Rules for “uncomfortable” conversations

How to prepare for a conversation

In order for the conversation to go smoothly, it is important to follow 4 rules:

Rule number 1: Choose a convenient moment. You should not talk about the problem in the wrong place – at a party, at social events, while doing complex or hard work that requires concentration. It is important that the interlocutor is not tired or angry, does not experience stress or health problems. All these are factors that will not allow him to carefully and impartially listen to your words. Remember: the conversation must be conducted in a comfortable and relaxed atmosphere, the person must be complacent.

Rule #2: Determine the purpose of the dialogue. What are you doing everything for? Do you want to help a loved one? Do you just want to speak up? Would you like to show support, understanding and willingness to help? Be sure to understand your motives. This will help you choose the right model for presenting information: what and how to say to the interlocutor.

Rule #3: Say out loud everything you’re going to say beforehand. This simple practice produces amazing results. Firstly, you will be able to let off steam and then have a conversation more calmly, which means you will avoid a scandal. Secondly, once again weigh all the pros and cons. Thirdly, you will be able to get internal insights to solve the problem.

Rule #4: Tune in to constructive communication without judgment or judgment. Talk about your desires and experiences, and not about the interlocutor’s shortcomings or claims against him.

How to get your point across without offense

1. Through projection. “What do you think about Masha’s situation?”, “What do you think about Kolya’s weight? Do you think he should lose weight? Projection is a great way to convey the right idea to the interlocutor, if you don’t want to “cut the truth-womb” into the eyes, even in a mild form. A person thinks about the person who has surfaced in the conversation, subconsciously compares her problems and his own – and tries on the very advice that he himself gave.

2. Through your problem. “I want to lose weight, do you think it’s worth it? And what is the best way to do it? Maybe you heard about some exercises?”, “I don’t know what to do in this situation… tell me!” This is a soft involvement, a request for help. Often it does not cause rejection, but on the contrary, it awakens the desire to delve into the issue and think about how to solve it. Having told another person about how to get out of a situation that worries him, the interlocutor suddenly realizes that he himself is able to follow his own advice.

3. Through the fictional attitude of a familiar person. “What do you think about what Uncle Petya said about Aunt Masha, who did or said this?”, “We talked with Olga, she thinks that Petya is to blame for the situation with Misha. Do you think she’s right?” This is another effective projective technique, further enhanced by the opinion of a familiar person.

Having learned the position of the third party, the partner receives a starting point, which makes it easier for him to enter into a discussion and freely indicate his position. He believes that he is simply expressing an opinion on a similar issue, but without fear and without any restrictions, since he does not regard this as a conversation about himself. Thanks to this, it will become clear to you how much his thoughts are consonant with yours and in which direction you need to direct the dialogue further.

4. Directly. “I’m worried about you, let me know…”, “I want to be sure that you’re all right. Let’s discuss…” Topics for conversation can be different: you suspect or are sure that a loved one is sick, has lost a large amount of money, is addicted to alcohol, but at the same time hides the problem and does nothing to fix it.

In this case, you need to conduct a conversation from a position of care, attention and empathy. Don’t blame or complain. Avoid phrases: “You have started yourself”, “Don’t you think it’s time to start doing something”, “After all, this is not a terrible problem.” Question him, ask detailed questions, offer help and support. Sometimes in such cases it is worth turning to a third party, which your interlocutor regards as an authority, and whose advice he trusts.

You can convey your thoughts and feelings to a loved one without quarrels and scandals. Use these methods to not only discuss disagreements, but also to find a constructive solution.