About how important it is to work on your self-esteem, a lot of articles, books, and even more posts on social networks have been written. But isn’t it better to think about your self-worth? Psychologist Tanya Mezhelaitis tells about what it is and how it differs from self-esteem.
Often we stick labels to ourselves and others “he has low self-esteem”, “you need to raise your self-esteem”. But should it always be about evaluation? Reflecting on this topic, I came to the conclusion that the word “self-worth” is closer to me. Let’s see what is the difference between these concepts.
In society, the word “self-esteem” is more accepted, and the term “self-worth” is understood by few people, except perhaps for those who are seriously interested in psychology. However, initially the child does not know anything about any self-esteem. He just is — that’s all, and it is very important for him to be in a safe environment where he is loved and accepted.
When a child feels that by expressing himself, his feelings, emotions, demands, he gives parents discomfort, he begins to unconsciously change his behavior. If the parents are emotionally immature, this behavior of the child causes them anxiety. The child feels this, reproaches himself for causing trouble to an adult. Afraid of finally losing the disposition of his parents, the child wants to return their comfort.
“Mom is sleeping, she is tired…”
It is adults who begin to evaluate the child: parents, nannies, grandmothers, teachers. And they do this based on their ideas of good and bad, good and evil. And also — for reasons of their own comfort. Very often, the parental “must” grows out of their “want”. Mom wants peace and order in the house, so you can’t make noise and scatter toys.
One day my friends and I went to karaoke. My friend Herman was modestly silent all evening. When asked why, he replied: «I have a terrible voice.» It seemed strange to me: Herman’s voice is pleasant, low. When he speaks, everyone listens with pleasure, especially women.
Later it turned out that in childhood my friend was very fond of singing and reciting poems learned in kindergarten. He sang along and danced to any tune heard from the receiver or TV. But one day my mother said irritably: “Stop grimacing! Shut up! You have a terrible voice.» And that’s all. Herman was silent.
His mom wasn’t a monster. Most likely, she was just tired after a hard day. It was the noise that annoyed her, not her son’s voice. But the bottom line is that any parent is an authority for the child, almost God. The child completely and completely trusts his opinion. At that moment, Herman believed his mother that he was just grimacing and that he had a terrible voice.
A stereotype of behavior is being developed: evaluate yourself with an eye on an adult
Herman decided to become what his mother wants to get her love and approval, and stopped showing emotions. Later, in his youth, this created many problems for him in communicating with girls. One phrase created not only a ban on singing, but also a whole bunch of complexes.
A good child is a convenient child. Quiet, obedient. Eats and sleeps by the hour. Plays with himself. Doesn’t stain clothes. A good child is loved. And the kid begins to achieve this phantom love by all means and evaluate himself with an eye on the adult. «Ghostly» — because the child rarely receives it in the form in which it is needed.
This is how a stereotype of behavior is developed: to evaluate oneself with an eye on an adult. Did I do the right thing to get love? In fact, most parents themselves do not know what love is and how to give it. And they give it as best they can. Through gentle hugs or cuffs, through accusations of stupidity or blind adoration. It is this looking back at an adult that forms our opinion about ourselves, attitudes. Growing up, we gradually begin to engage in “self-assessment” (I talked about what it is in a previous article).
In the power of settings
An attitude is a belief that was formed in childhood, and later, with experience, became fixed. It is the attitudes that program us to think and act in a certain way. Negative attitudes prevent you from showing your abilities and enjoying life.
Often these attitudes were born in cases where something was demanded of us that we have not yet learned. «Go there, I don’t know where.» The school taught us to evaluate ourselves literally — according to a five-point system.
The child wants to be loved, appreciated and accepted for who he is.
When I talk about school, I don’t just mean diary entries. Children can be very cruel to their peers if they are different in some way — first of all, outwardly. Being tall, overweight, or having hair color can lead to offensive nicknames. «Freckled», «fat man», «bespectacled man», «dylda» … Familiar? Even if parents are correct about the child’s appearance, it is not always possible to protect your child outside the home.
Of course, most parents love a child, but they express their love in the way that was customary in their parental family, as they themselves were taught or not taught. But the child wants to be loved, appreciated and accepted as he is, and not because he came clean from a walk. This is just about self-worth, about the verb «to be». And the word «self-esteem» is used when evaluating a person according to the results, this is about the verb «do».
«I am!»
How can we determine the value of our own personality? According to the results of everything that helps us to be happy, successful, confident. Why don’t some people recognize their worth? Yes, because they evaluate themselves in terms of “doing”, and not “being”. To do is to achieve some rank, status: professor, honored artist, general. But this does not guarantee happiness at all. You can be a very famous person, a «star», and at the same time insecure.
How to recognize the value of your own personality? First of all, we need to consciously decide that, despite the presence of a schema that has laid low self-esteem in us, we have the right not to support it, to go beyond it. Remember the children’s game of hopscotch. Imagine chalk-drawn boundaries. While we are inside the squares, we are in the game. But at any moment we can leave it.
We have all the talents that other people have. You just need to allow yourself to express them for real.
After that, it is important to accept that initially, upon birth, we all have the same amount of talents (not to be confused with physical data!). In order to become, for example, a ballet dancer, one talent is not enough, one also needs physical data. And the lack of confidence and self-confidence hinders the manifestation of these talents.
Therefore, you need to start with yourself. We have all the talents that other people have. You just need to allow yourself to manifest them for real, realize your power from the word “I can” and allow this power to be embodied.