Secrets and pitfalls of jealousy

Jealousy is the “dark side” of a loving couple, and very few manage to escape from it. This is a complex and deceptive feeling, which often hides our disappointments and unutterable desires.

And sometimes jealousy is just jealousy that manifests itself in many different ways. If we get to know the mechanism of this feeling better, it will help us to “discharge” its negative destructive potential and, in the end, to better understand ourselves.

Where does jealousy come from?

According to psychoanalysis, jealousy has its origins in early childhood, and the moment when we experienced it most acutely leaves a mark on us for life. When we are jealous, in fact, in this second we are re-living the old pain that we experienced as a child: after all, when we were weaned, we felt abandoned, betrayed.

According to the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, how we experienced this suffering, which was necessary to prevent a total merger with the mother, affects us in all love relationships. For some, it is a very severe pain. No other love for such people will be big enough, and not a single person is enough devoted and worthy.

Is it possible to be jealous and yet unfaithful?

This is about a common problem. Consider, as an example, the story of 42-year-old Gianni. Before marriage, he was a real womanizer. Subsequently, he decided to “take up his mind” and got married. His wife is faithful to him, which confirms her behavior. However, Gianni seethes with jealousy when he sees her talking to other men.

“He attributes his desire to change to his wife,” says Edorado Giusti, director of a specialized psychotherapy school in Rome. “By dumping on her suspicions of infidelity and treason, he satisfies his sense of guilt.” This situation is an example of “projected jealousy” as defined by Sigmund Freud.

Is it true that women are more jealous than men?

No, but they show it more clearly. They are more curious than men about their rival, whether she is real or not. They want to know everything about her: hair color, clothing size, interests. Men, for the most part, either deny the existence of a rival, or do not recognize him. “My husband always swore he wasn’t jealous of me,” says Clara, 36. And I think he really thought so. But that evening, when I told him about one minor affair from the time when we already knew him … He vomited all night. Typically male reaction: Men can remain indifferent for a long time until they are faced with betrayal, in the face of which they can “collapse”. But women are jealous more naturally.

When can jealousy be pathological?

Freud was the first to state that jealousy is a natural feeling. If it is not there, it means that it was hidden in the subconscious, from where it can suddenly appear again, and with difficult to control consequences. “Over the course of a lifetime, it is quite normal to experience one crisis of jealousy (or more),” explains psychologist and psychotherapist Anna Barracco.

We need to sound the alarm if jealousy becomes a permanent state in which we only think that our partner has betrayed us, to the point that we leave work early to come home and control our loved one.

Jealousy and envy: what’s the difference?

Jealousy is the fear of losing what you have, while envy is the suffering that someone else has something that you would like to have yourself. In addition, jealousy assumes the presence of a third person, but envy implies a relationship between two people. We are talking about two related feelings: the word “jealousy” originally comes from the Greek word “zelos”, which translates as “envy”.

Which opponent scares you the most?

There are two types of rivals: “twin” and “opposite”. Marco, 39, twice accused his bride of cheating, with men who were different from him: “Then it was easy hobbies and I did not feel threatened by them. But one day a man like me appeared in her life. And I got really sick.”

“Marco has a very strong narcissistic component,” Giusti emphasizes, “he is convinced that he is the best. Facing an opponent who is not only like him, but might be better, throws him into a crisis.”

Francesco, 46, is a completely different case: “I never got jealous of my wife for her ex until I read his letter, which was full of spelling errors. This discovery greatly shattered my self-esteem. If she loved such a man, how could she love me, a complete antipode? .. “

“When the opponent is somehow “below” us, the disappointment becomes doubly stronger, Giusti comments. “Knowing that we are competing with zero without a wand, we feel powerless, and because of this powerlessness, resentment and a lack of respect grow.”

Why is jealousy difficult to moderate?

For many, jealousy is a proof of love, a measure of passion. Warming her up with jealousy is a common practice: an old trick to stir up eroticism, to provoke sexual aggression, imagining that you are facing a rival.

“My husband staged scenes of jealousy from scratch,” says 41-year-old Maria. “I felt overwhelmed until it dawned on me that for him it was like an aphrodisiac.”

How to recover from jealousy?

“Everyone has defense strategies,” says Barracco, “some are defensively affective: they kill love in order to kill jealousy.” Some invent strange tricks – for example, 40-year-old Enrico literally threw his wife into the arms of another. “This man is trying to drive out his jealousy,” Barracco continues, “by visualizing the enemy. That way he feels less threatened by him.”

However, there are less radical treatments, such as keeping a diary or notes. When you talk on paper (or on video) about your suffering and feelings, it helps to overcome them. You can go to therapy and learn how to manage jealousy. In general, since we cannot avoid this feeling, we can at least bypass the self-destruction caused by it.

How to Stop Suffering: 4 Steps

Edorado Giusti, psychologist and director of a specialized school for integrated psychotherapy, gives advice on how to get rid of jealousy in four steps.

retrospective jealousy

1. Bringing up the past is wrong. You will always find something to cling to. Ignore the past. Now only you exist, and only this is truly important.

2. Realize that each couple has their own special unique magic. What a partner experiences with you is never experienced with anyone else.

Actual jealousy

1. Think back to the beginning of your relationship, when the faith and sense of complicity were stronger. Look at your partner the way you would look then. Think about the fact that you are the only and irreplaceable for him.

2. Don’t be afraid to face your opponent/rival. Stop fantasizing, and look your jealousy in the face, that is, on the subject of jealousy of flesh and blood. This will help you to reduce or reorganize it, and therefore understand its boundaries.