secondary benefit

The secondary benefit is what keeps a person in the problematic state that he received. In common usage this is the same as intrinsic benefit, although in psychoanalysis «primary» and «secondary benefit» are distinguished. In psychoanalysis, the secondary benefit is understood as the benefit that the patient receives from already formed symptoms, that is, the benefit that he did not expect or did not intend (unconsciously) to receive in the initial period of symptom formation. This benefit does not lead to symptom formation, but contributes to the persistence of the disease and resistance to treatment.

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Have you ever wondered why, when making a decision, it is often not carried out and everything remains as it was?

In psychology, there is the concept of secondary benefit. Outwardly, a person can really want something, constantly talk about it, but do nothing. For example, a person may say that he wants to change jobs, that the current job does not suit him, but at the same time he will not even try to find something else, will not take any action. Or he may suffer from some kind of unsatisfactory relationship, from some kind of annoying illness, etc., but things will not go beyond words.

Why? Because in reality, from this suffering, not a decision, he benefits, often without realizing it. Moreover, if you tell him about it, then it often causes irritation, and not a desire to understand. It turns out that every decision has dividends, conscious and unconscious. And which of the dividends are the most important, the most profitable, at that stage there will be a decision — to leave everything as it is, or to change something.

I want to change jobs, but I don’t have time to distribute my resumes, there is no suitable job, the child got sick, the personnel department turned out to be closed on my free day, I lost the phone number I was going to call … And at the same time, the person is annoyed that it doesn’t work to carry out what was intended.

It is very difficult to see in yourself and realize that you want one thing and at the same time want the opposite — you want a new job, and at the same time you want not to change anything. However, the decision to change jobs will never take root if we do not give up the dividend to the other side. This means that our task is to understand our internal benefits of sabotaging our own decision and to counter these benefits with something else, even more profitable.

How does it look in practice?

Suppose a person declares himself as a strong and independent person, but behaves as a dependent and often showing weakness.

What are the dividends for the second side, which the conscious director does not want to accept? What benefit can a dependent and weak person get? First, of course, this is shifting responsibility for one’s life to others and circumstances, this is sympathy, receiving care, attention, etc. In such a situation, can full responsibility for one’s life, lack of caring attention and sympathy in case of failure become dividends?

And the fact that a strong and independent person can face a difficult choice alone and can only rely on himself — will this be dividends? Most likely not, because this is not always a comfortable state. It is much easier to constantly count on the support of stronger and more confident people. Obvious advantages remain on the side of the subconscious director, and the person behaves like an addict against his will, and is angry with himself for it.

Consider another example of a person giving advice left and right. The downside of this behavior may be that people stop taking him seriously, get annoyed with him — “you are always with your advice!”, express distrust, point out his mistakes. It seems that you need to think and reconsider your habit, because there is a clear lack of acceptance of a person on your face. But no, this habit has very significant dividends, which are very difficult for a person to give up and they are much greater. Namely, giving advice to others, a person experiences a sense of self-worth. He grows in his eyes as an intelligent, reasonable and all-knowing person, while others are unreasonable. And why are they offended and annoyed? After all, my vision is the only correct one, I give it to them, use it and do not make mistakes! I’m taking care of them! Growth in one’s own eyes turns out to be much more profitable than a general attitude towards a person.

Another example would be the choice between «be healthy» and «stay sick». When you are sick, you fully receive the care of relatives and friends, and deservedly so, they are healthy, and you are sick. You have the right to talk to them for hours about your problems, about yourself, about your illness, and all your demands seem to be legitimate. Is such a right reserved for a healthy person? A healthy person should take care of a sick person and the desires of a healthy person are not taken into account. Illness is a powerful means of obtaining love, affection, help, a way to avoid the demands that are made on a healthy person. I’m sick, and bribes are smooth from me. No one will do anything voluntarily for a healthy person, so the disease comes to the rescue.

Remember, when you are sick, how much attention and care do you receive? Do you get that much when you are healthy? It’s so cool to lie down when everyone around you is running around, and they will feed you, and give you water, and your every wish will be fulfilled! And most importantly, you now have every right to do so. When you are healthy, you have to do everything yourself. Then what is the point of becoming healthy?

Even children love to get sick, because it is during illness that parents spend the most time nearby, fulfill all the wishes and requirements of a sick child. A toy that he once asked for, and you didn’t buy for some reason — please, because the child is sick and at least somehow you can brighten up his condition. It is beneficial to be sick. When you are healthy, they don’t rush around with you anymore, mom goes to work, she comes in the evening tired, she always has no time …

And you try to pay more attention to the child when he is healthy, so he will immediately stop getting sick, it will no longer be beneficial for him. What will he choose — pills and bed rest or a walk with dad, a hike in the forest? Don’t take my word for it, start giving your child more time when he is healthy and less time when he is sick, and you will see that your child will be much less sick. To your mind, this may seem monstrous, how it is — to devote less time to a child when he is sick! But it is precisely by such behavior that we show that it is more profitable not to get sick.

I remember I had a similar experience when I was a child. On Friday evening I had a fever, my face had all the signs of a cold. And on Saturday, my father was going to go camping with us children. Forest, fire, tea from a pot, songs with a guitar … I wanted to go on a hike so much that in the morning all the cold seemed to be taken away by hand. I woke up completely healthy. I was much more interested in going camping with my father than lying in bed all weekend. At first, my parents were distrustful of the fact that I recovered so quickly, but, nevertheless, at the family council they decided that I would also go camping. My happiness knew no end. The disease has receded. I think that you have had similar cases. See →

Have you ever wondered why a person chooses to suffer, get angry, take offense, criticize? If such a choice is made, then there is some benefit, but the answer may not always be pleasant. Yes, and consciousness will deny this benefit. But how will it respond to the fact that a person nevertheless chose to suffer, get angry, take offense and criticize? He could have chosen otherwise.

Objections can go, well, how not to be offended if they offend? Stop. Who offends? So the one who offends is more significant and stronger than you yourself? Here it is — I am weak, dependent. I’m offended! Help! I feel bad, so you should be more gentle, friendly, caring with me! So what happens? Choosing to be offended, and once having received such reinforcement, a person expects to receive support from other people in the form of condemnation of the offender; care, because he is so vulnerable; the ability to avoid demands on myself from other people — they offended me, how will I do something now; the ability to blame others, etc. Why not dividends? See →

What are the benefits of self-flagellation? Avoiding blame and in turn blaming others. The benefit of being helpless is to avoid being blamed. The benefits of belittling oneself are the ability to avoid the danger of rivalry. Here, the lesser of two evils is simply chosen. But is it realized? Do we see the subconscious director’s script? And how do we actually justify our choice?

If you want to change yourself, try the following exercises:

1. Choose the one most pressing issue for you at the moment. Let for example it will be a quarrel with a loved one.

2. Reflect, and answer your question: “What benefits do I get from…” Try not to deceive yourself and find 5-10 benefits that you get. Write them down in a column. For example, from a quarrel you can get:

• Feeling that I am right and fair.
• To make amends with guilt, a partner can give a gift, because when we do not quarrel, he almost does not give me anything.
• Confirmation that I am significant for a partner, since he is always the first to go to reconciliation.
• A quarrel can be a means of managing a partner.
• She can also bring vivid emotions that are completely absent in normal interaction.
• You can enjoy reconciliation, so a quarrel can be an occasion for this pleasure.
• After a quarrel, there may be bright sex, etc.

3. After you have written the pros and made some not very pleasant discoveries for yourself, think about it — are you ready to give up each of the benefits you find?

4. If the answer is “no”, then consider how you can get this benefit in another place, in a different form.

For example, in order for your companion to give gifts more often, you can directly tell him about it. To say that you are much more pleasant when he gives you just like that, and not when he makes amends.

If you lack emotions, find another way, more positive. Find a common interest with a partner and develop it. Any joint action will give you a lot of positive emotions if it is interesting for both.

5. If you answered “yes” to some points and you understand that you are not ready to refuse the benefits, then admit it to yourself honestly. For example, that it is always important for you to be right, even at the expense of your own happiness. Your goal is not a healthy relationship, but total loneliness, accept this and do not be upset about it. You don’t want to miss out on the benefits. When you understand otherwise, you will change your behavior, and God forbid that it is not too late.

6. Now think — what advantages will you get from the opposite side, for example, if you do not provoke a quarrel? It may turn out that bringing them to consciousness, they will be much more significant than the advantages of a quarrel. Then it will not be difficult at all to refuse the advantages that you get during a quarrel. In any case, by understanding yourself, it will be much easier for you to choose a solution without a fight and act in accordance with it.

It can be very difficult to do such work alone, and it is not always possible to find a solution that is easy to adhere to, often something remains unfinished. All this is best done in a group of like-minded people, those who also want to find a way out without a fight, and who are ready to support you.