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There are no ideal relationships. In the life of every couple there are difficulties and disagreements. And yet there are clear differences between the happy and the unhealthy. What are they? Reported by journalist Margarita Tartahovsky.
Margarita Tartakovsky is a psychology journalist for psychcentral.com.
It’s not that such couples quarrel less. And not that the partners are so similar to each other that they have no disagreements. The main differences lie in how two people see their relationship and in what ways they resolve conflicts and disagreements. Here are six rules for a happy life together, shared by experienced couples therapists.
1. They recognize and accept that they need each other.
This is different from the common position – to be as independent as possible and not need anyone. “We have been taught to be ashamed of our need for closeness and love, although these needs are biologically inherent in us. Nevertheless, we are often told that to need and love another person is to be weak and dependent, ”says Silvina Irwin, a clinical psychologist at the California Institute of Technology (USA).
Instead of saying: “You are always busy”, they will say: “I miss you, let’s spend time together”
In a healthy relationship, partners give each other care and emotional closeness. What does it look like in practice? Silvina Irwin gives an example: instead of saying: “You are never around, you are always busy,” partners in such a pair are more likely to say: “I miss you, let’s spend time together”. The second partner will not become even more immersed in work in order to drown out feelings of guilt, but instead may answer, for example, like this: “I am going through a difficult period now. I feel like I’m always letting you down. I need to know that you love me no matter what.”
2. They don’t let disagreements ruin relationships.
In most cases, partners have different habits, beliefs, perceptions and expectations. This applies to everything: financial decisions, division of household responsibilities, parenting, emotional experiences, hobbies, communication style. “In healthy and happy couples, partners try to iron out their differences and view them as just personal differences, instead of arguing who is right and who is wrong,” says psychotherapist Chris Kingman (Chris Kingman).
Helping each other, not competing
In happy couples, partners help each other rather than compete, and discuss disagreements in an open dialogue rather than an argument.. They are not going to determine winners and losers, but are determined to ensure that both partners “win”. In other words, they know how to turn their differences to the benefit of relationships.
3. They admit their mistakes without hesitation.
“It’s more than just not being afraid to admit your mistakes. I often see that in happy relationships, partners actively seek to admit their mistake and apologize if they feel that they have hurt the partner, ”says Chris Kingman. The fact is that they have learned not to be afraid to look imperfect and vulnerable. They realized that admitting their mistakes does not reduce, but increases self-esteem and has a beneficial effect on relationships. That acknowledging one’s responsibility and showing respect for a partner gives confidence and gives pleasure.
Know how to appreciate what they have
4. They are ready to give up their own interests
“It’s about listening to your partner even when they say something you don’t want to hear, forgiving them even when they hurt you, and accepting them for who they are. , even when not his best qualities appear,” says psychologist and marriage counselor Shannon Kolakowski (Shannon Kolakowski). It also means that your relationship is always a priority for you, you treat your partner with love and respect, you always protect him and make time for “special” events and moments.
5. They are grateful to each other and appreciate each other
“When you are appreciated, it helps not to feel unloved or alone, it brings together and heals,” says Shannon Kolakowski. If you feel that your partner truly appreciates you, then you understand that he sees your best qualities. And when you constantly show your partner how much you appreciate him, you help him develop his own best sides.
Relationships are always a priority for them.
“In the happiest marriages I’ve ever seen, the partners knew how to appreciate what they had.” They have goals and they want to move on, while they know how to enjoy what they have already achieved,” says Kolakowski.
6. They don’t hold grudges
Resentment poisons relationships. They grow and multiply and begin to destroy your connection with each other. A person begins to mentally “chew” resentment again and again, and this affects his attitude towards a partner and communication with him. Chris Kingman emphasizes that in a healthy relationship, partners do not delay resolving problems that have arisen between them, and do so in a constructive manner. Or, if they still decide not to raise some problematic issue at all, then they really forgive the partner and forget, and do not harbor anger.
Even perfect partners hurt each other. But they approach problems with understanding, empathy, love and respect, and as a result, their bond only grows stronger.