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We usually sabotage the opportunity to become happy for minor reasons, but with dire consequences. Psychologists name the three most common mistakes in our behavior and explain how we can change it.
Most of us consider happiness to be the highest reward in life. We fight fiercely for it, and however fleeting it may be, we rejoice in it. However, very often we are also quite successful in destroying this hard-won state of harmony.
How? Think about the unhealthy relationships we have, the abandoned activities, the unreachable goals we set for ourselves, and the heartfelt aspirations we never follow, suggests psychotherapist Nick Baileys, author of The Simplest Guide to Happiness.
He believes that such inexplicable behavior to the detriment of oneself is caused either by a difficult childhood or a teenager’s view of the world. Maybe because of an overly critical attitude of one of the parents, we felt unloved, a harsh teacher caused a feeling of our own insignificance, and next to a purposeful friend, we feel eternally second.
In adulthood, having barely reached a certain level of happiness, we begin to sabotage our lives, striving to return to the familiar childhood soil, no matter how uncomfortable and unhappy we feel on it.
Obviously, finding a way out of this destructive vicious circle is not easy. We can free ourselves from deeply rooted mechanisms of self-destructive behavior only if we can recognize them. Three psychologists show us the possible paths to liberation.
1. Think constructively
“The other day I decided to send the kids on a picnic with a friend who lives next door, while I stayed at home,” says Karina, a 43-year-old divorced mother of two. – I wanted to be alone, but, staying at home in silence, I immediately began to be tormented. After a few minutes, I began to think about how fat, nervous, what terrible hair I have.
Karina admits that her thoughts very quickly went even further. “I got pissed off about not having enough time to go to the gym and started thinking about how it would be easier for me if I had a partner.”
Then she asked herself: “Who needs me? I’m ugly and blurry. Maybe I should have overlooked my ex-husband’s love affairs, maybe he was right when he criticized me for not wanting to be a housewife and not taking care of myself. I kept replaying negative thoughts about my appearance in my head.”
Just at the moment when Karina felt completely upset and alone, her small children burst into the house with a roar. “My daughter rushed to me and wanted to hug me, but I was so turned on that I pushed her away and told her not to make such a noise. Of course, I immediately felt guilty and heartless and utterly desperate for what a bad mother I was. And I felt longing for my ex-husband.
Why are we doing this?
Clinical psychologist Sharona Rawat explains that many of us disturb our own mental balance by constantly thinking about past events, endlessly replaying bad memories in our heads. “We need to understand and comprehend what happened in our lives in order to find the right place for these memories in our minds,” explains the psychologist. “Conflicts, missing information and contradictions leave gaps in our knowledge and result in internal discord and discomfort.”
Sharona Rawat adds that trying to ease these unsettling feelings sets off a cycle of useless rumination. “Unfortunately, this process leads to extreme stress and anxiety, which in turn further complicates the decision-making process.”
By replaying already known failures and failures in our heads, we come to negative and initially wrong conclusions, which in turn can undermine our self-esteem and give rise to self-doubt. “It makes us believe that the thoughts ‘I’m unattractive’ and ‘I’m a bad mother’ are real facts. It makes us unhappy and distorts our future decisions.”
What can be done about it?
“It is quite natural to strive for harmony,” the psychologist is sure. “Endless thinking begins when we cannot reach balance.” She insists that one should think constructively.
Be aware that you are experiencing discomfort or internal discord associated with certain past thoughts and actions.
Try to formulate a statement that most clearly describes the essence of the event or experience. Write it down.
Think about the reasons why you think the written statement is correct.
Consider each reason individually. Try to carefully and objectively evaluate how these reasons seem right to you.
In each individual case, forgive yourself for the role that you played in it (if it was negative). Forgive other people for what they have done, and make amends to the people you have harmed.
Make the information thus obtained part of your new, more balanced perception of the event.
2. Realize that you can not be a victim
Linda, 32, is having an affair with a bossy and critical older man who can also be very caring and loving. She endured his constant pressure for two years, but recently this situation has become annoying to her.
Every time she notices that he is criticizing her again, she makes fun of her and says something like: “But you know that I love you?” or “Don’t be such a child”, she has nothing to counter his words (they are absolutely correct), besides, she is financially dependent on her friend and therefore patiently endures his dismissive remarks.
Linda feels that she has no way to change the situation, although she understands that his statements are gradually destroying her trust, happiness and self-respect. Despite the fact that outwardly everything is fine with them, inside she feels dissatisfaction more and more.
Why are we doing this?
Clinical psychologist Sonya Snyman says that those who cannot cope with their life circumstances develop a “victim mentality.” “When you feel powerless, you don’t have control over your life, or the relationship is out of your control, you start to feel like a victim,” she explains.
Victims feel that something is constantly happening to them, and instead of admitting their responsibility for this, they blame their misfortunes on circumstances, events or other people.
“This state often arises from a deep insecurity and a strong need for recognition,” explains the psychologist. “Victims behave according to what they think others expect of them. They feel dissatisfied, because outwardly dependent and submissive, but internally outraged by what is happening.
What can we do about it?
There are two important truths to be aware of. First, we may feel empowered in some situations and feel like a victim in others. Second, feeling like a victim is very comfortable. This allows us not to take responsibility for our behavior or our feelings.
In what situations do you feel like a victim? Does it have to do with your past experience or with a sense of your own inadequacy?
Why do you feel like a victim? Is it because you are afraid to destroy the status quo? Or do you not imagine any other behavior? Perhaps you do not want to realize the true ugliness of your position?
Think about how you would like to feel and how you would like to behave?
Mentally rehearse your new, “improved” behavior. If you feel like a victim, analyze this feeling and say: “I will not be a victim.” Remind yourself that you can do something to make things better.
3. Become kinder to yourself
Julia, 38, works as a secretary. She would like to resume her studies, which she left when she was pregnant with her first child, but considers herself “too old” and “not smart enough” to do so. She feels that her marriage is preserved by inertia, and rarely communicates both with her husband’s colleagues, considering them “snobs”, and with her colleagues, since these are “not the kind of people with whom I would like to communicate.”
She stopped asking her husband to help her around the house, because, according to her, he never wants to do this and does everything carelessly. Despite all the efforts that Julie makes to control the children’s homework, they have “very average” grades in school, and they have not achieved sports success either. She feels that they could do better, but they are simply lazy, and she constantly expresses her fear that they will never achieve anything.
Julia often reflects that her life is developing exactly as her father predicted, saying that she has “very modest potential.” She talks about herself in supercritical terms: “I’m stupid. Nobody loves me. I have not achieved anything in my life. My children have bad genes. Everyone else looks happy and successful. My marriage failed.”
Why are we doing this?
“If a parent, teacher or caregiver constantly criticizes us, then we begin to consider these statements as unshakable truths,” explains clinical psychologist Rolen Hovsha. For example, if we are told that we are not very smart, then any achievement we achieve will be perceived as luck or an accident, or we will think that someone somewhere has made a mistake. “We are constantly looking for and receiving from others evidence of this negative view and ignore everything positive,” explains the psychologist.
People with low self-esteem are often overly picky about not only themselves, but also others. Ironically, we often choose partners that only strengthen our self-esteem. For example, Julia, who has not achieved anything in life, may have found a successful husband precisely because he needed a partner who would not overshadow him in the professional field. Julia describes her acquaintances as “snobs” or “not good enough” for her. Often this leads to increased isolation.
“Overcritical people often constantly compare themselves to others and find fault with them,” adds Rolen Hovsha. “Besides, people like Julia often see things only in black and white: ‘If I’m not perfect, then I’m worthless’, or ‘I forgot her birthday, then I’m a reckless egoist. They tend to exaggerate their mistakes and fears while minimizing their positive qualities.”
What can we do about it?
It is important to understand what negative information we regularly communicate to ourselves. To do this, it is worth starting to keep a diary and write down our negative feelings in it as soon as we notice them.
Every time you catch yourself making a negative judgment about yourself, say out loud to yourself, “Stop.” You can also imagine a stop sign or a red traffic light.
After that, try to replace this thought with a more neutral one. Instead of saying, “I’m fat and ugly,” think, “I’ve put on six kilos and I don’t like the way I look, but I’m determined to make a difference.”
Learn to be kind to yourself. Think of someone you respect and love a lot. Could you ever tell him, “You’re stupid”? Why are you saying this to yourself?
Mark in your statements the words “should”, “should”, “I must”. Try to replace them with “I would like” or “I don’t want to.”
Examine the negative “truths” you have agreed with since childhood and challenge them. Ask yourself, “Where is the evidence that this applies to me? Where is the evidence to the contrary?
Analyze your own perception to make sure that you are not distorting what others say, especially if you feel that you are being treated badly or rejected.
Remember that change does not happen instantly. If you need support and help, seek professional advice from a psychologist.