Our most severe judge, most caustic critic, ruthless executioner is often ourselves. Why is this happening? How do we learn to devalue ourselves and everything we do, and how to raise self-esteem by working with the body? Psychologist Tanya Mezhelaitis tells.
Who do you think has the most claims against you? Who constantly saws you and regularly recalls your failures ten years ago? It’s you yourself.
Under the influence of the environment, we come up with an image of the ideal self, but do not match it. This ideal «I» is formed under the influence of attitudes, what one should be. The ideal is invented. Guidelines for the ideal are not in ourselves, but outside.
Not reaching the ideal in real life, we begin to devalue what we have. We say “I didn’t really want to”, protecting ourselves from bitterness and disappointment. We agree with the ugly labels and assessments pasted to us. In my book “Self-Esteem or Self-Esteem: Correcting Mistakes,” I tried to find the reasons for the formation of this “self-esteem”.
Influence of parental settings
Once upon a time, when we were small, our parents pressed us with their authority. For example, they said: «Go eat.» The child does not want to eat, and they say to him: “But you didn’t have breakfast!” Or: «Put on a jacket, it’s cold.» He is not cold, but since the parent says, he puts it on. An adult knows better. Gradually, the child ceases to trust himself, loses contact with his feelings, desires, loses confidence in himself.
The attitudes that have developed with an eye on the opinion of an adult also play a role. An attitude is a belief, most often formed in childhood and reinforced by further experience. It is the attitudes that program us to think and act in a certain way. Positive attitudes give support in life and a lot of benefits. Negative ones impose restrictions, interfere with the ability to show abilities and enjoy.
It’s impossible to erase negative attitudes just like that: not only the brain is involved, but also the body — a block appears in it. How is it formed and “anchored” (NLP psychologists call the state when the block is fixed in the body, “anchoring”)?
System unit»
Any negative situation first comes to us in the form of thought or information from outside. Further, as an assessment of this information, a feeling or emotion arises. The body then responds to the negative situation by contracting the muscles.
Try it right now: clench your hand into a fist and hold it in this state for as long as possible. At first, there will be tension, which will gradually turn into pain, numbness or heaviness. But what if we imagine that the hand will remain in this state for life? You can relax your muscles.
Muscle contraction at the moment when we experience negative emotions does not just happen: they are grouped for a response. The contraction must be followed by a discharge reaction: we must hit, run, or scream.
If the situation repeats, and the discharge does not occur, the block is securely rooted
In addition, at the moment of stress, adrenaline is released into the blood and triggers the production of energy that will be needed in order to “react” emotions. This energy must be spent. If we do not react in any way, but only suppress emotions, the unspent energy settles in our body and, as it were, “capsulates”, and the tension remains in the muscles.
I will give a simple example. There was a negative situation. The brain sends us a signal that we need to respond to this situation: run away, kick the offender, or at least express dissatisfaction. Muscles are grouped, and a charge of energy is sent to that place in the body that is “ready” to perform an action. Perhaps we wanted to scream, but we didn’t. Discharging did not happen. As a result, tension remained in the throat area. There was a so-called block or clamp.
If we show emotions, the tension goes away. If not, the blocked energy will remind you of itself with unpleasant sensations, pain, numbness and any other discomfort. This will continue until the situation is resolved.
If the situation repeats, and the discharge does not occur, the block is firmly rooted. Over time, we can get used to and stop feeling this discomfort.
Not one step forward
Were you often allowed to show anger or resentment as a child? Most likely, even simple disagreement was categorically suppressed by parents, teachers, nannies.
Recently, thirty-year-old Rita turned to me for help. She was worried not only about self-doubt, but also about the pain in her knees. The doctors did not find anything serious and sent her to a psychologist.
We began to understand. It turned out that not so long ago Rita was offered a job in a European company. Favorable conditions, good salary, an apartment in the city center, an interesting project. The prospects were breathtaking, but she hesitated with a final answer, again and again weighing the pros and cons. She had to move to another country. A new city, a change of environment, the troubles associated with moving. “How can I be alone there? What will the parents say? — all this frightened and did not allow to take a decisive step.
Rita’s family was very fond of the saying «Measure seven times, cut once.» Every action was taken carefully considered. There was no room for error: the decision had to be made once and for all.
It is necessary to “cleanse” the body so that what happened remains in the memory, but no longer causes sharp emotions.
Once, in her teens, Rita changed schools. At the new place, relations with classmates did not develop. The school was a language school, study was difficult. And although the decision to move was made by the whole family, the responsibility for the result fell on the girl. Since then, any decision has been extremely difficult for her. The situation with the choice, more or less significant, was repeated more than once. Settings like “you have no right to make a mistake” were fixed — and at the same time a block in the knee area.
What does it mean to make a decision? Take a step — a step towards the unknown. In her case, the fear of making a mistake was so strong that it simply blocked her knees, causing pain.
Our body has memory. It reflects any event, person or emotion. Negative event — cold, compression, tension. Positive — warmth and pleasant sensations. It is necessary to “cleanse” the body so that what happened remains only in memory, but no longer causes sharp emotions.
I love comparing our body to a map of the Earth. Not a single painful or simply uncomfortable sensation occurs just like that. The body always gives us a clue through sensations what it is about. Take, for example, foot problems: pain, numbness, heaviness. Why are we given legs? To move forward! And the pain doesn’t let you do that. Think about what is holding you back? What setup? Fear, ban on movement? In what situation could this feeling be formed?
Any setting necessarily responds somewhere in the body, and you can get rid of it by working through the sensations in this place. Physical activity, massage or meditation will help with this.
Exercise «Dance-shaking»
To start getting rid of the block right now, do the following exercise:
- Turn on upbeat music.
- Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart (the main thing is that the posture is stable).
- Start shaking with one hand to the beat of the music. Focus on feelings.
- Connect the second hand.
- After a while, connect the legs, then the torso, and at the very end, the head. Just do not clench your jaws: the lower jaw should be free, the head slightly tilted forward.
Your whole body should vibrate to the beat of the music. Your task is to shake the tension and clamps out of it. The exercise usually takes 5-10 minutes, and after it is completed, it is advisable to lie down for 10 minutes to give the body a chance to relax.
It is not only possible, but also necessary to work with self-esteem at all three levels: through consciousness, feelings and, of course, the body. This process is not easy and slow, but the result will more than pay for all the efforts.