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What if the behavior of a teenager who had too much freedom in childhood gets out of control? Is it too late to start setting boundaries? No, experts are sure: it is never too late to take care of upbringing.
“If you sow a baby, you will reap a whirlwind,” English pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott warned parents of teenagers with a smile. And this is doubly true if from childhood the child did not know any rules and restrictions. “Often, after the vagaries of the first years, he does not cause much problems for parents,” says child psychotherapist Patrice Huerre. – At this stage (6-11 years), parents sometimes “let go of the reins”, not seeing anything wrong with indulging him. And when it comes to adolescence, it turns out that they live next to a time bomb. Usually parents make just such a complaint, psychologist Marina Kasyanova confirms: “The child grew up obedient, open, everything was fine – and suddenly at the age of 12-13 he changed dramatically: he went into himself, is rude, disappears somewhere with friends until night, skips lessons, does not get out of the Internet. Many parents feel confused. Some are trying to regain control with tough measures. Others give up, believing that they have already missed the child, now there is nothing to fix.
“To start severely limiting a child who is unfamiliar with the concept of discipline means inevitably causing a revolt,” says psychotherapist Natalya Izbutskaya. – Mother or father in this case goes to the camp of the enemy. But playing the role of a friend, indulging a teenager in everything, is just as unwise. It is very important to preserve the parental position: it always implies certain restrictions, but at the same time, a trusting relationship with the child.
Of course, it is difficult to take up education at this moment, but the battle is not lost: on the contrary, it is at this time that parents get a second chance. “It is never too late to steer on the course that will suit both parents and the child. The main thing is not to lose contact with him,” says Marina Kasyanova. To do this, adults will have to show perseverance and consistency. Their calm inner conviction is the main key to success.
Announce a change of course
How to do it? To tell this to the child directly, says Patrice Warr: “Until now, we put up with your behavior and regret it. It won’t work like this anymore, everything will change.” This does not mean at all that we lower the status of a son or daughter, treating them as children who are obliged to obey the will of their elders. On the contrary, we recognize the child as growing up, and therefore capable of responsible actions. “This is the time when it is necessary to move from the system of prohibitions to the system of formation of responsibility, gradually releasing the child into an independent life,” says Natalya Izbutskaya. “Accept his growing up, understand and respect his new needs and interests, learn to negotiate with him.” In fact, we tell him: dear, you frolic, it’s time to become an adult. And the status of an adult implies self-restraint. Of course, a teenager is likely to chuckle to himself, especially if parents have unsuccessfully tried to control his behavior before. But they should have real determination from now on.
Conclude an agreement
“This is, in fact, an agreement that takes into account not only the requirements of the parent, but also the requirements of the child,” emphasizes Marina Kasyanova. – The contract must be realistic and appropriate for the age of the child. What is possible for an 11-year-old (for example, go to bed before 10 pm, sit at the computer for no more than half an hour a day), for a 14-year-old is simply impossible. Therefore, over time, the contract must be reviewed. “Prohibitions must be reasonable and clearly stated, and there should not be many of them. It is enough if the agreement covers several “hot spots”: mode, sleep, computer,” Natalya Izbutskaya clarifies. Patrice Warr believes that it would be useful to write down the agreements on paper, which can always be referred to later. Encouragement can also be provided – for example, mitigation of certain conditions if the child behaves responsibly. It is very important to explain to him that prohibitions are not a whim of parents, that they do not think about their own comfort and tranquility, but act in his interests, Natalya Izbutskaya emphasizes: “My duty is to protect you from everything that threatens your health, study, life “. If this is explained clearly and respectfully, the child usually perceives the new rules adequately.
About it
“How to talk so teenagers will listen and how to listen so teenagers will talk” Adele Faber, E. Lane Mazlish (Eksmo, 2011).
Psychologists discuss those situations of mutual “deafness” that are very familiar to many parents. How to behave when a teenager challenges us? How to react if the son crosses all boundaries? What to do if the daughter does not consider us? A book that you want to put into practice right away
Be assertive and encourage
However, it is not enough just to conclude an agreement – the rebellious teenager will not miss the opportunity to test our strength. And this is natural: not accustomed to the rules, he will not become obedient in the blink of an eye. Parents will have to learn to be firm. “By violating the contract, the teenager checks how serious what you say is for you,” explains Marina Kasyanova. – He may be indignant or whine, saying: “Mom, I love you, I’m sorry, I won’t do it anymore …” At this moment, some parents can’t stand it: “Okay, but this is the last time.” Then the next violation will not be long in coming. And if the child feels that the boundaries are set “in truth”, the problem of disobedience usually goes away.
It is important to provide for sanctions for violation of the agreement. Natalya Izbutskaya suggests discussing them with the child in advance: “And if you don’t fulfill the condition, what then?” Sometimes children themselves suggest quite reasonable measures. But since he voluntarily accepted these restrictions, the punishment for their violation must inevitably follow. For example, if you find your child at the computer for the first time in the middle of the night, the computer is removed from his room. The second such case – and he is completely deprived of access to it. His sleep and academic performance are at stake, so the terms are non-negotiable. He screams that you’re crazy? “You need to keep your cool and clearly, calmly, confidently say that you are doing what you agreed on,” says Marina Kasyanova. Don’t forget to also praise your child for sticking to the deal so that over time (but not too hastily) soften his terms.
Establish reasonable limits
Parental care and the desire to keep the situation under control should not turn into “tightening the screws”. Sometimes prohibitions are dictated not so much by the desire to protect, but by anxiety, close to jealousy, at the sight of the independence of a teenager, fear of being alone (for example, if the mother lives exclusively the life of a child), or selfishness and concern for personal convenience. Let’s say a 15-year-old teenager is allowed to go to a party, but only on the condition that he does not touch alcohol and will be at home at ten in the evening. It is clear that in the company that is so important to him at this age, he will not be able to resist a can of beer if everyone around is drinking, and he will not leave at 21.30, when the party is still in full swing. This is an example of an illogical prohibition that will certainly be violated. “Children acutely feel the injustice of the bans,” emphasizes Natalya Izbutskaya. “Such bans are meaningless, they don’t work.” “When demanding compliance with the conditions from the child, parents should look at themselves from the outside: are they obligatory? How well can they keep their word? – recalls Marina Kasyanova. “After all, a teenager builds his behavior, starting from the parental model.”
Ask for help
What if all efforts fail and the child remains uncontrollable? Contact a psychologist? But doesn’t that mean admitting defeat? “On the contrary, this is a manifestation of parental common sense,” Natalya Izbutskaya is sure. “Sometimes a consultation is enough, and if the situation is explosive, it’s worth going through family therapy.” Marina Kasyanova adds: “Often parents cannot cope with emotions. And a calm look from the outside is very important in order to hear each other and change the situation.” Parents have to get rid of the illusion that the psychologist will “correct” the teenager. “A lot of people come with the words: everything is fine with us, only the child is completely out of hand,” says Natalya Izbutskaya. – If we ourselves are closed, we do not know how to communicate with loved ones, trust children, but we only know how to suppress, there will be no successful relations. When parents begin to think, change their behavior, children also change. After all, they are very plastic. Then we will be able to reach out to a teenager who needs our support in this difficult period.” So maybe the adolescence of a child is also a chance to change for his parents?
“I like living alone”
Gleb, 17 years old, studies in the 11th grade
“I was four years old when my parents separated. I lived with my mother, but my father often came and we had fun. Sometimes he took me to him. When I got older, we went to Montenegro together for several years in a row. We went on a yacht: my father had just received a navigational license, and I was his sailor – he set sails, knitted knots … As a child, dad was a real hero for me: it was easy, fun and interesting with him, I always learned something from him unusual, I liked his way of life, his thoughts and actions … He never raised me especially, he was more like a friend than a teacher, a father in the full sense of the word. But despite this, I never wanted to live with him. At any age, I would have stayed with my mother. Even as a child, I was very proud of her, realizing what a strong person she was. We hardly quarreled, probably, I just didn’t do big stupid things … We only have conflicts because of my “night life”. Every time I try to explain why I want to go to clubs, and then I just turn around and leave. But it doesn’t occur to me to “run away” to my dad. When I was in the 9th grade, my mother suggested that I go to study abroad. I liked this idea, but my father thought that I should enter the cadet corps and continue the military dynasty. I nevertheless left for Canada, and we didn’t talk to my father for six months. Now I live in a boarding house, completely on my own, without parents. We call each other and chat on Skype. This lifestyle suits me, it helps me take life more seriously. And grow up.”
Recorded by Elena Shevchenko
Read also: “TEENS Territory: A guide for parents of teenagers.”