection”. At the same time, he expects that literally everyone is “obliged” to accept, admire and love him, otherwise – collapse, a “narcissistic wound” for life. But it is impossible to be neither completely unique and unlike anyone (then you will not be accepted), nor loved by everyone in the world, and even “perfection” is a chimera. For people with similar personality traits, the selfie becomes another product of civilization that can be put to the service of satisfying these “self-exalting” manipulative strategies.

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Identity search

With teenagers, the situation is somewhat different. The search for one’s own identity is a natural developmental stage in infancy and adolescence. It consists in trying to find oneself outside, to imagine oneself, to hear a response and to try on one or another image, because one’s own idea of ​​oneself has not yet fully developed, it is fragmentary and very much depends on one’s own state, mood, situation; it is still fragile and vulnerable to the opinions of other people.

Eric Erikson described this state as a teenage diffuseness: I try – what am I? Am I like this or like this? Another question is that you need to find an internal starting point when the image “put up for sale” does not replace the person you feel yourself to be. And if the search drags on beyond adolescence and flows into the time of maturity, then we are already talking about infantilism or growing narcissism. What is infantilism? In my practice, I meet many women who are no longer very young, closer to forty years old, who do not work, do not have close friends and are in the holy confidence that the fitness, beauty and income of their parents provide them with a happy future. This extremely simplistic, unrealistic “I deserve it” as a result leads to the fact that they are completely unadapted to life. One of these women’s hobbies is endless selfies. They do something with themselves all the time, they are endless walkers to fitness, salons, spas, aesthetic surgeons.

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Psychologists describe this phenomenon as bodily perfectionism: they must be great in everything to their fingertips. They polish their self-portrait, but this in no way concerns their inner content – inside they remain children who believe that the surface is they, the facade is they, and they will be loved for it. And they don’t like it. You need to invest your soul in sustainable human relationships, but they do not know how to do it.

Generally speaking, a serious person does not look in the mirror so often: he has already formed ideas about himself, he does not need to endlessly resort to some sort of tests: what do you think of me, what will you say about me? He does not have the very need to constantly receive reinforcement for his “I”. In the phenomenon of selfie, another peculiar cultural feature is confirmed: we are all now very dependent on the visual image. Every existence on the Internet is now some kind of self-presentation. We write something, share something, including photos taken by someone. And in this sense, we open ourselves, demonstrate ourselves, reveal ourselves. It’s all about the nuances. If there is a feeling that without a gadget, without the Internet, without a selfie, we are somehow naked, that we need to click quickly, quickly, without this it is uncomfortable – these are signs of addiction. Another thing is the interest in opening oneself to the world, perhaps developing some qualities in oneself, making one’s life meaningful in relationships with other people. But the selfie, put at the service of narcissism, needs the Other only as a mirror, suggests that the Others are only called upon to serve as reflectors of your perfect “I”, and in themselves they are not interesting and equal relations with them are not needed. Of course we need Others as mirrors, especially during childhood and adolescence, it is indeed one of our basic needs to be validated in the eyes of others. But do not be attached, do not be a slave to these assessments, do not look at yourself solely through the eyes of your reflections. This is what we are talking about – when a person gradually becomes dependent on the reflections that he demonstrates and receives. And in this sense, wanting to stand out, he kind of dissolves.

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• I take pictures of everything

Why are selfies annoying?

As we have already said, people who are most prone to excessive selfie enthusiasm are either narcissistically alienated in their self-affirmation, or people who want exclusively to “receive likes” in the broad sense of the word and therefore become chameleon-like, try to please, earn the praise of others, including with a selfie. In this case, selfies are an ideal opportunity to form an ideology of manipulating other people’s perceptions. When adults behave this way, it causes a certain irritation in others, as annoying endless narcissism, “self-promotion” and an unpleasant feeling that you are simply being used – this is incompatible with self-esteem and is perceived as a violation of the boundaries of the “I” or as a kind of psychological violence.

The same with teenagers. The desire of a growing person to try himself in different images is understandable and, in principle, should not cause much concern. But when we see that this turns into a relentless desire, it makes sense to think: what kind of lack in real life does a teenager compensate for? Too much interest in selfies can be a signal of its social unfulfillment, which must be correctly interpreted. First of all, this is a signal for relatives: perhaps they need to somehow rebuild their relationship with their son or daughter.

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Selfie can be helpful

But to a certain extent: in adolescence, as a test, as a search for oneself, as an acquaintance with one’s own “I” … Unfortunately, the Internet space is arranged in such a way that in response we most often receive only “likes”. There is no adequate feedback, and the support we can get is not always sincere. Although most often people do not apply for support, but want to get exactly like. As a rule, they react kindly to this and put this like. It’s like when we turn to someone and say: tell me something nice. But this should not become the permanent and only means of satisfying emotional hunger. There is a difference between the desire to receive support in a narrow circle and the desire for absolute social support. Here again is a nuance. If it is important for us that the reference circle, our loved ones support us, this is sacred. But when we strive for 300, 400, 500, 1000 people to like us, and we cannot find peace without it, then the sense of proportion and the sense of adequacy are already lost. Another thing is when, in the process of becoming an identity, teenagers try on certain images: “Mom, am I beautiful?”, “Dad, let me sit behind the wheel – how do I look?” Gradually, self-interest should come to naught.

See more at Online publication “Children in the Information Society”.