Imagine that you are such a good wife and your spouse loves you so much that he wanted to have another one of the same … How will you feel at the same time?
Imagine that the husband is trying to pay more attention to his new wife – she is younger, less experienced. Does your favorite dress no longer fit on you? Give it to a new family member, it will obviously look better on her … Imagine that you ask your husband to pay attention to you, and he replies: “How can you leave your new wife ?! She is so vulnerable, without a man – nowhere! You better find something to do. ” Famous psychologists Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish conduct such training in their course on parenting siblings, so that parents can understand how an older child can feel when a younger one appears in a family. Such fantasies suddenly make you open your eyes wider and take the problem of raising two children seriously. What mistakes parents make most often and how specialists in communication between adults and children suggest solving them in their book “Brothers and Sisters. How to help your children to live together ”.
Parents prevent their children from showing negative feelings and emotions towards each other. “You shouldn’t be angry with your brother”, “Don’t you dare offend your sister!”, “It is forbidden to call each other names in our family!”.
Usually, such attempts to calm children work only for a short time, and then history repeats itself. And if you remember that terrible training, which is given at the beginning? Why should this person not be angry with another, because he deprives the parents of the first attention. The elder’s resentment is quite justified, because quite recently he was the only and beloved in the family. When parents begin to realize this and recognize the right to negative emotions for one of the children, the situation changes. It is only important to convey to the child that you have heard, understood, accepted and will try to fix the problem. For example, you will pay more attention. Learn to voice the emotions your child is trying to convey to you. And then the child, using your example, will learn to articulate his feelings towards his brother or sister instead of using violence.
Parents are constantly comparing their children. “You are such a bunch, your sister has been in the car for a long time”, “I would have learned from my brother politeness.”
This will not lead to anything good, except for an inferiority complex. Moreover, both children will suffer – the one who is praised, because he will be constantly afraid of losing his authority, and the one who is scolded, for obvious reasons. And the animosity between children will only intensify. But how, then, to stimulate the child to develop? It’s very simple – without reminding you of your brother or sister. Suffice it to say: “Son, hurry up, we are late” or “In this case, you should have thanked the assistant.” And that’s all, without any mention of a sister or brother. And if the surrounding “well-wishers” point to a more exemplary family member, you can answer: “And what does he have to do with it? We’re talking about this son now. With that we are talking on other topics. ” What a brother or sister does or does not do has nothing to do with the other.
Adults impose roles on their children. “The eldest son is shy, the youngest is the soul of the company”, “One daughter is a beauty, and the other is … clever.”
When roles are assigned, it doesn’t make sense to strive for something else. And the “not that” child gives up and helplessly follows the “right” one. Or revolts. How can you avoid this when you clearly see the differences between babies? Show the shy person that you believe in his strength and know that he will cope with this situation. Let your children not fit into any particular roles in your family, give them more space to express themselves as individuals. And don’t let others and the kids themselves label each other.
Parents react incorrectly to fights between children. Adults often stay away from being dragged into their own fights and so that children can learn to get out of their conflicts on their own. The result does not please anyone.
The authors recommend not punishing the offender, but pitying the victim. Then the first one realizes that his behavior not only did not get the attention of his mother, but also transferred it to his brother. And the next time he will act differently. It is also helpful to teach children to express their emotions with words, as discussed earlier, rather than with their fists. Another tip: if the fight has gone too far, stop it, and then, when the emotions fade away, invite the children to agree on the subject of the dispute themselves. Without expressing the slightest doubt that they will succeed, even if it takes a few days.
Moms and dads level their babies too much. The same number of pancakes, the same clothes, the same amount of time is devoted to one and the other.
The authors note that no one benefits from equalization. Every child is unique and you need to listen to the needs of the individual. When a child asks a naive question: who do you love more, me or your brother, do not dismiss the phrase “the same.” The kid will have an opinion that is certainly not in his favor. It is better to write down to him what exactly you love him for. And instead of dividing everything equally, give each one according to his needs.
These are generally simple tips to help avoid conflicts between young children and contribute to the absence of hostility between already grown brothers and sisters.