Good evening! We are starting the course today. In general, we will have six lessons on one of the most important topics in a person’s life: «How to be rewarded with a strong, healthy, happy family.» Apparently there is no person who would not wish this good for himself. Question: how to achieve this? Well, where does it all begin? Imagine a large, bright room. Hundreds of guests, in the middle of the chupa hall. All in flowers. Bright spotlights and all eyes on them. Under the chuppah, he and she. Loving look, sighs of relatives. Mom sobs: “Daughter, finally!”
Dad is crying, one buffet at the entrance, $1500. These are shouting: Maseltof. Others: Simenthof. The feeling that love is forever. Up there, they gave us a betrothed, and now we will live a happy life together until the grave. He and she, in order not to leave them without names, for the good of the cause, let’s call him Gregory, her Claudia. The wedding has died down, a week has passed, weekdays have come. Once, when Grigory returned tired from work, he lay down, and Claudia was busy around the house. She went in, went out, creaked the door, and he said to her: “Honey, don’t creak.” And Claudia, whose father, from time to time, under certain circumstances, told her mother: «Don’t squeak.» She reacted unexpectedly nervously: «Am I squeaking?»
Grigory felt tired, as if by hand, he jumped up, stood up: “Yes, you creak!”
Klava took a pose: “Grigory, you are wrong, in this house I will creak as I want, and you won’t tell me.”
— No, I’ll tell you so.
— I will scream!
— No, you won’t squeak.
— Oh, about the door!
Oh, the first quarrel was terrible, struck by her pettiness, after only five minutes of quarreling of the newlyweds, it turned out that they were strangers to each other. But, you know, as it happens in the evening, they reconciled. And three days later, they went to the market and bought a watermelon. And at home, Grigory, immediately undertook to cut the watermelon into two halves. Oh well. Afterwards, he wanted to explain that he only wanted to trim. She claimed not to trim, and he deliberately ate the sweet core of the watermelon himself. And they quarreled again. And then they reconciled again. And then, again, they quarreled about where to cross the street. She wanted to cross in this place, and he said that they don’t cross here, but he, that over there, ten meters, we’ll cross there. And so family life began. Or as someone said family sport, tug of war, who wins. Quarrels, reconciliations, insults, screams.
— I’m offended!
— No, I’m offended!
— I was offended first!
Not that love and romance, life is gone. In a year, we’ll find Claudia in front of a mirror. She examines herself carefully, ninety degrees, forty-five, thirty.
— Horror, what a view. I look like. And who is to blame? He. He is alone! He doesn’t care how I look, only he cares about the dishes, no matter how much you lick, everything is dirty to him. When was the last time you praised? What I bought, nothing to walk.
And once again, Claudia thought:
— Not mine, I should have married Aronchik. What I’m not smart.
And in a few more months, we will find Gregory and Claudia, on the way to the fair, and so the turn for a divorce. You can hear a lot of interesting things there, because of which they just don’t diverge. These — where to go abroad, others — what furniture to buy, and thirds — just tired. And what? Now it is. Tried, failed, divorce. The first quarrel, the difficulty is a divorce. Enough, enough, run away, replay. The first reaction is not mine, the names do not match. Well, tell me, here they are paired, in heaven. And how many there are who want to find a couple, try to match everyone exactly. Most likely, they mixed me up, put me in the wrong place, I should have gone to Aronchik. Tell me, is divorce so easy? It’s so easy, who’s to say? Divorce is a severe trauma for both spouses and parents. After that, they climb the wall, from humiliation, from loneliness, and their children are orphans with living parents. And yet, divorce. Why? After all, you can try again later. But not scary. True, children appear from somewhere, get confused under their feet. It doesn’t work out, a little something is not right, again a divorce. You can try it for the fourth time, but I’m only 54 years old. A generation of special slacking. We live for today. More and more around disposable. Used — thrown away. Not only household items, but also attitudes towards people. The first signs of problems are the dumping of relationships with friends. So in marriage, we do not like responsibility, restrictions, difficulties, obligations to each other. In principle, now we don’t want a family either. And even more so children, with hard dogs. In a word, family devastation. And, you ask: what, there are no happy families? There is. From time to time, we hear about them. Someone recently said that in Krasnoyarsk, there is one family. «And we — you scream — are we not happy?» Well, this question is sincere, one should ask oneself. But the statistics, the statistics around the world are depressing. Here, in the Tel Aviv area, divorces reach 60%. More precisely, 40% do not get divorced. Recently I heard that the number of divorces is decreasing, I was already delighted, but then someone explained to me that this number of marriages is simply decreasing.
So. Why are they getting divorced? Before we try to figure out why they get divorced. Let me ask you all a question: if it’s so easy to get a divorce, why get married in the first place? I am asking you this question rhetorically. In the old days, I did ask the audience, give all the puzzled listeners a two-minute pause, as a rule, they entered into a dead end. Just never thought: why get married. Typical answers, I tried to systematize and tried to present here. The most typical instinctive answer, that is, the very answer, is not to answer: «For children.» You hear why we get married — for children. Not for myself, everything for the children. Twenty-four hours a day of marriage, all for the kids. Everything can be thrown at them. And another, typical answer given:
— Well, what do you ask, does a person think about it at all?
Without much thought, like everyone else. Everyone is getting married, and I am getting married. If I had thought about it, I probably would not have married. And those who are younger, answer so. As one of their representatives once said: «We marry to satisfy intimate needs in a legal way.»
— Well, how far can you run?
And those who are older say bluntly: “It’s more convenient to attach a personal life.”
You can take more court if you get married. And as one man said: “Divide the difficulties into two parts. Not all on my shoulders alone, half on her. And she was sitting nearby, and said: «And what is on me, I am on him.»
But from women, we, at times, can hear very sincere answers, they say directly: “Well, you know, so that it would not be so boring.” «To have someone to talk to.» But one woman said: “What, I’ll stay alone, but who will bring tea, a heating pad?”. It is better to get married than to climb a wall from loneliness. You hear? You hear a list of our real reasons why we get married. Weird. But each other before the wedding, they said something else. They said: «I love you, Claudia.» How so? And we, the backward ones, believed that the only reason was because of love. Yes, the same love that millions of people around the world are looking for. They search for this extraordinary feeling, find it, and after a while they part with great suffering. And then, we will return to the question: «Why?» After all, everyone married for love.
Let’s go back and buy into this issue. Why are they getting divorced. Let us return for this to Gregory and Claudius. Well, in such a purely secular version. After all, they really loved each other. It all started out great and romantic. I’ll tell you, they met on the bus, they were sitting side by side, on the same bench. It began to rain outside, and he took out an umbrella and opened it on the bus. And the music played. They were so cool and happy to sit next to each other. And their wings began to grow. And they started dating. And they treated family life very conscientiously. Not like, there are such daters, they are called, they have three meetings, bam wedding. And after that they announce: «Claudia suddenly got married.» Well, on the other hand, not like modern youth, he will romantically fool her for seven-eight years, and at the end he will say to her: “You know, I want novelty in life.”
She says: «What — what?»
She says: «I’m tired. Understood?»
And she is already under thirty years old, starting all over again. Go sign up at the dating bureau. No, Gregory and Claudia, they were not like that, they met for only four years, everything was fine, they went to Turkey three times, and even once were in Paris. Everything was like in a movie, and everything was against the background of music. And their favorite singer, Bill Shpil, tore their throats for them. And the stereos that they bought in duty free, at the airport, are not just from them. They were all about love, romantically. Married, divorced. Why? Because they loved each other so much. Where has love gone? About love we will have a separate lesson. But let’s open it up a bit now.
Love, a storm of feelings, a hurricane fall into love, fall in love head over heels, diarrhea, and some up to the back of the head. Love is entirely emotional, it is not rational. It’s hard to say: I thought, and decided to fall in love. This feeling is not in our power. Suddenly captured, thundered, but just as suddenly, it may disappear. Falling in love comes without warning and leaves without asking permission. And then, one fine morning, he looks at her:
Claudia, are you?
She woke up and blinked her eyes.
— Klava.
— What.
— I do not love you anymore.
— Oh, you said you love me.
What, am I a liar? Yes, I really loved you, but I don’t love you now.
Will you tell your heart? BUT? Tell? I ask you, will you order your heart? Is it possible to love? No. Therefore, no complaints.
So, the question: why they diverge, we reduced to the question: where did love disappear. Where does love go? On this occasion, our sages have a very interesting, figurative description. I am telling this on behalf of the famous Rabbi Mikuts. Once he was with his Hasid, and this Hasid, he ate fish with great appetite. Noticing the gaze of his Rabbi on himself, the Hasid, in such a self-justifying tone, said:
“Rabbi, I love fish.
And the Rabbi, as if he was waiting for this, he jumped:
— Do you like fish? You love yourself. You love the taste of fish on your tongue. If you loved fish, you would build an aquarium for them. You would plant algae there, you would put pebbles in this aquarium. And I would paint them in different colors so that it would not be boring. This is what love is. So do we. Under the chuppah stood two people overflowing with love. Touching and real love, lofty and inspirational love, eternal love, for yourself or for her. Under the chuppah stood two fish gourmets, under the chuppah stood two complete egoists, each with a long list of what he wants to get from this marriage. And, well, tell me what exactly these words mean: «I love you?»
“My dear, my dear, you are the best storehouse of pleasure that I have found.
She told him:
— Dear, my, better than you, no one will solve my problems.
“Darling, my love, how wonderful it is to be married. No need to run anywhere, all the pleasures are at hand. He raised his right eyebrow, a hearty dinner drove up, with a fresh newspaper. He batted his eyelashes and scratched his back.
— My dear, beloved, you are the best tool for hammering nails. And I especially love you when you take me for a walk, to a cafe, a cultural place, and even better, abroad, abroad.
You hear, this is love. Where has love gone? She never was. What happened? There was love for oneself, and for the pleasures that spouses give to each other. Saturation came and love disappeared. And then the romantic veil, called love, falls from the eyes, and the terrible reality becomes clear. In the same house, in the same room, in the same bed, two strangers. And bursts of fishy love alternate with bursts of animal hatred. Two egoists, two egoists, and you don’t have to look far for examples. Well, tell me, when was the last time my husband thought: is my wife happy with me? And when the wife asked herself for the last time: my husband, is he happy with me? Mostly absorbed in thought: am I happy, am I feeling good?
And when does it all start? Even from how, for example, a young man chooses his life partner. Under the telescope, examines it from all angles, down to microns, is everything in its place? To not miss. And for what? What impression will it make on friends, parents, relatives. So I’ll go with her, and everyone will gasp. Well, he took a better bite, or not. How is she in relation to the wives of friends. Or let’s take it, for example, have you ever heard how menus are ordered in a dating agency:
— I, please, such, average fatness. Younger, fried than such that it was with pepper. Well, and a hard worker. And in another young man, the appetite is different. Yes, get married, and what will get. There is an apartment, money, maybe dad is the boss, uncle is Russian, new? But the so-called religious, new, better?
A young girl, about forty years old, comes to Shedov. Looking for a life partner. I ask:
— Who are you looking for?
“You know what I want most of all is for him to understand me.
Do you hear, do you know what it is to understand? To accept me for who I am. And what is she like?
— I get up at eleven, cafe, manicure, pedicure, massage, I don’t know how to cook, but I don’t smoke either. Well, to understand, understand. Me, me, for me, here, to me, come on, me, turn to me. Now we wonder why 60% get divorced? It’s a miracle that the remaining 40% get along.
Well, let’s write with you, in more detail, the central event in the life of the family for the whole day. The return of her husband from work home: Gregory is on the bus, and he has time to think about life. On this day, he had to talk to his boss, and, as you know, all bosses are not smart. And at the same time, he remembered a conversation with his colleague, who told him everything he thought about him. And at the same time, it was unbearably hot, and the air conditioner had deteriorated. And besides, at the entrance to the bus, his leg was pinched. And so, in this state, he goes home, thinks and reflects:
-Who do I work for? For whom do I work hard from morning to evening? For whom? For the wife! After all, what do I need? A piece of bread, more, salt, less? Some water, a tap, and a bunk place. For whom should I plow like that? For her. Well, at least I’d cook something for dinner. And if not, then at least she should meet, stand at attention. Here, with such thoughts, Gregory opens the door. And there, no one is there, no one is waiting for him. I sniffed it, there was no smell from the kitchen.
Where is Claudia? After all, she is not a miss either. She also works for him. In general, she works in three shifts, in the morning at work, for her husband, the second shift — for the children, the same for her husband. And the third shift is just for the husband. Husband should appreciate it, huh? Of course it should. Here she is waiting to be appreciated. Come, come here, come into the kitchen, with the flowers. Look how I started chopping a cucumber for you. And, in principle, Claudia had the whole day to think about her hard share. Why do I work like a bee. After all, what do I need? A small piece of bread, a small one, a little dietary margarine, a cot, well, what else do I need? She, as a rule, does not cook anything for herself, everything is for her husband. And here they are, meeting after work. He is everything to her, and she is everything to him, that’s the meeting.
Or another scene. Hot day. The husband returns home, he came in exhausted, all dead, dead. A few minutes later, the wife tumbles in there, collapsed on the sofa. All right, I’m dead. What to expect from a house where two dead men meet after work? Well, what happens in such a family? Is the attempt to live a happy life doomed to failure in advance? Is marriage really marriage? No chance? And if anyone asks. Have you told us before about a Jewish family? But the container promises us a happy family life. Has the plan of the Creator failed? Indeed, in life, it would seem, the opposite is true. This is a fundamental question that needs to be answered. Let’s try to understand this with an example:
Imagine that you have bought a new home appliance. As is sometimes customary, you need to assemble it yourself. You came home, the first thing, the instructions in the urn. Someone else will tell you how to assemble the devices. The scientist himself. So, by eye, one, two, collected. And it doesn’t work. Oh, shoemakers, they don’t know how to do it. Return to the store, everyone is to blame, except for him alone.
So it is with us, we build a family without instructions, by eye, approximately. This is how she turns out. It is not clear what the newlyweds are counting on. Well, those who, for the second or third time, even know what awaits them, but the newly-made husband and wife, how do they know how to start a family? Who taught them? All by intuition, by touch. A clear idea of what awaits them in family life is only in two places in their future home, in the bedroom and in the kitchen. And these notions, as many complain, were exaggerated. And in all other places, and in the remaining time. Well, how will it be. And if it doesn’t work? Let’s break up and try again. It won’t work, again. You see, it doesn’t work, so the creator is wrong. There are no recipes for happiness. He is not right? Or have we not read the instructions on how to build a family? And if yes, they carefully read, disassembled, digested, assimilated, then they would understand what this recipe is, what is the secret of family happiness. This is the topic of our lesson.
The Jewish view of the family is completely different. This is a completely different concept. Diametrically opposed to conventional wisdom. To such an extent that when I was preparing this lesson, I doubted for a long time whether it was necessary to talk about it. Well, on the other hand, not talking about it would be even less clear. Therefore, we will digress and try to only hint at what is written in Tory. But first, let’s touch on the recent past. Wherever you live. The Jewish family has always been an example for everyone. She was a little different, warmer, stronger. There was more fidelity, mutual understanding, was distinguished by calmness and love. Jewish husbands were famous: they don’t drink, they don’t beat, they bring their wages home. This secret was passed down from mother to daughter, from father to son in the Jewish family. But, in our time, this chain of knowledge has broken. This subtle wisdom is largely lost now. Why? Our Jewish world has become not quite Jewish. Well, not Jewish at all. Therefore, the only way out is to start learning it again. And if this idea seems wild and incomprehensible to someone, I want to ask you. Tell me: to study as an engineer and as a doctor — yes, of course, of course. And learning to be a husband and wife is not clear, it is not necessary. Ultimately, the main success in a man’s life depends primarily on who his wife is. A wife’s whole life changes depending on who her husband is. Being a husband and wife is a profession that requires not only knowledge, training, but also constant professional development. Therefore, at 40 and at 50 years old, you need to learn this. And for those who live according to the laws of Tara, this is just an ego duty.
- So, let’s get back to clarifying the question, what is the meaning of marriage? Jewish thought has never been content with a superficial understanding of the world. She always looked for the cause of causes in everything. As they say, we were looking for answers to the questions of our fundamental existence. Why was this world created? What is the purpose of human existence? What is the meaning of my personal stay in this world? Without answers to these questions, it is not clear why to live, and how to live. The same is true for marriage. Why does it exist? What is its meaning? Why marry? Let’s sharpen this question. Note that animals do not marry. Have you ever seen a sheep that butted a ram, how much can you? When is the wedding? No, they have no need for a family. You know, I can’t resist expanding the question even further. You know, there are people who insist that they are descended from apes. By the way, those who insist on this, as a rule, do not dispute, it is quite possible that this is so with them. So, it is interesting to know, as a curiosity, according to their opinion, what evolutionary process led the primary creations to the need for separation into male and female principles. Indeed, for evolutionary development, reproduction would be optimal, like unicellular ones. The division of individuals into male and female, lowers by several orders of magnitude that this species will adapt and survive. Well, if the answer to this question? So why is there a need for a separation at all between male and female? What is a family for? What is marriage for? After all, from a person, it could be different: he went to bed, scratched seven times under his arm, lay down for three hours, sneezed, two got up. For procreation, it is not necessary to be he and she. So what is marriage for? We find the answer in the container. Indeed, initially man was created bisexual. And at some stage, the creator divided them into two parts, male and female. Why, for what? We find the answer in Parashat Baryshi, it is said there as follows: “It is not good for a person to be alone. I will make him a helper against him.» In this exposition of the container, there are two parts. “It is not good to be alone, so the second part, I will make him an assistant.” This is how a wife appears.
I don’t understand the first part, and I don’t understand the second part. Let’s take a look at the first one first. As a rule, it is translated: it is not good to be alone. This translation is not entirely accurate. So it immediately raises a lot of questions. It is not good to be alone, that is, what is the reason that the Creator created the male and female principles.
— Well, what will I be alone, as you say, boring — so there must be a wife.
And others will ask:
Is it true that it is not good to be alone?
After all, take a closer look, let’s do a little experiment. All of us will now go to the crossroads, and stop there. People mostly stop at red. And look at random faces. I assure you, you will be able to recognize, without difficulty. Here is this bachelor, bachelor, married, bachelor, married, married, bachelor. It’s very simple, if you see a guy who is so cheerful, cheerful, full of hope and energy — this is a bachelor. And you see, a man so nailed down, tired, with a wandering look, carrying some bags — this is a married man. So, is it good to be alone or not? The opposite is true. So the meaning in the words of the Torah is different. How to understand. And so the great commentator, Thores Forno, tells us why it is not good to be alone. He explains: if a person does not reach the goal of his existence, if he alone has to cope with all the vicissitudes and needs of life. Revolution. I will read it again: do not reach a person, the goal of his existence, if he alone has to cope with all the vicissitudes and needs of life. Not even close to what we might have imagined. One cannot do anything in life. We will lose everything, we will not achieve any goal. That is, we see that a person has a purpose of existence. Without going into this colossal topic, let’s say in general, and in a simple way: «The peak of human existence lies in achieving its perfection.» A person cannot remain what he is. The way he was born, a person must change himself, make himself better, this is the reason for marriage. Therefore, a more correct translation: «It is not good for a person to be alone.» Friedlander says: «A person cannot become good, that is, close to the ideal of goodness, perfection, if he is alone.» The meaning of this is that the more a person does good, the more kind he becomes. Therefore, the Creator divided the man and the woman so that they could do good with each other, correcting and perfecting themselves. Therefore, for example, it is impossible to learn goodness on a desert island. We need an object for whom to do good. She needs a wife and she needs a husband. So, the purpose of marriage is to turn yourself into a good, perfect person. And the means to do so is to do good to one another. Let’s translate these very, very high ideals into a more concrete understanding. So, as we said, a person cannot remain as he is. He must strive for perfection, only here is the problem, striving for perfection suggests that we are not yet perfect 31:20. That is, we have flaws that allow us to do good. It turns out that in order to become perfect, you need to know your shortcomings. Do we know them? Your own, your own shortcomings, not someone else’s. With other people’s problems, no, do we understand ourselves. If we do an experiment with you and distribute a blank sheet of paper, and ask everyone to answer the question: Who am I? And there will be a long list: am I proud, am I jealous, stingy, toady, am I stubborn, maybe I am envious? We know? We don’t know anything? Man is blind to himself. And then, since a person does not know and cannot know who he is, the Creator sends him an assistant, a wife, who will tell him who he is. It will help to find out who he really is, and what he lacks. And she certainly won’t miss anything. After all, the husband is sometimes not at home, so cultured, he will let the lady go ahead, he is an intellectual, he reads poetry, the soul is a man. He will go home, put on slippers, become the way he is. So half-starved, a little — a little nervous, a little upset, dissatisfied, a little silly. Apart from the creator, only the wife knows who the husband really is. Wives, do not celebrate. Husbands also know very well who their wives really are. So here she is, he won’t miss anything. Came home, there she sits. Contra, against. Always against, tell me, is the wife always against? Not always, sometimes we see she is for her husband, sometimes she is against him. Now we will understand what is written in the second part, in Tori’s proposal. It is said there: it is not good for a man to be alone, therefore I will make a helper against him. It is completely incomprehensible what the assistant against him means. If this is an assistant, then this is for him, and not against. And if against, then this is not an assistant, a contradiction. The sages say: they were rewarded with understanding and fulfilling the purpose of marriage, she is a helper, they were not rewarded with this — she is against him. Family life really becomes heaven when the wife is the helper. She is for her husband, and he is for her. But, on the other hand, it can be hell if the wife is against her husband. And the sages said about this: a husband and wife, they will be rewarded in the presence of the creator himself, will be in their house, they will not be rewarded — reap the fire of enmity. Deserve what? Reward the consciousness of what. This is what our job is about. But, here, we will only say one general thought, what needs to be honored in order for there to be happiness in the house, to be honored with the understanding that family life has meaning and value in itself, and requires tremendous efforts to achieve happiness in the family. We must be honored with the understanding that the family is a gigantic responsibility for each other. We do not say, like Russians, marriage, but they say “nosuim”, from the word nose, as the Russians say, in translation, to wear. The literal translation, the words to marry, is «noseisha» that is, to carry a wife. That is, take responsibility for it. You see how the unusually precise language of the Torah differs35 22 from the Russian language, which also turned out to be very accurate. Which is called “blah”. And if we are worthy of everything, about what we are going to talk about here, and the presence of the creator himself will be in the house. We will not be rewarded — the fire of eternal disputes will be present in this house. And it all depends on what, on who will be married. Assistant or opponent, and at the same time, of course, who will be the husband, leader or follower. Well, let’s try to expand more specifically, from a slightly different angle, understanding of this issue. Let’s look at four options. Recall that the intention of the creator is to help a person build and develop himself. Therefore, we sometimes meet a person who himself is looking for spiritual development and perfection. And if his wife helps him in this, supports him in difficult times, prompts, reminds, encourages, then she is an assistant. Then they were rewarded with happiness in their home. And if the wife, on the contrary, for example, the husband was going to classes, and she told him: “What are you, lie down, it will pass.” Here she is against him — they did not deserve it. And it happens that the husband is no longer looking for anything, he is already well. Sucked on the Bermuda Triangle. To the right is a refrigerator, to the left is a TV, behind, I’m sorry, a toilet. And he sits in the middle in an easy chair, presses on the buttons. And if his wife cries out: “Well, how long can you sit, how much you can eat in order to work, and work in order to eat. Do not be like an autumn leaf, wherever the wind blows, it will beat it there. So you’re nailed here sitting. Get up, shake yourself up, don’t sit in all this, go, learn wisdom, for which you got married, correct yourself. “Here is the helper, this is what he has been rewarded with. And it only seems that she is against him, in fact she is for him. And if everything is the opposite, if she sits down, yawning peacefully, next to him, then she is against him. This family, there is nothing not to be honored. Apparent calm, quickly replaced by a volcano of displeasure, hostility. Our happiness is in our hands, and if we are rewarded, we will become one. After all, a husband cannot achieve anything without a wife, and a wife without a husband. They complement each other, give each other what he lacks. And as we have already said, the Creator created man with two hollows. That is, one, and after that he divided them. Now we must look for our other half in order to merge with it into a single whole. And who does not do this, the container does not even call such a bachelor a man. He is only half, in other words, a husband without a wife — unfinished. It’s not good to be alone, you have to look for your half and make every effort to merge with it into a single whole.
After the theoretical consideration, let’s move on to the practical. How to achieve this merger? Before we give a detailed answer to this, let’s give a parable. It will help us understand much deeper issues of family relationships. And at the same time, it will prepare us to answer the question: What is the secret of family happiness.
“I’m talking about a man who really wanted to know what was going on in the world to come. So he went on an excursion to heaven and hell. Well, first he was shown hell. Once in it, he was simply taken aback by the amazing picture. In front of him was a huge, magnificent, banquet hall, bursting with exquisite tables, and people were sitting and eating. Having measured, confusion and bewilderment, he was asked to take a closer look. And then he was completely horrified when it turned out that all the participants in the meal had meter-long forks and knives tied to their hands, which prevented them from bending their arms and bringing food to their mouths. With a completely exhausted look, and saliva at their mouths, they again and again tried to pry something on a fork, while injuring everyone around them, and getting dirty in all this food, nothing gets into their mouths, this is real hell. Immediately the visitor asked to show the sights of paradise. To his surprise, he saw there the same beautiful hall, and the same guests with meter devices tied to their hands, and for some reason they looked full and satisfied. He looked at it and gasped in surprise. They skillfully moved their forks, but did not try to stuff something into their mouths, they fed each other. Carefully asking what his neighbor would like. Hey, this is heaven.»
In this parable, there are two possible levels of marital relationship. The first is when spouses try to satisfy only their personal needs. Two complete egoists, focused on themselves and only on themselves. Ultimately, they are doomed to eternal suffering, and their family life is a living hell. And the second level is when spouses care and support each other. After all, the atmosphere of joy and complete mutual understanding reigns in the house. Their home is a true paradise.
But, if we look around us, we will see that the same pair of complete egoists is found in life, but rarely. We also meet a happy couple from paradise, but much, much less often. In life, we will often find the third option, we will describe the ego in an allegorical form:
The same room, the same meal, the same meter-long forks, and they even feed each other in the same way. But, only their dialogue is different:
— Claw, sausages, that’s right.
— Today cucumbers, peeled, without salt. I am on a diet. On the. Grisha, and over there on the left, caviar, red, kosher, can I?
“I don’t like her, take the meat, it’s delicious.” On the.
Claudia, I want to eat.
— Self-service. Today I’m tired.
— Lion, there are fresh buns!
— Get fat, breathe deeply.
These dialogues, you can easily continue. These are the relationships we tend to meet more often. Husband and wife, yes, want to receive from each other. But they understand what needs to be given. The problem is that they are not aware that their needs are different. They give each other, or what they themselves would like to receive, or what is convenient for them to give at this moment. You hear, I will repeat one more time, the whole problem is that we give our spouses either what we ourselves would like to receive or simply what is convenient for us to give at this moment. And mistakenly, they believe that this is what the spouse expects from us. It turns out that we are not egoists to take, we turn out to be egoists to give. This is the root of evil, this is a diagnosis. We want for ourselves and for ourselves, even when we help and serve our spouse. We give them, but not what they need. And how should it be? So, we have come to an ingeniously simple and unusually difficult recipe for family happiness. In a family, one gives to the other what the spouse needs and expects to receive from him. You hear what the spouse needs and wants from him. You need to know what your husband wants, what your wife wants, and give it to him. And then, when one gives to another, what the other lacks, then they merge into a single whole, there is no more: I am separate and I am separate, but we are. And then we will understand that famous episode from the life of the famous Rabbi Arabia, from Jerusalem. When he came with his wife to the doctor, and said to him: «Doctor, my wife’s leg hurts us.» To us, you hear, to us, there is no more I, we are — this is our business. And this is not a pure theory, and beautiful ideas, but directly, an instruction for action. Now we have come to the main part of our lesson, we have come to the secret of family happiness. It is written in golden letters in the books of Jewish legality. We will now open with you, the colossal work of Rambam “Rabbi Moshe Ben Maimon. It’s mine. » And together we will teach «Olokhot and the Jester» with you. The thousand-year-old laws of the Jewish family are written here, describing the needs of a man and a woman, faithful for all time. At the beginning, he turns to a man, pay attention, the sages commanded, whether you want or don’t want, like or dislike — this is Jewish law, as obligatory as the Sabbath. So: “A husband is obliged to respect his wife more than himself, and to love as himself. And if he has material means, he must repay her according to his capabilities. And so that he does not instill undue fear on her, and speaks softly to her, and is not sad and quick-tempered. Well, let’s take it word for word. It is not customary for us to read, it is customary for us to learn everything very carefully, carefully. The first commandment to husbands: «Love your wives.» This is the basic thing our wives need. The Creator created a woman in such a way that she has a colossal need to be loved. And if a husband does not give his wife the feeling that she is loved, the sages say that he is close to killing her. And on the other hand, if a husband gives his wife a feeling of love, she is able to walk up to the tank and move it. Just don’t drag your wives to the military base to see how much you love her. Remember that from childhood, a woman’s nature is to please, and she expects her husband to love her.
— I don’t love her.
Who is asking you. It is necessary to love, pretend that you love, and more, more, get used to it, and so love. And love should not be in the heart, but expressing it in an open form.
Claudia, I love you.
To love is to buy her favorite flowers, sometimes to wash the dishes instead of her. To love is to be responsible, not only for providing your wife with consumer goods, but first of all for your wife to be happy with you. And a whole list of duties, to which we will devote a whole lesson in the future. So, Jewish law obliges you to respect your wife more than yourself. First of all, it is expressed in attention to her desires and needs. To do this, the husband must first know a few keywords that will help change the whole atmosphere in the house. The wife comes home or the husband returns from work. What is the first thing he asks her?
How do you feel, are you tired?
you will immediately see how the wife is melting. And then she will tell you how she really feels, how terribly she got drunk all day. Tara obliges us to take an interest in her needs and prefer them to our own. How? For example, you arrived at a hotel, approached the door, the husband says to his wife, in a commanding tone: “Stop.” He opens the door himself, says: I’ll check if there are bandits there. But in fact, he went to check which pillow is softer so that his wife gets it. Buns, stale, chew yourself, and give the fresher to your wife. Meat, chicken, there is a light, dry part, and there is a dark part, tastier. Here’s to the wife — it’s tastier, and eat the other part yourself. Watermelon, it’s hot outside, my husband tumbles home, the first move to the refrigerator, maybe a cold watermelon there. Yes, there is, the last piece. Before biting him, the husband stopped dead in his tracks: «respect your wife more than yourself.» Put it back and closed the refrigerator. A wife runs in, first of all a refrigerator, sees a piece of watermelon: “Oh, thank you, my Creator, for creating a piece of cold watermelon.” And her husband: «What a creation, it’s me.» So it should be, respect more than yourself. We must sympathize with her, take into account her feelings, thoughts — this is respect.
We continue the analysis of Om BAM. Second: «If a man has money, he rewards her according to his income.» Our rule, and it is clear to everyone. This is even simple common sense can tell us. A person should live within his means, wisely managing his property. Do not splurge on violent or moderate fantasies. Do not spend money in vain, but only if possible, out of need. But, for the wife, you can spend more. Men, don’t get down. Living within your means is about you, but as far as your wives are concerned, it can be a little more than within your means. For example: the wife noticed beautiful sandals in the window. And she loudly expressed her positive opinion about their aesthetics and quality. After dinner, the husband brings his wife a surprise, a box, and there. And you can buy a dress for 600 shekels, but my wife liked it more for 800, striped. Do not be nervous, praise your wife for good taste, step aside, and cry a little. Then, go back to the checkout and pay. And who will buy gifts for three Jewish holidays on Sand, Shevot and Sukhot? Husband. No money, what then? Not released, let him make something with his own hands, the wife will appreciate it even more. Men, don’t lose the line of reasoning. We continue, it is said: «And do not put unnecessary fear on her.» You hear, excessive fear is impossible, but simply fear is possible, and not only possible, but also necessary. Understand, if the wife does not have a minimum fear of her husband, then there is no talk of love, it will be a disaster. The husband will go home, and the wife has just talked to her friend. And if there is no fear, she will show him with gestures, like a traffic controller at a crossroads, the direction to the kitchen, go, look for food there, in the refrigerator area. And she herself will finish an hour with a friend, on a very important topic. And after that, she won’t understand why she doesn’t succeed in the family. How often, unfortunately, we do not see the connection between cause and effect. And what is the reason? There is no little fear in front of her husband. So, excessive fear is not allowed, it is forbidden. But, just a little, so that the wife feels that her husband has entered the house, the wall has entered the house, on which you can lean — that’s it, it should be. And do not worry, wives love it, the main thing is not to raise your voice more than necessary. Therefore, Rhombam continues to tell us: «And he should speak to her gently, calmly, gently.» What we learn from here — we need to say. The husband who does not speak to his wife and who does not allow her to tell and express her impressions of the day is close to killing her. She’s already been killed twice. How many families are there that are falling apart because of this. It’s so simple, you came home, and there is a wife, ask her two words: how are you? And now just listen. «It’s so hard» — eat and listen. She will tell you all the events of the day. This one died, she gave birth there, they sold her here, that one was robbed, she met that one, they decided there. Tell, tell, listen. So the first thing is to talk to your wife. To speak is her great need, it is her need, so we must give it to her. But when we tell her how to do it, calmly, gently, we must speak gently with our wives. Do not growl, do not hiss, do not bark.
Rombam continues to say: “You can’t be sad and sad for your husband.” There are husbands, how they got married — they were sad. Will come home like a shadow. Near the wall, so, sideways, sideways to the chair, settle down, and sit down to worry. Hypochondriac, what a depression on the third quarter. 54:35 Men, your wife, yes, she may be in such a state, she may be due to her status. But you can’t. The wife wants her husband to come in, life enters the house, everything starts to boil in the house, the husband comes in, he enters this room, she follows him, he goes to the kitchen, she follows him. Everything is in full swing in the house, the husband is responsible for the atmosphere of joy in the house. He knocked, opened the door in joy, with a smile, threw the children to the ceiling, his wife. He greeted her, told her a joke, not a stupid one, some kind of joke, wives want a husband, and not the walls propped him up.
And the last thing the sages commanded us: «A husband should not be quick-tempered.» They know the soul of a man: husbands, do not be quick-tempered. The wife should not see your distorted, angry face and hear your ability to raise high tones and octaves. Why do people sometimes scream? From impotence. Somewhere he was pissed off, he messed up something at work, had a fight, came home, just waiting for an excuse to pour it all on her. You can’t do it, it’s forbidden. Tell me, are you eating taref? The meat of a roundish animal, with a heel and a tail, do you eat it? No. In the same way, you cannot be angry and flare up at your wife, who allowed you to do this. We went home, leave all your problems outside, outside the door, let them wait for you there, then go out and pick them up again. Let’s clarify, we went home, with a smile on our face, calmly, as if nothing had happened, and after five minutes, you can return to your thoughts and problems — and your wife will sympathize with you. This is the minimum of what the container commands us and requires from us, the rest we will say in detail in a separate lesson, this is the secret of what wives expect from us. This is what we have to give them. Well, the men took the first blow, now the women get ready. Now it’s your turn to find out what your husbands expect from us, tune in.
And the wise men commanded the recipes of wisdom for the wife. Same command:
First: «Respect your husband more than you should.» We rarely see such an extreme in Jewish thought. More than it should. In Judaism, any extreme is not revered at all. But, here, you see how important it is. You have to respect your husband much, much more than you think. Understand that the basic need of a man is a sense of power. He is the leader, leading, main, central, chief. He is a general, a captain, he wants to command a fleet. He is the head of a large concern, he wins everyone. He came home, his wife: “Ah, it’s you. Throw away the garbage, at least some sense will come from you. Do you know what the main complaint of husbands is: the wife does not respect. Dear wives, you want a husband in the house so that the man is in the house. Give him the feeling that he is a man. A wife can make a man out of her husband, and can destroy all his masculine qualities. The wife is required to respect him and his male pride. You ask how? First of all: if you want power, get it. Well, let’s gradually, first you need to learn a few key, magic words. The husband came home from work, what words does his wise wife meet with? Write down: «Oh, what would I do without you.» Just tell him this, you will see how your husband immediately blossoms, how he straightens his shoulders, he will feel that now he bears the burden of the whole family. He is a man, he is responsible. He will immediately respond: «Wife, what needs to be beaten.» You have to give him the feeling that you can’t live without him, which is worth it, once every two weeks. If it happens more often, he will suspect what you were told at the lecture. There was already a case. One brought flowers to his wife, and said: “Here, Klav,” he said, buy you flowers. And the other one, who returned from class, immediately quoted so directly: “Here, I heard what I need to tell you, so that I can do without you.” Therefore, wives, you need to be smarter, you need to vary. The same thing can be said differently. A week later, the husband comes in — «Oh, how I missed you.» He — «Yes, my wife is waiting for me.» Straighten your shoulders again, well, is it hard? It’s my pleasure. Like a lump in my throat. I advise you to write down on paper, but not to read, but to memorize. Once again, it will work. After all, it is said: respect more than necessary. Well, how exactly? The husband came, excited, heard the news on the way, was indignant: how can it be, they mixed everything up, it shouldn’t be like that, well, smart, eternal animal with long ears, they don’t understand. And you sit and listen with your mouth open.
— What are you, you are right, indeed, yes, yes, if you were in their place, everything would be different. Write, write to the newspaper, you will be heard, everything will get better.
This is how a wife should treat her husband with undisguised interest. Sometimes, he said some stupid joke, and you: “Oh, I never knew you had such a sense of humor.” He smiled at you, and you tell him: «Oh, how romantic you are.» And what, the husband said stupid — keep silent, said smart — praise. The husband lifted the chair with one hand.
Grisha, how strong you are.
Gather all the children and shout in unison: «Our dad can do everything.» What does it cost you, dear wives, because this is the recipe for your happiness, everything is in your hands. You will remember this, you can even write it down for yourself: “When a man is admired, admired and simply appreciated, he feels confident and is able to express love for you.” Write it down.
Further, the second: «To be afraid of her husband.» Yes, fear, but not from the fact that he can hit you in the teeth, this is not even approximately discussed in the Jewish family, here we mean reverence. Trembling before the husband is the fear: “What if my husband stops loving me, what if he sees me not combed, with beds on my head.” If there is such fear and reverence for her husband, then she will not forget that her husband asked to heat the water for his arrival. And put a check in the bank and the whole house will look completely different, everything will be different.
Rambam continues to say one more command: “Before you start anything new, you need to ask your husband.” What is it worth? How many disputes in the house because of women’s amateur performances. If I had asked, I would have said yes. Due to the fact that she didn’t ask, she made a scandal: “Who is the boss in the house?” What is it worth to you, ask him, and then do what you want. After all, he is still busy reading the newspaper. Now listen, listen.
Another command of the Rambam: «So that the husband is in your eyes, like a minister or the king himself.» You hear, your husband is a king. I want to ask you frankly if you know that in 15 minutes the king will come to your house. How will you be dressed? The house will be cleaned, dinner will be prepared. What is missing is imagination and understanding that your husband is a king. It is strange to hear about this, in our advanced twenty-first century. But, listen to what the footage of two thousand years ago says. This footage conveys the advice of a wise mother to her daughter before her wedding.
“My daughter, stand before your husband as before a king and serve him like a slave.” If you serve him, he will be your slave and will honor you like a princess. But, if you want to dominate him, then he will be your master, and will treat you like a contemptible servant. Here are these incomprehensible, outdated words: slave, king, maid, they are not from our world. But, from the fact that we use these words, the meaning changes? No, he doesn’t change. After all, every wife wants to be a queen. This is understandable, it is not obsolete, I am a queen, I am a queen — this is not obsolete. And if you want to be a queen, it’s very simple. Magnify your husband, make him a king, he will be a king, you will be a princess, a queen. And your house will be like a palace. So that you know, a wife who surrounds her husband with respect begins to feel her own special femininity, softness, and gradually acquires, yes, yes, acquires royal greatness.
And the Rambam also says: “A wife must foresee what her husband wants. A wife needs to know that her husband loves her.» You know, there are housewives who are taken by surprise every time by the fact that every evening the husband wants to eat again. This is not what is written here, not how it should be. It is said: follow the desire of his heart. — I make dumplings for him, my husband loves dumplings. My husband loves tea, two and a half spoons of sugar, a slice of lemon, and when chilled, I will cook everything for him. It is said: “She follows in the footsteps of his desires,” and after that it is added and said: “Everything that the husband does not like, move away from him quickly, remove the mountain of laundry on his bed. Love the smell of specific perfumes, but he doesn’t — ventilate the apartment, the red robe annoys him — change clothes. In other words, the husband came in, and you immediately, once in a chair, let him sit to catch his breath, and immediately began to drive away the flies from him with a fan. He took off his shoes, you scratched his heels, and he sits with such a satisfied look, his mouth opened with pleasure. And you throw marmalade into his mouth from a distance. The king is in the house. So, dear wives, the wise men reveal to you the secret that husbands expect from you, and this is what you must give them. So, of course, the picture that we have painted for you here is, to put it mildly, exaggerated, but does this change the meaning? No. We said a lot in hyperbolic form, used metaphors, figurative expressions, but if we don’t say so, then there is a fear that even a theoretical idea will not be understood. And if it seems to someone that all this is artificial, then we will have a separate natural conversation about this. And if we carry out even a part of everything that has been said, our house will completely change, everything there will be different. Let’s summarize. And what will the house and relations between Gregory and Claudia look like. If they try to live according to the very wise advice that we have studied here. So, Gregory is returning home from work, on the way, there is something to think about. And, of course, the thought of talking with a stupid boss disturbs him, and the heat, and pinched his leg, but he remembers that on the way home he needs to think about who is waiting for him at home. Wife, Klava, oh, my heart immediately became warmer. And what Klava expects from me, I thought, I guessed, flowers! I got off the bus, looked here and there, the shops were closed, I already wanted to tear the flower beds in the square, but no, she would be upset. But, then he saw a beautiful, flat stone, three-colored, picked it up, cleaned it, put it in his pocket and went home. He went to the door, stopped, recovered, knocked, according to Jewish laws, you need to knock, even when we want to enter our own house. Holding his breath, he opened the door. And there, Claudia is standing, with a tray, beautiful, neatly dressed, with a haircut, because the house is cleaned. On a tray, in a plate, your favorite borscht is steaming, moderately warmed, with dumplings. After all, Claudia was waiting for her husband to come.
“What does he expect from me?” Quickly, quickly, I’ll cook everything. She heard his footsteps in the distance, startled, grabbed the tray. All shining, holding her breath stood at the door. Now the most important person in the world will enter the house, my husband will enter the house. He went:
“Claudia, you are amazing!”
Grisha, how I missed you.
— Klava, I brought you a stone.
— Pebbles! and the tray fell to the floor.
— Oh, come on, I love you Klava.
“And I love you Grisha.
This is how it should be. This is what a happy family should look like. Just a little thought about her, about him. Happiness, in principle, can only exist where there is care for each other. And if it seems to someone that this is all just a beautiful theory that does not exist in reality, then let me tell you in the end, two episodes from the life of a great sage and righteous man of our generation, Robenshon.
He and his large family lived in Jerusalem, in a one and a half room apartment, in the Shere Nessen area. All Jerusalem knew his address. When his wife died, on her grave, in the presence of many thousands of people, he delivered a funeral speech. Among other things, he said this: “It is customary for us, according to Jewish law, to ask for forgiveness for the dead, then you know that I have nothing to ask for forgiveness. In all fifty years of living together, I have never said even one word to you that could upset you.
Apparently, we will not understand what was said without another episode from his life. He tells about him how one day he was walking with his student towards the house, and the student bombarded him with questions. When they came to the house, he began to straighten his suit, his hat, to look neater. Seeing this, the student said:
— We will continue these discussions, next time, I see that a guest is waiting for you at home.
— Why do you say that?
To which he replied that why do you straighten your clothes? Then the wise man answered him:
— I am preparing for a meeting with the presence of the Creator himself in my house, my wife is waiting for me there. Therefore, I need to be careful and look respectful.
From here it is easy to understand that one who sees the presence of the Creator in his wife, he will not need to ask for forgiveness from her at the grave. Yes, not everyone is able to live at this level. But if we learn at least part of what has been said, if we make an effort, to perceive our marriage as an absolute value, and to see a husband and wife as an eternal and inseparable companion, if we try to think and take care of her, of him, then in our home, the Creator himself will be present. And then we will be rewarded with a real, happy, family life.