To live a fuller and happier life, it is not enough for us to just get out of the way what limits our strength, says psychotherapist Isabelle Fiyoza. It is even more important to sincerely accept everything that lives in our soul so that it lives for real.
Basic Ideas
- Dreaming: “Our personal, own motive does not have to thunder with fanfare. Everyone has their own desires, everyone has their own dreams.
- Listen to yourself: “Accept everything that is present in us, that comes from the very soul. And firmly answer “no” to what is not ours, although it is accepted by everyone.
- Accept: “Rejecting our feelings, we cut off what makes us alive. Accepting life is also crying, getting angry, screaming…
“People come to me for counseling because they can’t feel happy. When there is not enough strength for life, there is depression, a feeling of impasse. For the past twenty-eight years I have been doing a very simple job as a psychotherapist. It is to help each of them re-establish contact with their own inner truth. Polina has long had a heavy heart, and that is why she overeats. She is unhappy. But why? After all, she has a good job, a wonderful husband, a cozy home. This is how her life looks “objectively”. And subjectively? “I feel out of place,” she says. This phrase is familiar to me: it is often said by those who do not live their lives, but follow the path laid by others. Polina continues the story. Her husband is smart, handsome, kind … but for many months now they have not spoken to each other. She is a teacher by profession, but she chose her by chance, and now her work does not bring her any joy. No, she is not going to leave her husband or change jobs. She cannot imagine her life otherwise. Her parents always took great care of her, and she failed to learn to face the difficulties of life on her own. “I can’t,” she shakes her head, “I need some protection.”
“LIFE DOES NOT HURRY ANYWHERE. AND IT IS NOT ALWAYS VALUABLE FOR WHAT WE HAVE USED TO CONSIDER AS UNCONDITIONALLY SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT.”
I ask about her dreams. With an instantly brightened face, she talks about theater, dance, the desire to express herself … Yes, she went to the studio and even acted in a play. And it was such a joy, as if fireworks were flying up inside. “But,” she says, “this is not real life. It’s all frivolous … ”So: she has a husband, a serious job, a serious life, and she yearns. She gets fat, gets depressed. Well, is it serious! Let’s talk about really serious things. Here is our life – we have one! That is why our dreams are a serious thing. Through them we find our place in this world.
Dancing, Polina felt life in herself. But her prejudices and fears made her give up the stage. How often we, like her, do not listen to the call of the heart, do not follow the paths that open the world before us. We dare not believe and let our fears stop us.
To say “yes” to life means to accept everything that is present in us, that comes from the very depths of the soul. And often for this it is necessary to firmly answer “no” to conventional views, to what others expect from us, to the comfortable, calm routine of our ordinary life.
We believe all too easily that the world will be completely out of order if each of us is engaged only in what his heart lies in. Because we forget how different we are. Our personal, own motive does not have to be fanfare. Everyone has their desires, everyone has their dreams. I knew a man who loved his job very much. He worked as a janitor. He liked to go out into the empty streets at dawn, and then be free for most of the day. No, I don’t think we all want to be lawyers or bankers. But we are not left with anxiety: will we succeed? Is this project going to cost us too much? What if we regret it later? .. But why don’t we at least try! What are the real (and not our imagined) risks? One thing is for sure: having said “yes” to life, we will not regret it, even if something goes wrong. In the movement of a dream, we feel alive. How do we know if our path is right? It’s simple: we say “yes” to life – and the tension immediately disappears, fatigue disappears without a trace.
But here’s what’s important to remember: in order to move towards our dreams, we often need to shed heavy baggage from our shoulders – from our past. Remaining prisoners of old wounds and insults, we can only go backwards – with a look riveted to the past.
Our emotions are the movement of life in us. Our unrest is waves that cannot be stopped. Trying to drown out our feelings, we cut off everything that makes us alive. Suppressed emotions give rise to tension that does not allow us to breathe.
“OUR DREAMS ARE AN EXTRAORDINARY SERIOUS THING. BECAUSE IT IS FOR THEM WE FIND OUR PLACE IN THIS WORLD.”
Mary mourns for her dead son. Only six months have passed since that day that changed everything. She doesn’t want to visit, she doesn’t want to decorate the Christmas tree. Her husband reproaches her for leaving life. He wants to celebrate. He wants to “turn the page”. Yet it is he—not she—who refuses to live. He runs from his suffering, wanting to stop the work of grief on the ideal “picture” of the departed son. And he devalues his youngest son, constantly comparing him with the one who is forever lost. Denying his feelings, a father who has lost one child prevents another from growing.
Saying “yes” to life does not mean always having fun, singing and dancing. It is also to cry, to be afraid, to scream with anger. It is to answer “yes” to any movements of life: to the warm spring wind and the fruits of summer … and autumn losses, and the long snows of winter.
When I feel bad, when I feel uncomfortable with guilt or frustration, I look around, listen to the grass, trees, stars. Life is in no hurry. And it is far from always valuable to her what we are accustomed to consider unconditionally important.