First love — a reason for joy for your child or for excitement? After all, he needs to think about his studies, and not about girls, even, what good, he will break firewood, and in general — «we, parents, know better.» What is it — a natural concern for children or a manifestation of selfishness and control, the consequences of which are difficult to assess?
My friend Misha recently married a son, Vlad. The son is just such a prince: both handsome and smart, and with a decent job. And by the way, not very young — he is 26 years old.
And at some point in the feast, the happy father of the groom whispered in secret in my ear:
— You know, he almost got married in the tenth grade. He had a stormy romance with a classmate. And she comes from such a simple family: many children, a difficult financial situation — well, you understand. As I understand it, this girl, Natasha, was set up at home that Vlad should marry her. The party for my daughter is very successful: a boy from an intelligent family, promising, decent. The girl’s mother even asked him to call her mother. And in Russia, by the way, the family code allows marriage from the age of 16 if there is a good reason — for example, pregnancy, the birth of a child, or “marital relations”.
— And what did Vladik himself think about these relations?
Well, he liked the girl, of course. It’s just… Once I look, some loaded one walks around. I assumed they had a fight. I ask: “Well, how are you?” And he told me: “Yes, somehow so-so,” and then everything like that. In short, I understand that Vlad wants to part with her, but does not understand how, he still does not know how. Somehow after this conversation I come home late from work, but Vladik is not there. The wife says: the son called, said that he was staying overnight with Natasha. I went and took him home. Forbidden to go to the phone.
— And then what?
— The next day the doorbell rang. I open it — Natasha bursts into the apartment. He tells me, almost crying: “Why are you interfering with our love? Don’t you understand that we are serious? You’re ruining your son’s life!» I replied that it was unlikely and closed the door. Vladik didn’t even leave the room to see this Natasha.
How do parents determine whether a child is in a serious relationship or not? How to determine whether to intervene in them or not?
— And what, they all ended?
— Of course. All love quickly faded away. And then there are exams, institute, another life for my son. In general, if I, as a father, had not stopped this story, they would have caught Vladik, and that’s it.
And the pleased father Misha looks at the young people, who, meanwhile, begin to cut the wedding cake.
And I’m thinking: what would have happened if dad hadn’t interfered in the relationship between Vlad and Natasha then?
Suppose they would get married — although this is not necessary: Vlad could very well figure out how to end a relationship that has exhausted itself. Okay, let’s say you get married. What’s next? Maybe they had a baby. Which is also not necessary, but let them give birth. Then, probably, they would have divorced, and the child was left without a father. As a rule, marriages that have grown out of school relationships do not last long. Or maybe Vlad and Natasha would not have divorced. Personally, I know three families where a boy and a girl got married right after school and have been living happily for 30 years. Or maybe they got divorced, but not immediately, but after 15 years, when their child would already be a teenager. And losing his father as a teenager, perhaps, would have been more painful for him than being left without a father in infancy.
In short, what did Papa Misha prevent by destroying the relationship between Vlad and Natasha? It is absolutely unknown what — no one knows the future. How do parents determine whether a child is in a serious relationship or not? How to determine whether to intervene in them or not? And is it really necessary to do so?
I remember the movie «You never dreamed of.» When the picture came out, and it was in 1981, it produced a stunning effect. The film about the first love of Roma and Katya was then watched by almost 30 million viewers. And for all subsequent years, of course, many times more. And, it would seem, all the parents who watched the film should immediately see the light and leave their children alone with their love, not interfere with them and not interfere with advice.
But, unfortunately, no movie, even such a wonderful one, gives this effect. Because with the screen characters, Roma and Katya, everything is clear: they have love with a capital letter, and their own child has some kind of harmful nonsense, not a relationship.
Why do parents in the film (and in life, of course, too) so want to interfere with the love of teenagers? Because first love is, of course, not serious. Because adults always know best. Because you have to think about education. Because it’s not the right girl. Etc. Thanks to this film, we now have a set of parental stereotypes in movie quotes:
— I won’t let you! I won’t let you go anywhere! It’s a vicious family and a vicious girl! We will tie you with ropes, chains, but we will save you from this girl!
— Mom, I love Katya!
— Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You will have a million such Katyas!
Adolescent psychologists advise parents to let children make mistakes
— Most likely, I, mother, am a one-woman …
“I don’t think I heard anything. Because otherwise you have to call an ambulance and take you to Kashchenko.
— What kind of love is there at 17 years old.
What are they, animals?
“They are just parents. Ordinary parents who love their child too much.
Adolescent psychologists advise parents to let their children make mistakes. Let them fill the bumps, no matter what storms, because of the first love of a son or daughter, break the parental heart. All the same, it is impossible to save him or her from all difficulties in advance. So wouldn’t it be better to give them the opportunity to have their own experience, including learning to part, experience separation, put up, grieve, stay up at night — in short, to feel everything that a person is supposed to feel?
But what to do if parents see that the relationship of children goes far, to where both the wedding and the children (and for them, grandchildren) are already close? And at the same time, their children are purely legally still children: they are not 18 and they go to school? Intervene, like Papa Misha, or leave alone? What do you think?
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