Second marriage, first meeting

The idea that children will not accept a new spouse haunts everyone who is going to start a new family. Did my daughter recover after our divorce? Will my son understand? Will she be able to accept him/her? Are my children ready to live under the same roof with this person?

“These doubts are typical of our time and indicate that the hierarchy of generations has been broken,” comments family psychotherapist Irina Vshivkova. “Modern parents expect their children to recognize their choice, and this shows how difficult it is for us to be adults … It’s like we take the scales and hand them to the child: put your “yes” or “no” on their bowl and tell me if it will be good this person next to me and to you. In doing so, we place the responsibility for our own decisions on the children.”

39-year-old Svetlana did not dare to tell her ten-year-old son for a long time that she had met a man whom she was ready to marry: “We divorced Leni’s father when my son was only a year old, but all this time my ex-husband participated in our life. I gathered my courage for a long time and kept putting off the conversation, and then I decided: let my son tell me whether he likes my friend or not. They met, and in the evening Lenya cried for a long time and inconsolably. As a result, we still live together today … ”It would seem that adult, independent people should be responsible for their actions themselves, but, alas, we easily refuse this responsibility, and our children are simply forced to take us under their care!

“It turns out that we give them enormous power over us,” says psychotherapist Katerina Khmelnitskaya. “But such a reversal of roles is painful and unbearable for a child: he cannot know what is really good (or bad) for his mother or father. When parents actually adjust their lives according to the child’s verdict, this can reinforce the illusion of his omnipotence and become a source of children’s fears and guilt.

A paradoxical situation arises: the first acquaintance becomes for many of us a transitional exam, where children act as examiners.

“Today’s adults are much more than ever striving to realize themselves and open up in relationships with a partner,” explains Kateryna Khmelnitskaya. “At the same time, modern parents are much more worried than before that their children are happy and satisfied with life. Knowing that divorce always hurts a child, they attach great importance to how their new choice will affect his fate.

So, what needs to be done so that the first acquaintance goes well, without a single false note?

Pick a moment to talk

The news that a new person will appear in his life can be an emotional shock for the child. Understanding this, parents try to carefully choose the time to introduce a new family member to the child. “It is worth starting a conversation only when you are confident in the stability of relations with a new partner and are really going to connect your fate with him,” advises psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky. – The right moment for a serious conversation can help the child feel more confident and secure. But only the parent himself is able to catch it: the relationship between adults and children in the family is changeable and subjective, it is difficult to regulate them.

Nevertheless, any actions that may affect the usual course of a child’s life must be thought out, agreed upon and implemented in stages. For each parent-child pair, the algorithm for starting a conversation on this difficult topic may be different, but it is possible to get around several pitfalls. Talk about the fact that you met someone dear to you, but do not go into details: your personal life should remain really your own business.

“You shouldn’t start a conversation about changes in a child’s life during any celebrations, say, at a children’s birthday party or a New Year’s feast,” advises narrative psychotherapist Ekaterina Zhornyak. “There is no need to do this, and as if by the way, as if we ourselves do not attach any importance to this event.” Children easily recognize falsehood, pretense, deliberateness and from this they feel bitterness, anxiety. In addition, they may yearn for their father (mother), although outwardly they will seem indifferent.

“The next conversation with the child – about the future life together with a new person – should take place after they met. The parent needs to talk to the child in private: this is an intimate matter that concerns only the two of them. It is important for a child to feel safe and understand that he can ask any question without exposing himself to self-censorship, which is hardly possible if the solemn announcement of future changes takes place in the presence of a new chosen one, ”concludes Ekaterina Zhornyak.

The right words

Sometimes parents are too worried, fearing that the children will categorically not accept their new partner, and may overdo it. 40-year-old Vladimir recalls how his conversation with his eight-year-old daughter ended unsuccessfully: “I got too carried away listing the positive qualities of my bride. Alice listened attentively to me, and then suddenly burst out with tears in her eyes: “And my mother is also very beautiful, and she also bakes pies!” It was like a slap.” However, it also happens differently.

“Unable or unwilling to find the right words, some parents in a categorical, and sometimes even rude form, put their son or daughter before a fact,” says Mikhail Labkovsky. “At one moment, the child’s familiar world collapses, he feels resentment, jealousy, confusion, closes, or, conversely, constantly provokes his parents.” You need to find a middle ground: the child will most likely perceive too enthusiastic and flattering reviews about your new half as a derogation of the other parent, and a peremptory statement of fact as violence.

“Speak about your new partner with restraint and delicacy, in a calm tone,” advises Ekaterina Zhornyak. – Introducing him, it is enough to say the name and then pause. It is necessary for the child to comprehend what he heard and ask questions if he has any.

Children and our new chosen ones should have the opportunity to get to know each other gradually. “You should not force events: for example, immediately after the announcement of a possible wedding, bring down on the child the news that a move or the birth of a new brother or sister is coming,” warns Irina Vshivkova. “Children should not drown in the flow of information and emotions caused by it.”

Meeting point

Another question that haunts parents: where is the best place to meet? “You can go to the cinema together, for a walk, to an amusement park,” says Mikhail Labkovsky. – If the acquaintance takes place at home, the child still needs free space: after mutual introductions, he must be able to slip out from under the gaze of adults. The main thing is that he does not feel cornered, so that he has somewhere to go, to throw out emotional stress in his own way.

“You should not meet where you usually spend time together with your son or daughter,” adds Irina Vshivkova, “say, in your favorite cafe where you usually go on weekends. In this case, the child will most likely see in your partner a third superfluous person who encroaches on your relationship with him, on your intimacy. And of course, you should not imagine your future spouse at breakfast after you spent the night together.

Some parents are waiting for the summer holidays, when time begins to flow differently: lightness, carelessness and anticipation of the holiday seem to be poured into the air … Why not? But you can not demand from the new chosen one a constant presence in the house during the holidays under the pretext of “getting to know each other better.”

And most importantly – do not lose your sense of tact and common sense, do not forget about the sense of proportion in your (good) desire to provide as much as possible and as accurately as possible to stage the first meeting of your child with a new family member.