Secret button: is it always bad to influence others?

Each person has a button. Vanity! Greed! Ambition!» — this phrase of the villain Stump performed by Vladimir Basov from the children’s film «The Adventures of Electronics» became winged not by chance. It accurately describes the basic meaning of manipulation. But psychologists have expanded the list of «buttons» and added fear, guilt and shame. On them we — purposefully or unconsciously — press whenever we want to achieve something from others against their will. The better we know the person, the more accurate the hit.

But is manipulation really an indispensable companion of communication? It seems so. “You can build the most open relationships, but even in them you won’t be able to completely get rid of manipulation,” says clinical psychologist, transactional analysis specialist Irina Gross. — They appear in small things, their «degree» is different. Sometimes we don’t notice how we force others to play by our rules. And sometimes the game is chosen consciously and becomes a life scenario. We know perfectly well all the buttons of loved ones and sometimes like to press them, causing strong and often painful emotions.

For mom, for dad

From childhood, we receive lessons in manipulative communication. In kindergartens, schools, at home, at an unexpected moment we are pulled by invisible threads by educators, nannies, teachers, parents, grandparents, and we obediently follow their instructions. A rare child is able to resist this. “A few years ago, I read a book about effective communication techniques for work and decided to apply them in parenting,” admits 42-year-old Ella. — Once I asked my then three-year-old son: “Will you have porridge or cottage cheese?” This technique is called Choice Without Choice and is often used in sales. To which the son replied: «I will pasta.» I was shocked by his steadfastness and loyalty to himself and no longer experimented with relatives. But this story is the exception rather than the rule. More often than not, we absorb family manipulations like a sponge, easily apply proven tricks ourselves and continue to succumb to them when someone behaves similarly to us.

“Eat a spoon for mom, a spoon for dad” — a familiar situation? “The child is full, his body says: I am full. But how to offend beloved relatives, especially when they mention significant adults? — explains psychologist-consultant on addictive relationships, NLP trainer Dmitry Yushchenko. — He learns to be guided not by his feelings and desires, but by the opinions of others. Then someone in charge in the yard will tell him: «Smoke or drink.» And he has already got used to not trusting his own body and mind.”

In childhood, we were manipulated to one degree or another, Irina Gross is convinced. “You are the best, you should always make us happy, bring fives. Not us for you, but you for us,” 37-year-old Nadezhda learned such a parental message, fixing the “good girl” scenario and trying to be perfect in everything. She continues to please others by choosing men who appreciate only a beautiful facade, and not allowing herself to be sad, weak or tired. Dating such a man, she falls into the network of parental manipulation, which «says»: «If you want to be loved, be perfect.»

Another technique that parents often use is: “Do you want to go to your grandmother? Do you love her?» “Two conflicting messages are transmitted here at the same time,” explains Dmitry Yushchenko. — An offer to make a free choice and a directive indication of the right decision related to the basic value of the child. That is, choose, but correctly.

The wife meets her husband at the laid table, with a smile. She was waiting for him, preparing. He ate, praised her cooking, she is happy — and after dinner he immediately dives into the computer. She frowns, offended. What does he do? He comes out from behind the computer, hugs her, kisses her. “It turns out that when she feels good, he gives her negative reinforcement, turning away from her. When it’s bad, positive reinforcement by hugging her, ”concludes the psychologist. The wife unconsciously manipulates her husband, but the husband, just as unconsciously, supports her in this. And how to behave to the grandson in the first example and to the husband in the second, in order to follow their desires and at the same time not feel resentment, shame or guilt, is not clear.

Break or build?

We always feel bad if we were tricked into doing something against our will. Manipulation does not allow us to be ourselves, violates self-identification and integrity. «Can’t anyone wash the dishes? Why do I do everything in the house alone? — also a phrase familiar to many families. As a rule, the one who feels guilty more than others goes to the sink. “Sometimes we can’t pinpoint exactly what went wrong. But this unpleasant feeling, which resembles jelly or mist, always remains after manipulation,” explains Irina Gross, “because at this moment we are not controlled by a conscious choice, but by shame, guilt or fear.” After all, one could say to her husband and children: “Please help me wash the dishes.” Or agree and distribute responsibilities in the family: one cooks, the other sets the table, the third cleans up after dinner. But often we do not know other ways of communication, and we brought this one with us from our primary families.

One of the common tools of manipulative communication is the demonstration of resentment. “This feeling is necessarily addressed to someone,” Dmitry Yushchenko believes. — The purpose of resentment is reward. It is assumed that pouting or three days of silence will be compensated. Resentment is the desire to instill a sense of guilt in another. It is not for nothing that the expression “to make amends” exists in Russian. Many people fall for this trick. But some couples break up if the behavior patterns of the partners do not match: she habitually takes offense, but he does not buy her a cruise or a fur coat for this — the manipulation fails. If there are no other means of communication, the interaction stops.

It turns out that manipulation spoils the relationship, but at the same time sometimes keeps the couple together. “The manipulator and his victim fit together like a key to a lock,” emphasizes Irina Gross. Each of them has its own unconscious benefit: for example, the confirmation of the beliefs «I am a sufferer» or «no one does anything good of their own free will.»

34-year-old Andrei admitted to a psychologist that he wants to return his wife, with whom he constantly cursed: “I got such a discharge with her, there was such a boost in energy later.” “In a dependent, neurotic relationship, partners are on an adrenaline rush,” Dmitry Yushchenko explains. “When one needs a dose, he initiates a quarrel, and the other himself does not notice how he is drawn into it.”

But you can keep each other in good shape in another way, and far from any manipulation is evil, Dmitry Yushchenko is convinced: “One of the “light” manipulations is flirting. His goal is to draw attention to himself, to captivate another, to win. And we keep this goal a secret, using various tricks: playful laughter, revealing outfits, meaningful looks and touches. Normally, we don’t behave like this. But if both of them enjoy this game, then why not? “Check how environmentally friendly this or that manipulation is for you,” the psychologist continues, “it creates or destroys. “If you are a real father, get off the couch and take the child to the section” is a “bright” manipulation out of love for your son, and the father will eventually win, because he is real, once he got up from the couch. But “If you love me, buy me a fur coat” is a pragmatic manipulation, it translates relationships built on the basic value — love, into the material plane.

conversational genre

There are “light” manipulations — situational, as in the story with dishes, when we experience momentary discomfort. And there are those that hurt our deepest feelings. Often they are associated with illnesses, courts, divorces, losses. 36-year-old Sergei came to see a psychotherapist in a state of panic. He wants a divorce, but his wife says she won’t let him see her son. This is a cruel manipulation that «plays» with the theme of his life script. Sergei occupies a leadership position, he is used to responsibility, but he does not know how to please himself.

“His inner child, which is in each of us, awakens only in games with his son,” explains Irina Gross. — Losing communication with him, he loses part of his own identity. He was seized not only by the fear of becoming a bad father, but also by the fear of losing himself.

The cunning of the manipulator is also in the fact that he shifts responsibility for his feelings to others: “You made me angry!” or “You offended me!”. “Thus, he says: you have access to the buttons that are somewhere on my body, but I don’t know where exactly. With their help, you amuse me, make me angry, make me happy, annoy, but I have nothing to do with this, ”explains Dmitry Yushchenko.

The antidote to unsustainable communications is an open conversation, the expert continues. But we also need to learn how to speak so that we are heard. “Do not advise another what to do: it is up to him to decide. Talk about your feelings, you are the only specialist in this: “When I see you doing this, I experience or experience such an emotion.” If it is important for your partner that you feel good, he will change his behavior. But if he knows how you react, and at the same time does not change anything, the question is already for you: is it necessary to continue the relationship with such a person who ignores your condition, or not?

If we decide to explain ourselves to the manipulator, we have to return his responsibility to him, while taking responsibility for our own feelings. It is worth preparing for such a conversation. Think over the phrases that we want to say, write a cheat sheet. Perhaps even rehearse in front of a mirror. Because resisting manipulation is a skill that requires not only courage, but also training.