Scarce love

It seems to us that we marry for love and for the sake of love. But for some reason, love in us is more often awakened by beautiful and successful people. Perhaps, behind our feeling is still hidden, albeit unconscious, calculation? I propose to take an honest look at yourself, those around you and list the possible reasons for marriage:

• love
• lack of understanding and tenderness
• social expectations
• status upgrade
• fear of old age and loneliness
• annoy an ex-partner
• the proverbial glass of water that there is no one to serve in old age

You can continue this list. If desired, the number of reasons can be increased to a hundred, and in life there will still be some other unaccounted option. Love, mind you, occupies only one position in this list.

So, from the ambiguity of the word «love» we singled out by the method of elimination the feeling that is called «marriage made in heaven» or «existential love.» The ability for existential love, given by nature, is not preserved by every person. It includes:

• self-esteem
• desire for creativity
• striving for development
• spontaneity
• inner freedom

All these are the highest needs of the individual. All other motives for marriage are linked to the need to eliminate vital deficits in self-confidence, attention, and intimacy. Often marriage becomes a method of raising social status. When a person uses his sexuality for such purposes, a special type of relationship arises (unfortunately, the most common one) — scarce love. It is she who is the source of the neuroses of «prosperous families.»

With scarce love, a person does not rely on his own personality and is not interested in the personality of a partner, so such love can be extremely indiscriminate. Many simultaneously have several «objects of love», for each of which exorbitant requirements are put forward.

Scarce love can become an all-consuming need of a neurotic personality. When you feel like a nobody, an empty place, you want to be “everything” for someone. When we do not believe that we are worthy of love, our own feelings cause fear, and others — distrust. Everyone knows that “we are responsible for those we have tamed,” but many, especially women, are ready to play only the passive role of those who have been tamed. A scarce gleam in the eyes destroys the notorious female “mystery”, because it expresses a passionate desire, but not love, but the need to fill a deficit niche.

Strength of the weak

Selfless love, which women are proud of, is often just a way to feed low self-esteem from the outside. This is love in short supply, although it dresses in romantic clothes.

Culture ascribes masochism to a woman — submissiveness, the desire for submission — claiming that this is her nature. In fact, nature requires balance. Voluntarily humiliating herself, a woman compensates for her need for self-affirmation with sadistic manifestations, albeit in a hidden form. In such a family, the husband is often equated with property. And then you have to hear: «I hate him, but make sure that he comes back.»

It seems that the role of the serving mistress of the house forever secures a humiliated position for a woman, but this is not entirely true. Even a downtrodden person has a “dog from below” in his arsenal. So in Gestalt therapy is called the ability to insist on one’s own with the help of tears, complaints, illness, sighs, reminders of debts and sacrifices. Even a bedridden patient can fully control the situation if he masterfully masters the role.

When a person assumes the position of a victim, those around him become the aggressors. Hence scandals, illogical demands, blackmail. Love-victim binds a partner with guilt. Life passes with the leitmotif «I gave everything to him.» This is clear. So much effort has been spent on eliminating the deficit of love that I want to keep at least its appearance. Rationalization of latent aggression: “I have been offended so often that I have the right to offend others; I have to endure blows so often that I have the right to strike a preemptive strike.

The stout, infantile and weak-willed «head of the family» and the woman, whose whole life comes down to first finding and then manipulating whoever she considers her master, make up the «ideal» married couple. Nobody is interested in his personal qualities, he is not interested in the personality of his wife. His virtues are just the absence of flaws: he does not drink, does not beat, does not walk. A «real man» runs from work, afraid of his wife’s hysteria about being late or a beer with friends. There is absolutely nothing for him to do at home; he does not know how to talk about feelings; he is not able to help with the housework and take care of the children, and his wife will not allow this; from solving family problems has long been removed; no one expects anything from him but a salary. Since the age of forty, he has problems with intimacy or fear of their possibility. He annoys everyone with football and idleness.

Weakness of the Strong

Men also suffer from neurotic deficient love and try to balance it with the stereotyped one: «Cheady is allowed only for the stronger sex.»

If a man diligently lowers his partner’s self-esteem, his goal is to bind her with fear of loneliness. “A woman is strong by weakness”, “a woman without a man is a draw”, “an independent woman is unattractive”, “a woman ages quickly” — the meaning of these stereotypes boils down to a simple formula: “Who needs you without me?”

Often in the families of the «new Russians» purchases for the family or for the wife are called a gift from the husband, and not the natural expenses of the family. A man prone to authoritarian behavior may seem like the embodiment of a dream of material well-being, but compliments and gifts on his part are the payment for the right to freedom and independence taken from his wife. (“I have the right to lead, because I am smarter and better” — male compensation for complexes).

It is difficult for women to get out of the captivity of the illusions created by the patriarchal culture — they weaken her personality, make her helpless and unresponsive. The romantic enthusiasm that replaced Domostroy is not much better: in both cases, a woman is not entitled to individuality. Against the background of the taken away right to self-realization, compliments to beauty and fertility look dubious. We often hear: “A woman was created for love…” Even a hardened criminal was originally created for love. This is not the exclusive right of the fair sex. Both men and women are capable of it.

Conclusion

Say: “He / she will be lost without me” and listen to your feelings. Nicely? How I understand you! Basically, we are used to seeing scarce love. Existential love, the existence of which we vaguely guess, about which we dream all our lives, exists in another, metaphysical space. If you didn’t find it, then you can’t do it. For those who are not afraid to break into this Infinity, these tips will not be useful — they work only in our three-dimensional world.

We can take comfort in the fact that we have avoided the dangers of Infinity, because the usual laws of the three-dimensional world cease to operate in it. No one can help those who take the risk, because every time it happens differently and for everyone in their own way. Who is happier, I don’t know. To each his own.