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Why are some couples happy and others not? It seems that it depends on life circumstances, the nature of partners, views on relationships and many other components. But in fact, the secret of a strong marriage lies in everyday little things.
Books, weekend seminars, and family therapy do not guarantee XNUMX% protection against relationship problems. However, the course of the relationship can be changed – for this it is enough to find out how happy couples differ from unhappy ones. Small changes will lead to noticeable results over time. The main thing is to support positive changes and not to slide into the old destructive patterns.
During one of the weekend workshops, we asked ourselves: is there a noticeable difference between couples whose relationships strengthen over time and the rest? The first guess is that happy couples put a lot of effort into working on relationships. But everything turned out to be wrong. There was only one difference – such couples give each other an extra six hours a week. What exactly these hours are spent on depends on the priorities and areas that need to be improved. However, we have identified several clear patterns.
The formula for a happy relationship includes six elements.
1. Plans for the day
Happy spouses try to find out about their partner’s plans before they say goodbye in the morning. It could be dinner with your best friend, a doctor’s appointment, or a scheduled call to your parents. The goal is to ask a question and find out what is good and not so waiting for your partner on this day.
Required time: 10 minutes per week (2 minutes per day, 5 days per week).
2. Meeting after work
When you meet at the end of the day, hug and kiss your partner for at least six seconds. Psychology professor John Gottman calls it “the kiss of opportunity.” A six-second kiss is a ritual of togetherness that makes you want to come home.
After the kiss, discuss how the day went. At this time, you will be able to show attention to each other and establish non-sexual intimacy. It will also help to learn about the problems that everyone faces outside of the relationship.
Required time: 1 hour 40 minutes per week (20 minutes per day, 5 days per week).
3. Recognition and admiration
It is important to find ways to express your love for your partner. I encourage my clients to keep an admiration journal. It helps you notice small pleasant actions and associate them with the qualities of a partner that you like.
First, your partner feels appreciated. Second, it encourages you to look for positive traits in your partner rather than focusing on the negative. For example: “Thank you for helping me wash the dishes last night. You are so kind and considerate.”
Required time: 35 minutes per week (5 minutes per day, 7 days per week).
4. Attraction
To keep in touch with each other, it is important to show physical attraction when you are around. Be sure to touch each other before falling asleep. A hug for a few minutes or a kiss goodnight is enough. Think of these moments as a way to release the stress that has built up throughout the day. Put in a kiss tenderness for a partner and a willingness to forgive him if you are in a quarrel.
Required time: 35 minutes per week (5 minutes per day, 7 days per week).
5. Dates
It is important to set aside time just for the two of you – in a romantic and relaxed atmosphere. During the date, ask questions and focus on each other. Think about what you can ask, for example: “Where would you like to spend your vacation?”, “How are you doing with your friends?”.
Required time: 2 hours per week.
6. Discussing problems
John Gottman’s research has shown that one hour a week spent discussing current relationship issues changes the way couples resolve conflicts. In my practice, I have noticed that such conversations give partners the opportunity to express their fears and concerns. They make them feel loved and listened to rather than rejected.
I suggest turning the conversation into a ritual and doing it every week at the same time. This time is sacred as it transforms relationships. However, during the conversation, it can be uncomfortable. What to do? Start with what has improved in the relationship since the last meeting. Next, note five positive things about your partner that you haven’t talked about before. Now discuss the difficulties that arose in the relationship.
To make the dialogue more effective, switch places – take turns speaking and listening. When you speak, be gentle so as not to offend your partner, and give examples. When you listen, try to understand what is bothering your spouse, do not judge him. If you are overwhelmed with emotions, take a break for 20 minutes and then continue.
When both partners feel that they were heard and understood, you can move on to a constructive solution to the problem. At the end of the conversation, each partner should ask the other, “What can I do to make you feel loved this week?”
Required time: 1 hour per week.
Total: 6 hours
As you can see, it’s not that much. If you sleep 8 hours a day, that’s only 5% of your waking time. The costs seem insignificant, but they make a huge contribution to maintaining relationships.