The process of forming self-esteem is complex and controversial, like the teenager himself. But he determines what kind of success the child can achieve in adulthood: will he normally interact with the opposite sex, set the right goals and go towards them, will he be able to achieve career success?
Despite the fact that the place of parents during this period is occupied by new authorities, their support is extremely necessary for a teenager. Together with Anna Bykova, a psychologist and author of the Lazy Mom book series, we will figure out how parents can help their child form a healthy, adequate self-esteem.
Adolescent self-esteem
As soon as the child begins to realize himself as a separate person (at about the age of two or three years), he has a feeling of “I”, knowledge about himself is formed, for example: “I am Misha, I am a boy.” Along with this, the question arises: “What am I?”
The child’s perception of himself: “I am good. I’m smart. I’m loved” or “I’m bad. I am harmful. I interfere with everyone, ”depends on what assessment of others he hears. In adolescence, there is a shift in the focus of external evaluation. If at preschool age parents mainly influence self-esteem, at primary school age – teachers, then in adolescence the answer to the question “What am I?” looking for peers.
The authority of parents is falling, and their ability to influence self-esteem is lower than it was before.
If peers recognize him as handsome, funny, smart, his self-esteem grows. If the reaction of peers is negative or completely absent (no one notices the child), self-esteem creeps down.
The authority of parents is falling, and their ability to influence self-esteem is lower than it was before. No matter how much a mother convinces her daughter that she is beautiful, the girl still has doubts about her attractiveness if not a single boy at school pays attention to her. But this does not mean that you should not try to help the child.
What should parents do
1. Do not aggravate or criticize. A teenager is already not sure of his own attractiveness, and if his parents confirm doubts, then self-esteem will fall completely. You can’t even criticize with good intentions: “What a beautiful girlfriend you have. But you are smart. In vain you spend all the time with her. She will quickly jump out with such an appearance. She may not need study, but you should go to university. You, daughter, study better. What does the girl hear? Just that she’s not pretty.
2. Help the child feel beautiful. In adolescence, the importance of appearance increases. Parents can offer to go to a stylist, pick up a hairstyle, clothes, tidy up your teeth and skin. It happens that boys are very worried about skin rashes, but are embarrassed to talk about their problem. And the parents are sure that everything is in order, that their son is above worrying about such “trifles”. You should not pay close attention to this, but suggesting to go to the beautician together is a good idea.
3. Support your teenager. Do not forget to praise, and if there is no reason for praise yet, you can give credit of trust: “I see your potential. I know that you are capable. I believe in you”. The support of a parent of the same gender is especially important. Only dad or another authoritative man for a boy can give advice on how to communicate with girls or behave in a “pack”.
A parent should broadcast two important messages: “I’m cool” and “You’re cool too. Even a little better than me.”
4. Pay attention to your self-esteem. The child often identifies with the parents, so the adult needs to communicate two important messages: “I’m cool” and “You’re cool too. Even a little better than me.”
5. Create opportunities for new acquaintances: mugs, sections, holiday camp, travel. Getting into a new team, the child can open up in a new way. People will see the other side of him, and he will look at himself through their eyes. It happens that at school the child does not have a relationship with classmates, he does not communicate with anyone. But at the same time, everyone in the theater circle is delighted with his talent and sense of humor. The wider the social circle, the more different facets of the personality are revealed and the more voluminous the self-image becomes.
At the same time, it is necessary to teach him to understand people. When teenagers change their social circle, self-esteem may not change for the better: for example, from low or adequate to high.
Inadequately high self-esteem is a consequence of strong internal vulnerability
At first glance, it may seem that the higher the self-esteem, the better. But inadequately inflated self-esteem can have negative consequences. It can be difficult for such a teenager to establish friendships. Others around him are uncomfortable, they feel inferior and tend to avoid communication.
Oddly enough, such self-esteem can be corrected in the same way as overestimated, because the “crown” is a consequence of a strong internal vulnerability. Out of fear that others will consider him worthless, the child will certainly want to become cooler, to prove himself in the best way, to prove to everyone his remarkableness. With healthy self-esteem, such a need usually does not arise. The formation of healthy self-esteem is not a quick and rather laborious process, and it is important that a self-confident and caring adult helps a child along this path.
About the Developer
Anna Bykova – psychologist, author of the series of books “Lazy Mom”. Read more at .