Self-deception: what will turn the flight from reality

“The past story of Ivan Ilyich’s life was both the simplest, and the most ordinary, and the most terrible,” wrote Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy. A mediocre court official who has built a successful career dies painfully, and his bodily decay coincides with the awakening of the soul. He realizes that he has led a fruitless and uninteresting life. So this same Ivan Ilyich achieved a real mastery of self-deception, such a high level that the body could not stand the discord and tolled the bell.

Who among us has not experienced the wonderful feeling of self-deception? When self-hypnosis turns out to be so strong that we begin to believe in the created reality. We fuel confidence with thoughts and pipe dreams. Self-deception can be useful as a form of psychological defense against contact with painful reality. But some are so immersed in it that the collision with reality turns into a painful blow.

Here are examples of life situations, the participants of which reach the heights of self-deception:

• The mistress of a married man inspires herself with the idea that soon her beloved will leave the family for her sake. You just need to wait until his son goes to first grade, his wife finds a job and the right emotional moment comes.
• A man is attracted to other men at a deep subconscious level, but the mind inspires him with the idea that this is absolutely unacceptable. He convinces himself that he is categorically against same-sex relationships.
• When reviewing grades for a quarter, we confidently declare to the child that at his age we had one fives. Forgetting that we also had considerable academic failures, we sincerely believe in the best version of ourselves at a young age.
• Sometimes we decide to radically change our lives and move to another country, city, convincing ourselves that this will bring the desired relief. We refuse to admit that we ourselves have caused our own failures and that geographic movements do not always entail internal changes.
• A great way to escape social failure is to become a workaholic and spend 24 hours at work. Isolation is an excellent method of self-deception and protection from overly sociable fellows who strive to call for a frank conversation.
• A woman who has lived for many years with a man who physically and mentally abused her is trying to justify his behavior. Convinces herself that she may have done something that motivated him to violence. Refuses to admit that the person who regularly bullies her and the person from whom she expects support in life are one and the same person. Self-deception helps her ignore the hard truth, but only up to a point.
• When looking at finances, you think that these are just numbers on paper, they have nothing to do with your comfortable and well-equipped life, you prefer to look at your bank account as little as possible and think: “Maybe we’ll break through.”

In a sense, self-deception helps at first. By trying to behave and act like the person we want to be like, we embody our ideal image. It is a bridge across which one can walk from the self of today to the self of tomorrow. It helps to keep yourself in shape and follow the set goal. But the line beyond which self-deception grows to grandiose proportions is very thin. Crossing it, we turn into the notorious Ivan Ilyich, convincing himself of a small career happiness and decency of family life. Until, like our hero, we face death, which spares no one and dispels self-deception.

Nietzsche’s philosophy directly connects life and error: «In a world that is essentially false, truthfulness would be an unnatural tendency: it could only make sense as a means to a special, higher potency of deceit.» Nietzsche is certainly difficult to interpret, but he clearly writes that illusory life is an integral part of the life of a rational person. Life prospects are reasonable insofar as they flow into an uncertain tomorrow and unrealistic expectations conceived by a person.

It turns out that the clearer and tougher the life path outlined by us, the more likely it is to be deceived in plans. We have a choice: either plunge into self-deception, or stop making firm and clear demands on life and start simply enjoying it in all its manifestations. What do you prefer?

How, finally, to learn to stop lying to save yourself? Many have a fragile ego. The unconscious mind has to work hard to protect feelings from emotional wounds, resentment and confusion, often resorting to distorted views to make us feel a little better. It is not good to deceive, we were all taught in childhood, but sometimes we still lie to others with or without reason. But lying to yourself is the worst investment in your own life.

1. Learn to listen to your inner dialogue

What thoughts and feelings dominate it? Positive, which support, or exclusively piercing, negative, lowering self-esteem below the plinth? Learn to internally direct thoughts in a positive direction, concentrating on strengths and positive qualities, the inner hero. Mentally transport yourself to places and situations where you felt «on horseback». The unconscious mind is your best friend and ally, so feel free to turn to it for help. Train the conscious, blaming and condemning one and all mind to positive notes. This is a tool that you customize.

2. Reconsider life position

Define your life values ​​and goals, and then break them down into small steps that you can take today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow. Giant ambitious goals are usually insurmountable and lead either to self-deception, or to disappointment, or to insanity, or to grandomania, which is much worse.

3. Use your sense of humor more often

The more things we can make fun of, and the more we can laugh at gaps and omissions, the easier it is to climb a mountain. Let go of the burden of the past and arm yourself with a healthy curiosity for the future.

4. Spend time playing and having fun

Find time for fun and other “shameful” favorite and stupid activities that bring real pleasure from life. They are the ones who give you positive energy. Somewhere in the subcortex, a feeling begins to form that, perhaps, life does not pass by, and you are a full participant in it. Favorite activities help determine what you really like. With their help, you can find the true purpose, which, surprisingly, may not be connected in any way with the work of an official of the judiciary of an average hand, like Ivan Ilyich.

5. Find courage and open the curtain

I assure you, you already know in what area of ​​life you are under the sweet dope of self-deception. You can stop lying to yourself. Make yourself such a gift.