The man is 7 years old. This is no longer a baby who looks at his parents with adoration and trust, but he is also not a teenager, partly autonomized from his parents. On the one hand, he wants to be treated like an adult. On the other hand, he becomes more sensitive to the manifestation of unbridled parental love. For the first time in his life, he is evaluated according to a rigid five-point system, because school grades for knowledge and efforts are identified in his eyes with an assessment of whether he is good or bad. All this creates certain difficulties in his life. It is easier for him to overcome them if he feels a reliable rear: parental love and support.
Try telling some mother that she doesn’t love her son. Her indignation will be very sincere. But it is one thing to experience feelings, another to express them. Oddly enough, this art is not given to everyone. True, any parent can object: “Am I really not able to explain to the child how I feel?” But after all, children perceive not only words, but also how it is said: intonation, facial expression, look, smile, touch. By all these “non-verbal” means, caring, loving parents can convey to the child, approximately the following emotional information: “It’s good that you are you. It’s good that you ask questions, you think. It’s good that you’re trying to overcome the difficulties yourself. It’s good that you can feel, express your feelings and be open with people. Gradually you will learn a lot, become independent. I believe you will achieve everything you aspire to.»
Of course, each parent can express this in their own way. But everyone needs to support the child’s self-confidence. To do this, you need to be prepared and patient with the fact that children make mistakes. The child’s mistakes should not annoy you so much that you feel alienated. Resist the temptation to compare your son or daughter to other children who you think have more merit. Your child should always feel that he is unique and that you love him for who he is.
When a child fails one after another at school, frustrated parents often reproach him for this, and it begins to seem to him that he has no merit. His self-esteem is greatly reduced, his hands drop, and it becomes difficult for him to overcome difficulties. Meanwhile, any efforts of the child, even those that do not lead to an immediate result, the parent can approve, make it clear that mom and dad feel his efforts, even if he has not achieved great success.
However, it may be different. Parents seem to approve of the behavior of the child, but he does not perceive their reaction as approval at all. And this is no coincidence. Unconsciously, adults often express hidden dissatisfaction.
Meanwhile, the main thing that is important for a child to know is exactly how we evaluate him and what we expect from him. How he interprets mom and dad’s reactions to a large extent determines his own feelings, the evaluations he gives to himself and other people, and even his behavior in the future.
Imagine several situations in which a child may find himself. Nine-year-old daughter shows dad her math class work: “See! Five!» Dad’s reaction can be different. Here are some options:
1. Got an A? Has anyone helped you?
2. I told you — you can when you want. Only you don’t want to!
3. I bet you are proud of yourself.
4. Now I’m happy with you.
5. Well done! I’m happy for you.
How often, automatically “brushing off” habitual remarks, we do not give ourselves the trouble to think about their emotional meaning. Meanwhile, this meaning is very subtly and precisely captured by the child. For him, the above phrases can mean:
1. I know that you have little ability. I don’t believe you can think for yourself. I think that all your efforts are in vain, and luck is random.
2. I know that you are lazy. I don’t believe you’re capable of constant, conscientious work.
The following two lines can be deciphered by the child in different ways:
3. a) You are a braggart. Your victory is not so great to be proud of, b) You are proud of your achievements and have a right to be.
4. a) I approve of your behavior and support you. b) You study for me. And I’m happy with the way you do it.
5. I believe that you have something to rejoice at, and I share this joy with pleasure.
And here is another situation. On her example, you can see how their own parental problems are reflected in the reactions of parents to the actions of children.
An eight-year-old son comes home with a scratched face, in a torn ear. He explains to his mother that he got into a fight in the yard. Mom can meet a boy in different ways:
1. Have you been beaten? Why didn’t you give up?
2. Got into a fight again! All in the father!
3. Who beat you? I’ll go to his parents!
4. Got into a fight again? Wait, here comes the father!
5. Wash your face. Sit down at the table. Then tell me what happened.
Despite the fact that outwardly all the remarks look as if they were caused by the desire to protect the interests of the child, in fact, the personal problems of an adult are easily visible in them. In the first case — an injured sense of self-worth. In the second — hostile attitude towards her husband, transferred to the child. In the third… How would you interpret the third case? It seems to me that, despite the verbal difference with the first, it means the same thing.
The fourth option, it seems, speaks of the weakness, self-doubt of the mother, her feeling of her own powerlessness, inability to influence the child.
Fifth … I suggest that you determine for yourself what exactly appeals to the mother, who thus reacts to the child’s troubles.
All these nuances, shades that the child feels in your attitude towards him are extremely serious for him. They form an important feeling for the child — whether you empathize with him, whether you accept him, whether you love him.
Obviously, one of the most pressing issues in any family is the discipline with which the parent helps the child to better adapt to real life, to understand his rights and the rights of other people. Discipline is part of the daily relationship between parents and children, not something we do at certain times. In addition, this is a way to help guide the child without dominating him.
Before we talk about how to discipline a son or daughter, we need to be sure that we understand our child correctly. Why does he act this way and not otherwise? What are the goals and reasons for his behavior? Without understanding this accurately enough, parents often make mistakes in their handling of their children, which can affect their development.
For example, we are accustomed to and even consider this the standard of correct parental behavior — to treat all children in the family equally. The father says with a sense of satisfaction: «I love my children equally and treat them equally.» But children are different! Maybe you should treat them differently?
Here is the family. She has three children. Ask your parents who they like best. The answer will almost certainly be: «All the same.» But children seem to be different.
Take, for example, an older child. He is the firstborn. The center of attention, the focus of parental care and love. He managed to get used to this position in his short life, he considers it natural and unshakable. Imagine what it is like for a small person when this order of things breaks down — a new “center of concentration” appears in the house. The firstborn feels in an unequal position with a new family member. He lacks parental attention. And parents, noticing this spiritual discomfort, sometimes try to remove it by trying to divide their attention equally between both. But the younger one still requires more time, trouble: small, helpless, touching, he naturally evokes more tender feelings. And this is jealously noted by the first-born. Obviously, there is only one way out: do not strive to treat both equally. It is necessary to let the elder, who is disadvantaged in his new position, feel the advantages of this position. He can be attached to some adult concerns, and this, of course, appeals to any child. Parents must convince him that he is their assistant, adviser, you can find a confidential intonation, which for him will be equivalent to their love shown to the younger in a different form — tenderness, admiration, tenderness.
Now imagine that a third child has appeared in the same family and that the difference between him and the first two is 8-10 years. This man has his own problems. While the elders have already adapted to many of the demands of life, when many of the concepts and ideas that unite them have already taken shape and become common, the third has yet to discover all this for himself for the first time. He too well, acutely feels the difference in the situation between himself and his elders in this world that is still incomprehensible to him.
Parents who know how to delve into the problems of the younger will find a way to remove his subjective feeling of inequality. Perhaps in this case it makes sense to focus both your own and older children’s attention on the intelligence, ingenuity, and understanding of the younger.
Such a differentiated attitude towards younger and older children will create in them just the feeling that they are loved equally. Needless to say, how different attitudes children require towards themselves, depending on their temperament, abilities, emotionality, and other personal characteristics. And, of course, depending on gender. If you treat a girl with that masculine harshness that is appropriate for a boy, and with a son with the same sentimental tenderness that is more suitable for a girl, then this can then reflect badly on both.
If parents do not take into account the uniqueness of their children, do not know how to treat them differently, then the children are sometimes left with the feeling that they are not understood.
For many parents, discipline is just obedience. Having set themselves the goal of making the child obedient, they sometimes go towards it too straightforwardly, and sometimes, so to speak, in the opposite direction. In other words, wanting to get a certain pedagogical result, they get exactly the opposite.
There are several examples of parental errors of this kind. For 7-10 years of his life, the child learns well what kind of reaction in the parents causes one or another of his actions or, more precisely, the way of actions. It often happens that parents unwittingly push the child to behavior that is extremely undesirable for them.
The mother of a 9-year-old boy turned to the counseling center for psychological assistance to the family. She complains that her son grimaces, breaks down, makes faces, giggles — in a word, «behaves like a jester.» This is also emphasized in schools. Watching the child, I see that he really behaves like a clown. How does the mother react to this? Just at these moments, although she is angry, she cannot help smiling. The boy feels that with his buffoonery he not only arouses irritation, but also entertains, in other words, the positive effect for him is obvious and exceeds the negative effect. Thus, the mother involuntarily encourages him to behave unpleasantly for her.
However, the most common version of child disobedience is not when the child wants to attract attention, but when this disobedience is a weapon in the confrontation with parents. The parent insists on the unquestioning fulfillment of their requirements. His main and only argument is: “I said so!” The child, behind such an argument, feels the infringement of his dignity and resists this. The parent does not want to give in … It becomes an end in itself for him to show who is more important here. A struggle begins, which often turns into a real war. Who will win in it? None! If it ends with the victory of the father, then this will clearly be a Pyrrhic victory. Because, having won obedience, he will lose the much more important trust of the child.
Parents who seek parenting advice often ask the same question: “What should we do? Give advice on how to behave better.
Education is a creative process
The parent himself must find the way to his child, feel what his son or daughter needs, what they expect from him. Therefore, we can only talk about some general principles in the relationship between parents and children:
- first try to understand the behavior of the child, listen to him carefully, and then act. Your first impression of what is really happening with the child, and therefore your reaction, may be wrong;
- do not respond to all manifestations of a son or daughter that you do not like. Otherwise, all you can do is reinforce the child’s unwanted behavior. If at the same time you pay little attention to him at other moments (when he behaves well, for example), then the child receives information: “If you want adults to pay attention to you, annoy them”;
- do not accumulate dissatisfaction with the child. Many parents, like collectors, hoard their irritation against their children. One day it splashes like an avalanche on a son or daughter. Instead, try to understand the feelings that the child causes in you, discuss them with your spouse or with the child himself;
- Don’t get into a «power struggle» with your child. The son or daughter does not want to fulfill your requirements: “I don’t want to! I won’t, that’s all!” How to avoid confrontation with a child? Every family has its own rules and prohibitions. If their number is small, they are firm, and most importantly, logical, then the parent, convincing the child, can rely on them. This conversation is best conducted in the following way. First listen to the child, try to understand his way of thinking, and then make a decision that includes some restrictions for him;
- try not to be verbose, speak calmly and firmly. Resist the temptation to get into a fruitless argument with your child that will lead to a clarification of who is in charge. The headship of the parent, when it comes to a 7-12-year-old child, is unconditional. In a dispute, you only question this fact. In special cases, when it is not possible to stop the dispute, you can even leave the room, showing that the conversation is over, the decision has been made and you need to move on to other matters;
- often the child fights because in this way he tries to assert himself. “I am also an adult, also independent, I can think and make decisions” — that’s what he would say if he could formulate his feelings. More often let him feel that you take into account his opinion, that his judgments can be authoritative for you;
- try not to set too many taboos in your family. But those that exist cannot be violated — the child must be sure of this. Otherwise, he will be punished. At the same time, the parent must be consistent in his behavior: if he has already threatened with punishment, then this threat will be fulfilled;
- it is not worth talking about possible types of punishments here — each family has its own. Let us only note that physical punishment, despite its seeming effectiveness, quickly removes the feeling of guilt from the punished and prevents its realization. At the same time, it conveys information to the child: “When you are angry with someone, hit”;
- and the last, most difficult wish. If you feel you are wrong, have the courage to admit it. Most often, fearing to lose authority, parents avoid admitting they are wrong. However, by doing so, they give the child an example of such behavior: stubbornly stand on their own, not wanting to objectively evaluate their words and deeds.
Relying on the great effect of collective decisions, some parents like to convene family councils. Is there really any sense in such collegial leadership of a child? This question cannot be answered unambiguously. Everything is determined by what kind of atmosphere usually reigns in the family.
If the psychological climate here is such that all its members are well aware of the problems of another and, helping him to solve them, do not mix their own problems here, the effectiveness of family councils can be very high. However, it often happens that the efforts of mom, dad, grandmother and the child himself come down not to finding a successful way out of some conflict, but to an unconscious demonstration of their own problems. At the same time, each of the household members involuntarily, as it were, plays a certain role.
One person, let’s call him conditionally «I know everything», behaves as if only he has the only correct solution. He usually does not listen to anyone, prefers to speak himself, seeks to control others and generally dominate the decision-making process. The following statements are typical for him: “You need to do as I suggest,” “Listen to me, and we will solve this problem!” “Sometimes he manages to get family members to obediently obey, but more often he causes strong opposition.
There may also be an “oppositionist” in the family who spends all his energy on refuting the arguments and crushing the plans of the first family member. The gist of his whole position is: «I don’t agree!» In this situation, conflict is unavoidable. The «oppositionist» causes discontent, irritation and even anger, but does not want to make a constructive decision or compromise.
The third role is «offended». His position can be expressed by the words: “No one considers my opinion! Nobody ever listens to me!» As a rule, he forgets about those situations when his ideas were accepted, but he remembers in detail those in which he felt slighted.
And finally, there may be a person in the family for whom the worst thing is making a decision, the problem of choice. He makes it clear to everyone else: «Whatever you decide is fine with me.» Some family members usually perceive him as weak, in need of protection. Others tease and condemn his indecision, the desire to avoid difficulties.
Naturally, if the family council consists of bearers of similar roles who do not even try to understand each other, then it is difficult to expect constructive decisions from it.
Of course, all this is somehow known to any person who has parental experience. However, does anyone follow the listed principles of education? In everyday life, it turns out to be quite difficult to implement them.
But no matter what problems arise in the family, it is easier and easier to solve them where people communicate openly and confidentially with each other. Parents often come to psychological counseling with the complaint “We have no contact with the child. He is very secretive. He doesn’t say anything at home. Why is this happening? Why sometimes, with all our affection for the child, we lose his trust? Why does he get the feeling that his parents do not understand him?
It often happens that it is difficult for mom or dad to behave sincerely with a child. Children often do not even know what their parents think and feel. They hear only words — instructing, instructing, declaring certain truths. “He reads morality,” the children say in such cases, and indeed they see in their parents nothing more than cold moralists.
For example, an 11-year-old son comes from school. He is tired, upset about something. «Disgusting school! Silly teachers! — he throws in the heat of the moment. It seems to the mother that the most important thing now is to stop his irritation, not to give vent to anger. “What expressions! How can you say such a thing? Shame on you!’” she remarks indignantly. Mom is sure that with her reaction she urges her son to respect the school and teachers.
But how does the child feel about it? Resentment. Expressing indignation, he involuntarily waited for a response, an emotional resonance, but stumbled upon a misunderstanding.
Often a child expects support from us, and we blame him or simply dismiss him. A ten-year-old girl says to her dad: “I’m afraid of a math test!” “Get what you deserve, you don’t study at all!” father answers. Or simply brushes it off: “Let’s discuss this tomorrow. I’m tired». How does your daughter feel at this moment? Indifference to your feelings.
It also happens. A seven-year-old child seemed to be asking for help. «Mum! Alyosha doesn’t want to play with me.» And the mother hurries to solve the problem for him: «I will call his parents and talk to them.» But the boy may not need this at all. But what?
Do not rush to immediately evaluate and make decisions. Do you really care what happens to the child? Show him this. Let him see that you are interested in his business, and you are ready to listen to him.
Children are more open and spontaneous. Adults are more difficult, they often have to hide their feelings. And when you need to show them, it doesn’t always work out. There are even special communication groups in which adults, including parents, sort of learn this anew. Here are some elementary exercises to help you see how you and your family members express different emotions.
Watch your child, husband (wife). How do they show different feelings? Try to remember their posture, intonation, facial expression. Play different emotions in front of the mirror. Get to know how you express them yourself. Invite your family members to participate in such a game. Let one of you try to express different feelings without words: grief, joy, delight, disappointment, anger, etc., while others guess what he wanted to convey.
When telling you something or asking for advice, the child first of all expects you to show that you accept him, are ready to delve into what he says, understand his feelings. Psychologists call this the empathic response. Answering the child, you can, as it were, reflect the feelings that he has now. Or just show that you are not in a hurry to evaluate it.
Child. I try and it doesn’t work!
Parent. It’s really difficult.
Child. Everything around is very bad!
Parent. Are you upset?
Child. Why do we all have to eat at certain times?
Parent. Does it bother you that you have to break away from business and go to the table?
If you do not understand your son or daughter well enough, then it is better to say: “I am not sure that I understand you correctly.” At least the child will know that you are striving for this.
One mother happily said that after taking classes in a parenting group, it became much easier for her to communicate with her 10-year-old son. Now the boy often shares his problems with her, and they discuss them together.
Let’s imagine how this can happen.
A son. How disgusting!
Mother. What happened?
A son. Igor is an idiot.
Mother. Are you upset?
A son. You would be upset too…
Mother. What do you mean?
A son. Igor got two movie tickets and invited Vovka.
Mother. Didn’t you expect this from him?
A son. I thought we were friends!
Mother. Is he not your friend now?
A son. Yes, not another!
Mother. Why?
A son. Well, even if he did the right thing by giving this ticket to Vovka. I have seen this movie, although I would watch it again.
Mother. Have you seen Vova?
A son. No, I didn’t. But Igor could have warned me that he was going to the cinema with him.
Mother. He didn’t tell you about it?
A son. No.
Mother. So is it uncomfortable for you?
A son. Yes.
Mother. And what are you going to do?
A son. I will stop talking to him.
Mother. Will he understand why?
Son (after a pause). Maybe I’ll talk to him tomorrow.
So, without moralizing, without teachings, categorical assessments and ready-made advice, but only resonating, emotionally reflecting the state of her son, the mother calms him down. Gradually, he comes to peace of mind, in which he can see the situation as if from the outside and make the right decision.
Many parents, after reading this dialogue, can rightly say: it’s good, of course, when you manage to openly discuss with your child problems that relate to his relationships at school, with friends, and feel that you understand each other. Well, what to do in those cases when problems of a different kind arise, within the family? You can’t call a child home from the yard, you won’t force him to do his homework on time, sit down at the table, go to bed. After all, it is often quite difficult to solve these issues democratically, together with the child.
However, is it really that difficult? Of course, if a son or daughter feels that «the directive is coming down from above,» they almost automatically resist it. Behind the categorical demands, the child catches only the desire to force him to do what is unpleasant for him. But if you convey to him the true reason that encourages the parent to insist on his own, without adding irritation and aggression here … Maybe in this case he will not have a protest reaction to parental demands?
The eleven-year-old daughter stayed with a friend and came home late.
— Disgrace! What irresponsibility! You promised to come on time! You can’t keep your word This is how her parents treat her. She sees only their irritation, discontent, even if fair, but still extremely unpleasant to her.
But it’s also possible in another way:
— You’ve come!!! How worried we were! Everything is good? Nothing happened? We don’t find our place here.
And then the girl, sympathizing with parental experiences, repents. In this case, it is much easier to discuss his behavior with the child than when anger, irritation and the need to teach come to the fore.
When discussing, the most important thing is to listen to the other and try to understand him. In other words, it is good to imagine how the child feels, what problems he is concerned about. Patiently delving into the experiences of the child, you dispose him to an open conversation, during which you can learn a lot of new, unexpected things about him.
Here is a fairly common situation. The daughter, instead of the expected «five», received a «four». The mother sees that the girl is upset. She is upset herself. Moderate in what they are experiencing on the same occasion, she decides to discuss this situation with the child, and then it turns out that the daughter is not at all concerned about the mark itself. The reason for her bad mood is the unfair attitude of the teacher towards her. Adults often substitute their problems for the problems of the child. Suppose a mother is extremely important to her daughter’s academic success. In them, she sees an excuse for her not very successful life. The daughter’s failure hurts her self-esteem. But this mother’s problem sometimes has nothing to do with what upsets the child. (By the way, such a divergence of problems is characteristic not only of unsuccessful parents. Sometimes those of them who have fully realized themselves react even more painfully to the failures of their children.)
In order to develop the right position for making a decision, the parent must bring together all the opinions — both his own and the child’s. Discuss them together. And then come to a common decision. It is to the general, adopted with the active participation of the child.
As a rule, such a decision is a compromise. Suppose a mother cannot get her child to go to dinner as soon as she calls. Then they agree: the son does not go to the table immediately, but after 4-5 minutes by the clock.
Such «agreements» can even be concluded in writing. At the same time, it is very important that the obligations of both the child and the parent are recorded.
And finally, the most difficult stage comes. How can you help your son or daughter fulfill all that they have promised? When trying to change the behavior of children, always be extremely specific in your requirements. Instead of blaming the son: “Since you started school, you have spent very little time with your sister. What a big brother you are! better to be specific: «Play with your sister» to school «, show her the letters that you already know.»
Do not demand from the child the immediate fulfillment of all obligations. He needs time to get used to the «new life». And there is no need to be upset if not all of what has been promised is being fulfilled yet. It is very dangerous to focus attention at this time on what the child is not doing: “Shame on you!”, “You don’t keep your word!”, “You promised not only… but also…”.
At the same time, parents often forget that even an adult can find it extremely difficult to immediately change their behavior. What can we say about the child! It will be much more useful to draw his attention to what he has already achieved as early as possible. This will give him confidence in his abilities.
Just at this period, in order to be self-confident, the child especially needs a deep understanding from his parents, empathy for his sorrows and joys, open communication with mom and dad — in a word, everything in which and true parental love is shown.
Actually, everything that was discussed is somehow directed towards one goal — to strengthen the child’s self-confidence. After all, he needs it so much at this stage of his life — in the first school years, when he discovers the world of complex knowledge and no less complex relationships.