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Psychologists, sexologists and popular publications have accustomed us to the idea of the subtlety and complexity of women’s sexual pleasure. Against this background, male pleasure seems almost primitive. But to think so would be a mistake.
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Imagine, it comes to the point that many men perceive orgasm as the prerogative of the fair sex. Something dizzying, mysterious – and inaccessible to them, for whom everything is simple. Only by spending a lot of effort, you can convince men to observe their feelings. But when it succeeds, it becomes clear: there can be no talk of any mechanism.
Men even enjoy finding words that would describe their experiences as accurately as possible – infinitely far from primitive. Here and “loss of control”, and “fainting”, and “unconsciousness”, and “electric discharge”.
“My whole body tenses almost to the point of convulsions, it seems to me that part of me is leaving, as if something is sucking it in,” explains 37-year-old Vsevolod.
“This is a flash, a golden light – and I suddenly find myself in complete merger, I am not just in it, I already am it! But at the same time, I feel very lonely,” says 51-year-old Roman.
“My state can vary from pleasant, but not too strong sensations to merging with the entire Universe,” sums up 39-year-old Kirill. “We seem to go beyond the body, dissolve in space.”
Enjoy Consciously
In order to get closer to understanding the male orgasm, we must first of all abandon the persistent but erroneous idea that it is identical to ejaculation.
“Orgasm is a psychophysiological reaction of the body,” explains sexologist Yuri Prokopenko. – In a man, unlike a woman, there is also an ejaculation. In the vast majority of cases, this happens at the same time. Nevertheless, there is ejaculation without orgasm, and vice versa.
Moreover, in the case of an orgasm without ejaculation, the sensations are much fuller and sharper. Only a few advanced yogis and Taoists master this art.
The sexual organ in both men and women is the brain. And for both sexes, sexuality is dominated by the psychological dimension.
This is not a legend, Yuri Prokopenko confirms. But he does not share the optimism of those who are already about to learn this art as soon as possible: “This is the highest level of mastery of one’s own body, control over one’s autonomic nervous system, which is not even available to all yogis and requires many years of training.”
You can, however, do without oriental wisdom. Cases of orgasm without ejaculation have been repeatedly observed in men undergoing treatment with psychotropic drugs. However, this is a dubious path to the heights of pleasure: when taking psychotropic drugs, cases of ejaculation without psycho-emotional experiences are observed no less frequently.
“Ejaculation can be mechanical, but not orgasm,” sums up psychoanalyst and sexologist Alain Eril. – For example, a man with premature ejaculation experiences only a slight spasm, but no pleasure. His ejaculation eludes him. For a quality orgasm, you must be fully present “here and now” at the time of ejaculation, experience it consciously. The sexual organ, found in both men and women, is the brain. And for both sexes, sexuality is dominated by the psychological dimension.”
Not only the phallus
“Women are lucky that they are so “mysterious and complex” – first of all for themselves,” ironically sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc. – This gives them the opportunity to understand their essence, to explore themselves, gives them much more scope for pleasure and expression of desire.
Whereas men often fool themselves with their too quick introspection. Some stop at their “first time” and then experience only the masturbatory type of pleasure, even with their partners. Which, by the way, complain that with such men they feel like inanimate “ejaculation machines” that no one tries to hear.
The business of men is not to be content with “taking”, but to be ready to be surprised and allow themselves to be surprised.
But above all, such men do not hear themselves and are not aware of their capabilities. And women can help men by inviting them to their territory. After all, the geography of male sexuality is by no means limited to the phallus.
Men also have nipples, thighs, perineum with many nerve endings. At the same time, deep caresses of the perineum cause in many men an excitation comparable to the excitation of women when stimulating the G-spot. Men also have movements and words that block arousal, and others that, on the contrary, cause a powerful surge of desire.
But if women are able to help men in comprehending pleasure, then the business of men themselves is not to be content with “taking”, but to be ready to be surprised and allow themselves to be surprised.
“For both men and women, orgasm is the highest point of increasing arousal,” emphasizes Yuri Prokopenko. – If this path has been completed to the end, the excitement has reached one hundred percent, then an orgasm will occur, but if the process is interrupted at some stage, no. Therefore, it would be more correct to consider orgasm not in itself, but as a result of what happens between partners.
Men can be cold too
There are ejaculations that do not bring joy, men say. It’s not about impotence – external signs of climax are present. But there are no intense emotions – this is the essence of anorgasmia. And the more such men seek strong experiences, the more difficult it is for them to experience them. Therefore, sex for them is associated with the feeling that they are deprived of something.
“Yes, you can talk about frigid men,” admits sexologist Yves Ferrul. “They are scared to let themselves go or have not managed to move from teenage self-satisfaction to pleasure for two. In any case, they do not know how to surrender to pleasure.
Control or let go?
For men, sex is complicated by the need to maintain control and not let coition end too quickly. Although from the point of view of nature, rapid ejaculation is a serious evolutionary advantage.
“I quickly did my job and ran further to get a mammoth,” Yuri Prokopenko jokes. “But from a woman’s point of view, this is bad. And men are forced to do what they initially do not really need. But orgasm is the result of desire and arousal of two. And only together can partners understand how to combine their desires.”
The sexual education of a man is to teach him to restrain himself, remaining relaxed.
The stress that attempts at self-control cause in men not only does not delay, but even brings ejaculation closer. “In fact, the more men control the process, the faster they ejaculate,” notes Catherine Blanc. “They themselves go where they don’t want to go. They do not go beyond the pleasure-tension, which is very different from the self-forgetfulness of the jubilant flesh.
The difficulty is that in order to maintain an erection for a long time, a state of relaxation is needed. “It’s a delicate balance that creates the originality and complexity of the male orgasm,” explains Alain Eril. “And the sex education of a man is to teach him to restrain himself, while remaining relaxed. To be in tune with your partner and get something more than automatic ejaculation as a result.
Men are not born
Need some more proof of how complicated the male orgasm is? “For every 10 patients of a sexologist, there are 1–2 women and 8–9 men,” Yury Prokopenko reports. “And who has more subtleties, complexities and problems after that?”
However, Yuri Prokopenko clarifies that one cannot rely only on numbers: “In fact, both of them have many difficulties. But if a woman has problems achieving orgasm, then even she herself may not know about it. And if a man encounters such a problem, then at least two people know about it – he and his partner. And there are much more incentives to go to a specialist.”
Men are not born, but made. And between the first reflex ejaculation, which suddenly happens one fine day of adolescence, and the perfect pleasure of a man who knows his capabilities and the capabilities of his partner, lies a whole world. And it cannot be explored alone.
“Male orgasm is determined by desire,” says Alain Eril. – 95% of the sexual difficulties that I observed as a sex therapist are of a psychological origin. Desire, attraction in a couple is the main condition for orgasm, which no pill will ever replace.
Men Fake Orgasms Too
And more often than you might think. Sometimes they ejaculate without much enthusiasm, and they demonstratively exaggerate the pleasure, and sometimes they feign ejaculation itself too.
“In fact, it is not so difficult, especially if a condom is used during intercourse,” says sexologist Yuri Prokopenko. And men often fake an orgasm. For example, to raise the self-esteem of a partner. Men’s stories confirm this.
“When you are not where you need to be, not with the right person, and you don’t want to explain yourself, this is the best way out,” Stepan admits.
“When you are not focused on sex, on pleasure, your thoughts are occupied with something else and you want to finish all this as soon as possible,” Pavel adds.
“With one insatiable woman with whom I was in love,” Roman recalls. She wanted all the time. And when I couldn’t take it anymore, I pretended. But she didn’t notice anything.”
“You breathe louder and harder, imitate spasms, muscle contractions, strain everything … In general, you pretend. It’s better at the moment when she herself is already very excited and doesn’t notice anything but her pleasure, ”advises Konstantin.
Why pretend? “Because you don’t want to disappoint your girlfriend,” Maxim smiles. You want to please her. Well, look cool in bed.”
Well, men are the same women. So it turns out?