In the discussion of the article “A wonderful declaration of love”, an interesting comment came across:
Calling a conversation with loved ones a “scheme” is, in my opinion, somewhat cynical. We are humans, not robots! I am graduating from the department of psychology and I know all this, I take it into account, but not so methodically, otherwise you might not see a person behind the methods. If my son communicated with me using the method of “empathic listening”, I would feel insincerity in this, especially — “I understand you so much!”.
Science loves schemes, the business approach is looking for algorithms, and in terms of physics or payroll schemes, this works great. But is it possible to use clear technologies just as directly in communication with living people? Is it possible: to be rationally calculated and tenderly loving, planning step by step and subtly feeling another person? Is there insincerity, mechanicalness in this?
Yes, sometimes turning on the head interferes with the subtle feeling of the interlocutor, but it’s not true that this happens to everyone and always, it’s just a matter of training.
Until a skill is fully developed, it can be difficult to combine it with parallel activities. When a child is just learning to use a spoon, the process of actually eating becomes more difficult. So the skill of spontaneous communication, if the norms of etiquette have not yet been instilled, can be very difficult within the framework of this etiquette: to be both sincere and beautiful at the same time, so that both elbows and sincere interest in people. But everything is solved!
It can be difficult for beginners to master the etiquette of smart communications — here they follow certain rules of smart conversation, and at the same time work with the soul: the included head interferes with feelings, or feelings begin to turn off the head. Over time, when intellectual schemes become habitual, this problem goes away, communication becomes both sincere and thoughtful.
And what about those who think through (and follow the right schemes in communication) begins to interfere with sincerity and spontaneity? There are two answers. If this is a conversation with the prosecutor, thinking is more important, and sincerity and spontaneity are in the background. If this is a conversation with a loved one or a loved one, it is better to think over the conversation before it starts, sincerity is more important here. If suddenly the conversation becomes difficult and feelings can lead to the wrong place, it is better to ask for a pause and continue the conversation later. Spontaneity is good as long as the situation is relatively safe; in other cases, the relationship is more expensive.
For topics that can be stretched out, solved in more than one conversation, it is better for a more natural conversation to prepare small pieces of discussion; it is better to practice one technique from the basics of friendly communication. But the whole orchestra of techniques and intellectual schemes should be turned on only when they have already been developed in such a way that it does not distract from the main thing — from the person opposite.
Any development begins with small rehearsals, with the first steps. So let’s get started — we outline the first steps in detail, we prepare in advance.
Similarly, a good speaker also prepares for a speech — he makes a speech plan, thinks over the theses, prepares an introduction and conclusion. Thinks about how to win over listeners, how to help them respond and open up.
At the same time, the best performance is the one in which there is no longer any thought about the plan and scheme. In a live performance, the scheme fades into the background, the speaker follows the inner feeling and response of his listeners more. Nevertheless, the most experienced communicators (orators, diplomats, negotiators) are able to perfectly combine logic and feelings, say what they should and at the same time feel the interlocutor subtly. They experience and show natural (not at all ostentatious) feelings — care, respect, admiration, etc., while learning to show them in the form that is most acceptable, most understandable, comfortable for interlocutors.
What makes any technique human or not is your intention. If you are doing something only for your own sake, this is one point in using techniques. If you do this not only for your own sake, but to make everyone feel more comfortable, so that a real atmosphere of openness, trust, sincerity, caring for each other develops between you, this intention has a completely different meaning to using techniques.
How to come to ensure that the techniques you use are at the service of people? Decide on your values and get used to thinking. Good and quick thinking not only does not interfere with the depth of feelings, the power of care and love, it just contributes to this — the emergence of strong, conscious, truly sincere feelings.
A developed person’s mind and heart are always in harmony.