Scientific approach to dating

For many, the process of finding a mate and going on dates with new people is intimidating and burdensome. Perhaps, getting to know them, you are faced with doubts, experience disappointment and despair. Maybe you recently broke up with your partner and are scared to get back into the dating world. In any case, you are not alone.

Family therapist Stacey Hubbard has partnered with the Gottman Institute to develop the Principles for the Singles program. The goal is to help single people acquire the knowledge and skills they need to build healthy relationships. The program is based on John Gottman’s The Seven Rules for a Successful Marriage. The therapist has taken these rules into the realm of finding a partner and building relationships based on mutual trust, understanding, and support.

Online dating

Psychologist John Cachoppo of the University of Chicago studied a sample of more than 19 people who got married between 000 and 2005. 2012% of respondents met online, 35% met at work and 14% found each other through mutual friends. With increasing workloads and time constraints, dating sites and apps are becoming the main channel for finding a couple, but you need to be aware of their limitations.

The first problem is too much choice. Social psychologist Sheena Iyengar of the Columbia University Business School conducted experiments in which participants were asked to choose a jam at a grocery store. When people were offered six types of jam, they made a purchase 10 times more often than when they were offered 24 types. Researchers believe that an excess of options leads to indecision and causes decision paralysis.

The second problem: flipping through the questionnaires, you get into the “general assessment” mode and start comparing people with each other. The general evaluation mode forces us to view them as products to be chosen and consumed, rather than as people to be known and met.

Compatibility score

Social psychologist Eli Finkle studied modern algorithms that calculate compatibility and came to the conclusion that they are ineffective. He believes that we should not get hung up on finding a person who is similar to us or complements us. You need to look for someone who is suitable for a relationship. In his opinion, this can be assessed according to two criteria: the ability to build trusting relationships and the absence of signs of neurosis.

If you’ve met someone, don’t spend a lot of time texting. The maximum period is two weeks, then you need to go to a meeting. Meeting face to face is the only way to know if you have a future with this person.

First date

The Gottman Institute once asked its Facebook followers to write ideas for the best first date. The most common responses are walking and talking. Subscribers suggested walking in different forms: go hiking, walk in the park or city. Most people think that walking relieves stress. During the walk, it is not necessary to maintain direct eye contact, thanks to this, communication becomes more relaxed.

When dating, it’s important not to fall into the serial dating trap of going on many first dates with different people instead of settling on one person. University of Texas at Austin psychologists Lucy Hunt and Paul Eastwick conducted a study and found that in most cases, “unique value” is more important than “partner value.”

“Partner value” is the first impression of the external data of another person and an assessment of his attractiveness. “Unique value” manifests itself over time through shared experiences and closer recognition of each other. To notice important personality traits, the first date is usually not enough – it takes more time. That’s why it’s best to slowly get to know the person and maybe go on a second and third date with them before dismissing them and moving on to get to know someone else.

If you’re having a hard time dealing with nerves on a first date, show interest in the other person instead of trying to be interesting. To show interest in your partner and establish a quality conversation, ask questions that require detailed answers and questions that develop or deepen the topic.

For example, if a person says they love their job, you might ask, “What do you like most about it?” So you show your potential partner your interest and attention, and at the same time relieve nervous tension.