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No, we are not at all doomed to helplessly watch how our attraction to each other gradually fades in a string of days! Several ways to help maintain a living flame of desire in yourself and take care of your couple.
Is it worth repeating once again that there are no universal solutions or ready-made recipes for a happy sex life? Our desire is mysterious and changeable – there is nothing (well, almost nothing) permanent in it. The only thing we know for sure from experience is that it is born from feelings, in a special fertile atmosphere. It can be compared to a wild flower that will quickly wither if you transplant it into a pot and take care of it somehow. Our sexual desire can become an inexhaustible source of energy for us – provided that we can not poison it and do not try to pacify its spontaneous outbursts, which contain both its strength and its weakness. We should accept that desire will live according to its own laws, according to its own rhythm. It can be imperious, stormy, like a volcanic eruption, or it can be timid, vague, elusive. Many believe that keeping it is a matter of sexual technique. And they forget that the alchemy of desire is created only by two people, that it is never repetition, but there is always creativity. On these pages you will not find descriptions of “failsafe tricks”. Only topics for reflection and some ideas – so that the fire of desire does not go out, the one that makes our relationship passionate.
Make time for yourself
Fatigue, material difficulties, stress – these are the most common obstacles to intimacy. But they often serve only as an excuse for some laziness in relationships. It is no secret that desire appears more often when we are not busy with anything complicated. And it is the absence of time that we usually refer to when we do not want intimacy. Lovers can find it best of all, for whom meetings are a vital necessity. “An evening a week, one weekend a month, a week of vacation alone with each other – such dates help keep your intimacy out of the routine,” says sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. “To be alone outside the family, to tell each other something else, besides the usual stories about the past day and plans for tomorrow, to change the situation — such a ritual can be established by every couple.” This is not about planning “love dates” in advance, but just about meeting in private, when no one and nothing prevents the two from feeling close. Find time to be with each other, set a rule: talk about everything except life and work.
Discuss disagreements
Nothing harms desire so much as persistent resentment, hostility and reproaches. Especially those that we hush up, we try to hide from a partner. Suppression or denial are real time bombs for sex drive. This is often faced by sexologists and family therapists, whose waiting rooms are simply filled with those who could not or did not dare to put into words their displeasure or anger. Therefore, it is better not to accumulate resentment, not to escalate tension, but to discuss disagreements as soon as they appear.
Read more:
- For love or just like that?
- “We live under the pressure of the norm”
- According to your script
Show gratitude
Resolving conflicts is vital, but it’s equally important to tell the other person the good things we think of them. Too often we forget that his very presence is not a duty, but a gift. And therefore, words about how we appreciate his support or admire his act are evidence not only of love, but also of desire. To find some special talent in another or to tell him about your gratitude means to introduce something new into the mysterious alchemy of desire. Everyday life obscures our view, making the image of a partner familiar and blurry. A compliment is a way of reminding another that we choose him over all others. There is nothing more exciting, touching, exciting desire than the feeling of being unique in the eyes of a partner. And nothing is so conducive to intimacy.
Let each other breathe
Each couple, in addition to the internal space of relationships, has external connections with other people. “In order not to suffocate in personal space, you need to invest your abilities, vitality and curiosity in relationships outside the couple,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “Because nothing exhausts and bothers more than existence in a closed space of emotions.” The ability to find joy outside of relationships with a partner gives new energy and new colors to life together. And also brings into the image of each of the partners a note of mystery, mystery and even some insecurity – qualities that arouse the desire to conquer and can become a real aphrodisiac for two.
Look for new sources of pleasure
Eroticism cannot be reduced to mere physical contact – all our experts agree with this. In addition to sensual pleasures, intellectual pleasures are also available to us. And the development of sensuality does occur outside of sexual satisfaction. Enjoying music, admiring the scenery, having a tasteful dinner, laughing together – such sensual pleasures make intimacy more intense. The feeling of well-being that arises at such moments strengthens the agreement in the couple and acts as a stimulant, extending its influence to everything, including love intimacy. Desire, like love, is nourished by beauty, fun, and freedom from compulsion.
Learn Curiosity
This is a real sixth sense that needs to be honed. And the first step in this direction is to get rid of infantile attitudes in relationships, when a partner is expected to bring us pleasure “on a silver platter”. This does not happen, because desire continues to live only when we work on it. “Ask yourself: what turns me on? Evgeny Kashchenko advises. – What caresses, fantasies, scenes cause excitement in me? Without such self-exploration, in which books or films can help, attraction will remain inaccessible to us. To become active in the search for pleasure means to treat your desire as a means, not an end. And that’s exactly what it really is.
Be more erotic
Nothing kills desire so much as common nudity (revealed without conscious desire), fraternal kissing, or poses devoid of any grace, in which convenience takes precedence over the desire to attract another. Men, according to sexologists, are excited by what they see, and women are more sensitive to erotic images that arise under the influence of voice and words. How can you avoid the inattention to your appearance and negligence, which almost inevitably arise in partners with experience? “It is often enough to ask ourselves: would we behave this way with a man or woman we have just met? – says Inna Khamitova. “It’s not about acting like you’re on stage or suppressing your spontaneity. This question helps to bring back a conscious attitude towards oneself and another in everyday habits. Choosing words, paying attention to your gestures and appearance is also taking care of your love relationships.
Learn to play
Without the atmosphere of the game, desire is doomed to a slow extinction. Game is not just one of the components of sexuality, but its most important part. Desire is an impulse, a free flight, and therefore it goes away when you try to build it into the daily routine. The less we plan, the more easily it arises. Psychoanalysis teaches us that desire is nourished by scarcity, lack. When satiated, it falls asleep. So, in order to keep him awake, you need to play with him on his territory. Play with rhythm and frequency, with positions, caresses and fantasies, resisting the temptation to believe that the “right formula” has finally been found. To play with desire is to promise him satisfaction and then slip away. The options can be very different: erotic hints and teasing, deliberate refraining from sex when it is too predictable, a change in the usual distribution of roles, bold steps that we have not dared to take before and which make us feel more unpredictable and alive.